How much of your problems do you share with your parents?

[Hotbot272]

I've got a lot of problems at the moment. Just one thing after another, my health and DS's health are the main concerns and then lots of general life shit-issues in work, finances, house repair.

My mum and I are very close and I used to tell her everything but she's in her 70's now and I've started keeping stuff to myself, I don't want to burden her however, I'm really missing the support.

How much do you share or do you try and protect your parents too?

They are elderly and in poor health so I don't share any serious problems unless it's unavoidable. I talk to my sister instead - she's grounded and sensible. Many of our problems are to do with our parents' declining capacity.

Nothing much. They don't really have a lot of interest. Tend to praise and speak about friends older dc who have done so well in life (I might have achieved the same or more but they never talk about it or care)

Criticism is all I get. So I tell them nothing.

I share some things, very carefully.

I don't trust them at all to be supportive although they do try.

I think things like health, DC stuff can be ok as long as it's about logistics or some other practical issue. If they can offer practical support it can sometimes help.

But anything really deep or emotional - no way and never have. They have low EQ.

Very little. It's been this way since I left for university at 18. There has always been a tendency to dramatise and I don't need the added pressure when I have problems to sort out. My relationship with my mum has changed a lot since my dad died more recently - the usual parent/child role reversal when they become old and dependent. She definitely wouldn't be able to cope mentally with the burden of my worries on top of her own. My own support network lies elsewhere so that I can be there for her.

no parents, but avoid telling PILs anything of concern. They have a tenancy to get over-involved, and are worriers, so we'd end up managing their anxieties as well as our own. It would be more like a problem doubled than a problem halved! Plus MIL is very indiscreet, and whatever it is would be shared far and wide.

My mum was not a worrier and did not become stressed so I generally did talk to her about stuff/problems. She often have really good sensible advice.
When she got to her late 70s/80s I dialled it back a bit. Still asked for advice (a key part of her ‘role’ I didn’t want her to let go of) but didn’t trouble her with some stuff. Kind of felt we had limited time together and I wanted there to be a bit more fun (for us both), family stuff and for her to have a bit more time to raise her own worries - Brexit, flooding, birds in her garden, one of my siblings, talk about late friends of hers etc.

Nothing

I used to share everything but now nothing as my mum has advanced Alzheimer’s. She’s only 70 and I’d say for about the last four years she hasn’t really been able to think about anything other than her own little world. We do have some nice conversations reminiscing about the past but no conversations about me, what is happening in. Y life. A few years ago I told her about my cancer but I could see she couldn’t process it and we’ve never spoken about it again.

I didn't share much with my mother as she was very anxious and critical.
My own adult children share a lot with me and sometimes I wish they wouldn't to be honest. I'm a real worrier and find it hard enough dealing with my own problems! I'd never tell them that of course and I support them as much as I can.

None of them. My mum is a massive drama llama so she always makes any problem about 1000x worse. Everything has been on a need to know basis for years.

Nothing at all.

General stuff yes but no problems. My mum can’t cope with it and isn’t helpful and it makes me feel worse. Or she judges and criticises. Neither are helpful.

I also have a therapist.

Little as possible. Example - Got diagnosed with diabetes I am 40. Told them and they text or phone multiple times a day to check I am still alive. It’s a manageable condition and I am fine.

They don’t understand I have a life and work. They once called the police for a well check as I hadn’t answered their calls in over 3 hours. I was teaching online. Got a text once as out with friends saying urgent mum needs help. It was a ploy to get me to call back.

Had words and their response was we will stop communicating and pre schedule a response. That lasted 2 days.

They are very high maintenance and needy. Even my partner thinks they are and being a bit manipulative.

Thankyou for all the replies. I'm definitely feeling that shift away from them supporting me to me supporting them. I've been so lucky to have great support off them over the years, it's just hard when you lose that but I think I'm right on keeping some things to myself now.

I share very little - my Dad tries to take over , which I know I should be grateful he's interested but it can get overwhelming. Health wise I don't tell them much, my Mum is a panicker, again I understand she's worried, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to talk to but instead I'm encouraged (by Dad) not to say anything to mum as she'd just worry..

Pretty much everything! Yes some of it watered down but they are very supportive and they would be upset if something big was going on in my life and they didn't know.

If they weren't supportive, or were selfish etc I wouldn't share but I am lucky in that respect.

I don't share much with my parents, as my mum is just not interested and my dad has his own health problems to worry about. They've never been very suportive so I guess i've just switched off from sharing with them.

@badlydrawnbear

None at all. I never have. They are not that kind of parents.

This

Nothing. They've been dead since I was a teenager so it would require a seance of some description.

I can only suggest sharing your support needs around more widely in your circle (a little bit to one friend, a little to another) and taking up support from places like Samaritans if there are things you don't feel able to share with anyone else - you don't need to be suicidal to talk to them.

If you just need to get worries out of your head rather than wanting reflections or advice back, then journaling can help too.

There isn't really a magic solution. Whilst we can turn inwards for some needs, ultimately all humans need social support from others.

It is really shit losing that parental support, so I do feel for you.

Mine are 80 and I still share. They would be upset to think they wouldn’t be there to support us.

God you people! 90% on this thread reckon their parents are narcissistic, disengaged, prefer their siblings or just generally rubbish. How likely is that? And if true let's hope our own children don't judge us by the same standards!

@MrsPsmalls

God you people! 90% on this thread reckon their parents are narcissistic, disengaged, prefer their siblings or just generally rubbish. How likely is that? And if true let's hope our own children don't judge us by the same standards!

Or, you know, it might not be a statistically representative sample of the population replying to the op.

Just a thought.

They scarper if there is a problem then use the "I didn't know" as if they would have helped had they known - excuse, I don't bother telling them anything.

None. Its been a one way street in the other direction for around 15 years. I'm not sure they've noticed but I am certain they don't really care. Parents are now 70.

Not much. I pop in and see her regularly but I just don’t share much in the way of issues/problems. She’s in her 50’s so it’s not to do with her age at all. I tend to keep things to myself and try and work through them alone. I’m the same with dh though, very rarely share if anything is troubling me and internalise it all instead. Not very healthy but I suppose I think saying problems out worse just makes them more real. If I keep them in my head they’re kind of safely stowed away in there!