I feel useless .
I have had anxiety since I was very young . Originally I was told it was attention seeking; then they said it was from being bullied . Then at 19 I was told I had OCD with obsessions around heart disease .
I’m 30 now . I’ve now got a diagnosis of OCD, cPTSD, generalised anxiety disorder and depression .
I’ve had therapy almost continually since 16,
I’ve had two pretty serious breakdowns one at age 19 and one at age 27 . 19 I ended up housebound for six months, 27 I was housebound for a year .
I’ve had about three years when things felt relatively settled and that I could cope, I worked full time . Then everything fell apart big style and I’ve not picked myself back up since, not properly .
I had therapy for nine months this year and she was absolutely wonderful; so helpful and gave me so much clarity . Was able to do stuff with her helping me once a week .
I’ve moved house this week - for a positive
reason, to complete my degree - and had to finish therapy and I realise how much I’ve achieved but I’m achieving it panicking, sweating, trembling . I grind my teeth so much they’re worn down .
Biggest challenge today my new GP said I have to physically go to the surgery to collect my prescriptions for anti depressants and propranolol - which is 4 miles away - then I had to find a chemist, I did but I struggled so much . They said they won’t send the script to a chemist because of COVID, I have to physically walk into the surgery to get it .
I’m aware this is more than I’ve done for the last two years but I’m only functioning, I want to be able to do the basics but I want to be able to enjoy myself too, it’s so hard . I want to be able to get the train to see my aunty, my dad, go home to see my mum but there’s a mental block that says ‘I might die’ when I try, I then panic and then my brain thinks the panic symptoms - dizziness, fast heart rate, ectopics, means I’m going to collapse .
I desperately miss my old GP and my old therapist and tearful when I think about it .
Tonight I want to wash the dishes, stick a load of washing into the laundrette, take the rubbish out and pick up a deliveroo from the front gate . That’s only ten minutes of jobs and I don’t even have to leave my building for the first one, and the bin is only 100 steps from my door, but my brain keeps saying I can’t .
I don’t want to slip back into old bad habits, I feel so so so stupid . New GP has whacked up my tablets .
I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting but just some hope that this isn’t permanent and it’s sortable somehow?!