Toddler twins have nearly broken me today

[didihearthatright123456]

I’ve had an horrendous day, 2 year olds twins and who right in the middle of the terrible twos

Started off when one of my girls pushed the other. This wasn’t a one off, this was one of many times this morning. Gave her a firm telling off and made to sit and have a time out - well that didn’t work, the worst tantrum I’ve even seen her have. Crying so much I thought she was going to vomit. This must have gone on for 30 minutes.

Then off to playgroup at our local church. They were climbing all over, one of them started throwing everything (I had stern words with her and eventually had her sat with me for 5 min whilst she calmed down. They had a lovely 1.5 hour nap and then in the afternoon we went down to our local playground, followed by a quick trip to the library.

That was horrific, one of them continuously trying to climb on book cases and then running off rather than picking books to take home. Another absolute meltdown followed, screaming, kicking, throwing herself on the floor etc etc.

Thank the lord they ate their tea, but then the emotional turmoil continued after bath time. I literally asked one of my girls if she’d like a little drink of milk before bed, queue epic crying, throwing herself on the floor, refusing be picked up, just sobbing at the thought of a pleasant drink before her. I was so feckin relieved to get them into bed at 6.30pm

I seem to be having more bad days than good at the moment, I hate how one of our girls is more and more upset, it takes her so long to come around and have cuddles.

Can anyone out there empathise, what strategies do you have for getting through those meltdowns, I feel totally outnumbered when I am out with them on my own. I can feel the eyes of people on me, but twins is so so hard.

Oh op I feel for you. I used to have 3 under 4 and I used to think like this.

They are always the best in the morning, so I made that time my busiest part of the day. After lunch everyone had a nap or if they were growing out of it, a little bit of quiet time with their toys in their room. I’d separate the ones who shared a room so the most tired child slept alone and the other one was in my bed.

I think after post lunch nap time it was mainly calm activities at home or a bit of CBeebies. It was really more of what they wanted to do (within reason) so they felt like they had some ownership. I might’ve laid out a few things like a train set or some colouring books to Try to inspire them. But if they just wanted to watch a Disney film I let them.

Good luck OP, it does get easier.

As a professional colleague once said about their day at work, 'Well, I was mostly nice, and no one died'.
Recognise the wins.

When I think back to times I had one of my girls on her own, what I noticed is that they appear to be better behaved because you can entertain them more and head off tantrums before they start. When you have two, you're always balancing their needs, so it's natural that they get a bit more frustrated than a singleton toddler would. I'm sure it's also difficult with 2 children of different ages but because their needs are not so similar - a baby basically needs cuddled, an older child can understand if they're asked to wait a minute - it's manageable more often than with twins.

It's one of the things I really struggled with. People can be quite judgemental if you're chasing one toddler down the street with the other one, crying, in a rugby hold, but I'd like to see them do better!

I've been there! My girls are now almost 14 and it does get easier (or different anyway!), but they nearly broke me when they were about 2.5 and their brother was 5... if it wasn't one of them kicking off it was the other...we'd just moved abroad which didn't help! Anyway, everything is a phase so remember this too shall pass... and like a PP, I think maybe you're trying to squeeze too much into a day and maybe try and build in more low key time at home?

You'll get there, and in the meantime there is 🍰

@Scarby9

As a professional colleague once said about their day at work, 'Well, I was mostly nice, and no one died'. Recognise the wins.

Yup... "All fed, none dead"... parenting goals 😉

Your post gave me flashbacks to the twin toddler days, it’s hard!
I’d plan one activity a day, then the rest of the day we’d be chilling in the house, it’s easier to read the moods when not rushing somewhere. I used to worry as one wanted cuddled all the time snd the other didn’t want touched so I’d worry they’d grow up feeling unloved, it’s a nightmare! Ironically now the grumpy non cuddler is the cuddliest teenager in the world and the other is fiercely independent!
It gets easier, let them be individuals and take the pressure off yourself

I don't think it sounds like too many trips out (both of mine needed lots of time outside the flat at that age) although i wouldnt have done the library as the need to be quiet would have majorly stressed me.

Is there a safe park near you where they can just run? Or a closed in playground area? Do you have a garden?

Mine have always been extremely active (running away in the park aged 11 months whilst the other babies from the baby group just sat and chewed grass) so i found that walking them everywhere worked to tire them out.

Could you take a single pushchair with a buggy board and they take it in turns to sit or walk? (With a board just in case)

As for pushing, how rough was it? Did she need a time out or just a putting in another room with toys to play with whilst you play with her twin?

I have twin sisters that are a decade younger than me, and I remember the fuck awful 2s with them! Christ. One was extremely highly strung (still is now at 25 ) and one was super chill. I remember my Mum crying many a day, whilst me and my other siblings laughed at their horrific behaviour They were an endless source of entertainment for us 3 singletons.

We had a big garden and we would take them outside to run off their batshit energy whilst Mum had a cuppa/lunch/whatever at weekends. We’d separate them and play different things with them. Just to add - this wasn’t expected but we adored playing with them

My bf is a twin, and tells me of the days when he used to get bullied by the other one, who was bigger. This continued when they were adults. They're NC now!

@HGC2

Your post gave me flashbacks to the twin toddler days, it’s hard! I’d plan one activity a day, then the rest of the day we’d be chilling in the house, it’s easier to read the moods when not rushing somewhere. I used to worry as one wanted cuddled all the time snd the other didn’t want touched so I’d worry they’d grow up feeling unloved, it’s a nightmare! Ironically now the grumpy non cuddler is the cuddliest teenager in the world and the other is fiercely independent! It gets easier, let them be individuals and take the pressure off yourself

It's really hard to judge sometimes, the girls have a big playroom downstairs and a lovely garden to play in, but being indoors/garden they do bicker terribly at times. I find when I'm out, and we have big wide spaces they tend to argue less.

