How do you come to terms with abuse in childhood (TW child abuse)?

[acceptingmychildhood]

My therapist very gently explained to me recently that much of what I thought was a bit of anxiety, is actually post traumatic stress disorder .

She said in her opinion, it stems from early childhood experiences .

I’m finding it very hard to swallow as essentially that means I’m saying my parents were so challenged that they’ve left me with a horrendous number of issues .

I did have a traumatic time . I regularly had to help my mum off the floor from about age four, some of my earliest memories are of seeing mum in hospital . I had to care for her and my siblings, I had to take them to school, to birthday parties etc . There was domestic violence, coercive control . Lots of arguments all the time . We didn’t have enough to eat and we used to run out of electric and hide from the provident lady .

I was also sexually abused to an extent therapist thinks; I was privy to too much too young and aware of my father’s use of porn and that he would abuse/assault mum in front of me a lot . He had sex in front of me once . Therapist said she wonders if more happened that I’ve blanked out . I think she’s right as I remember other things .

I’ve always accepted a lot of this as ‘normal’. I’ve always had a social worker via family, been involved in lots of agencies, carers, befrienders, all sorts . I accepted that as normal and what every family was like .

My parents couldn’t always put me first either through mental illness or through wilful ignorance . I love them both, and I always want to please them for some reason and I want to protect my mother and keep her safe.

But as a teenager I struggled with self harm, suicidal thoughts, what therapist called maladaptive coping and self soothing; as an adult I’ve struggled with codeine addiction, severe anxiety and flashbacks and I’m morbidly obese . And very, very frightened and lonely much of the time .

I have a couple of very, very trusted friends one who I look up to as being like substitute parent and she has explained to me how her family works, how they don’t frighten each other and she’s the parent and in charge . I can see that she’s right and I know therapist is too .

But if I’m saying that there was abuse, surely I’ve done an awful thing? I feel horrendously guilty for even suggesting that there was something wrong .

OP I didn't want to read and not reply and I wonder if you might be better with this in relationships to get some more useful responses?

The guilt is there not because you have done anything wrong, you absolutely haven't, but because it is triggered by your experiences. You grew up having to protect your parents and siblings and this becomes your role and part of your personality, so 'guilt' becomes almost a default emotional setting if you feel for whatever reason you are not fulfilling that role you feel is expected of you. Guilt is also a feature of PTSD isn't it? I have struggled with guilt all my life as well as fear of rejection if I put my own needs or views forward. I think this is because there was too much emotional responsibility put on me as a child and young person. But ultimately your feelings and needs are what it is important to focus on now. Good that you have to therapy and support - recognising and talking about it must be the first step.