It does get easier - or does it just get different?

Mine are 12 - the bickering continues I'm afraid. We've put them into separate classes in secondary school to try and make them appreciate each other a bit more. This morning's argument was over snacks for school

Oh and I remember the really bad days were sometimes followed by illness...it was like watching them fall down a spiral. Just a thought!

I second all the PPs who advise getting them outside every day and running them ragged.
Burn off all that restless energy in ball games, chasing, running, long walks etc.
I was widowed with two baby DDs just 16 months apart in age, so not dissimilar to twins.
I got rid of the buggy when the younger was 16 months, and had them walking on reins every day, took them to the beach, up hills, round lochs - anything to wear them out, rather than have them bored and fighting.

The other thing I found helped was to project an air of quiet authority. I didn’t appease or cajole. I was consistent, firm but fair, and aimed to have them respect me rather than take me for a soft mug that they could misbehave in front of!
To that end, I found shouting was counter productive. Toddlers tune it out and ignore it or shout back. Far more effective is to get down to their eye level and go with the quietly menacing hiss!

Where possible, give them an illusion of choice. Not: “Get dressed now. Because I say so.“ Cue furious rebellious “No no no!” tantrum. Instead: “Do you want your blue top or your red top today?”. They feel consulted, and enjoy having the (harmless) power to choose.

Plan their day, so they have a routine, and work in half hour chunks so they don’t get bored with an activity. We used to have half an hour of storytime, half an hour of crayoning or other simple craft, half an hour of nursery rhymes or watching the Singing Kettle and doing the actions/singing along.
(That dates me - yes, my toddlers are now 31 and 32!)

Finally, remember all things pass. When your little darlings are feral monosyllabic teenagers you will find yourself nostalgic for these toddler days! Every stage has some downsides, but try to “pluck the honey off the thorns” and enjoy all the lovely bits of toddlerhood - their sheer joy at stamping in a puddle, their wonder at seeing a butterfly, their exultation at managing to catch a ball.
And all those wonderful times when they say “I love you mummy.”
Hang on in there, OP!

I have twins - do you think its too much for them? You have described a very busy day with lots of stimulation. Its likely they are over tired and anyone over tired has trouble controlling their emotions no matter how old they are.
On the up note it is so much better they learn how to process their emotions now - so just tell yourself tantrums now are saving you grief in the future. My daughter was an angel at 2 - never had trantrums - but she is now going through puberty and struggling more with learning how to process her emotions. The therapist said since she didn't learn that bit at 2 she is learning it now!

Oh gosh.. my twins are 8 weeks and I’m already struggling!

To be honest it sounds like you’ve done so much in one day, if I managed to get out with just DD once when she was I would feel like I was winning at life.

I’ve stopped caring what others think. We went out with the twins and my 3 year old, they cried a bit but I feel so much less self conscious now. It’s hard work and I think it’s great to see parents getting out and about trying their best.

@Mombie2021

I have twin sisters that are a decade younger than me, and I remember the fuck awful 2s with them! Christ. One was extremely highly strung (still is now at 25 ) and one was super chill. I remember my Mum crying many a day, whilst me and my other siblings laughed at their horrific behaviour They were an endless source of entertainment for us 3 singletons.

We had a big garden and we would take them outside to run off their batshit energy whilst Mum had a cuppa/lunch/whatever at weekends. We’d separate them and play different things with them. Just to add - this wasn’t expected but we adored playing with them

That’s so lovely @Mombie2021

Are you still close now?

@didihearthatright123456
You’re doing a great job!! I had my twins when dd just turned 5. Life was very hectic!! They are 15 and 10 now.
Regarding the fighting. I cannot begin to tell you how important this has been for our family as a whole and the twins happiness:
If they ever fall out no matter how big or small, take them to one side together, make them understand they are going nowhere until this has been done. Explain to the out of order twin what she did was unacceptable and why. Explain in detail how it made the other feel. This isn’t just a way to get her to understand but also helps the other feel better about what happened and her feelings recognised.
Make her say sorry. Then the important bit, it’s so cringing but if we don’t do it to this day they hold grudges. Say repeat after me, ‘we are twins and we love each other. Sometimes we upset the other and for that I am so sorry’. Basically get them both to say they are sorry and love each other. Say whatever you want but include that.
Mine are best friends and I am sure the above has a lot to do with it.
Tell them before you go out to shops what is expected and the consequences of not behaving (no pudding or whatever). Make sure you follow through though or that is a big green flag for next time.
Reward good behaviour and explain why they are getting the treat in detail.
If your out and see another toddler having a melt down if possible show them and explain what a scene they are making and embarrassing themselves, that’s what you look like - oh dear.... They will remember.
Don’t forget you are doing great!!!

You can do it and it will get better eventually.

At about this stage I put mine into nursery for two mornings. It gave me time to recover. The first day I did it I just sat on a bench staring into space because I was so astonished to be just me by myself. It gives you a break and then allows you to cope better. Others I knew put one in to give them one to one time with the other.

Nursery feels like a cheat if you are a sahm but twins are full on at the best of times and you need a chance to recharge. Nursery is a helpful tool to get you through the tough times.

@Daisyandroses yes! The dynamic has stayed exactly the same too… Us 3 singletons still spend a lot of time pissing ourselves at them. We are very different to them. It’s basically 3 emo kids and 2 Kardashians We rip the crap out of each other constantly, our poor Mum drinks more gin on the days we are all together than she does in the rest of the year combined, fortunately for her it’s only on our birthdays, Christmas and Easter due to our various jobs, kids and living in different areas. But we do talk a lot via Social Media and keep up with each other.