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Original poster

Tell me about a time that you were lonely and things got better..

22 replies

Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 20:26

I'm late 20s and I think the pandemic and turning 30 soon is causing a bit of a crisis.

I spent the first part of my 20s recovering from a bereavement. After that I lived and worked abroad in several countries and had the time of my life. I was so happy.

I think things started to go wrong a bit when my ex serious partner cheated on me. It kind of wrecked me and I gained weight.

I moved back to the UK not long before covid struck. I started to build a good social life but it was short lived. I hate my job - I think I've made a mistake with my career. On the surface I'm a smart, kind, (quite?) good looking woman that goes home alone and eats dinner by herself every single night.

The only good thing going for me is my artistic passion which Im making some money from. And my best friends who are amazing people. But I feel so, so lonely.

Have you ever felt this way and things worked out?

OP posts:
Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 20:44

I know it sounds easier said than done. But you’ve got to get out there more. Make some new friends. Invite people out, what about work colleagues? Evening classes etc.

I was extremely lonely after an awful separation and it took me a good few years, but forcing myself out was a good thing. I planned in advance I asked people if they wanted to do things, because I couldn’t expect them to always be suggesting, it’s hard work, but after a while it becomes easier.

Are you OLD? Even to just meet people, some that might just become friends. I think there is a friends version ?

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 20:46

Also. Do you live on your own? Might be worth thinking about a house share? When I was your age I met 2 of my closest friends by doing a house share, always someone to have a chat and a glass of wine, and do the local pub quiz.

Durbeyfield · 14/09/2021 20:46

You’ll be amazed but life can change a lot. I’ve had periods of my life where I’ve been lonely. Now I’m not. Do not give up hope.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 20:50

@Redgeraniums I actually signed up to Tinder for the first time 2 days ago. Honestly so far the messages are either weird or boring. Or normal and then turn weird.

I have made some great friends from work colleagues. We tend to go out for drinks once a month or occasional lunch.

I feel it particularly at night when I get home and cook and eat by myself all the time.

I do live alone! I recently bought my own home. And honestly I have been very glad to get away from flatmates for the last 2 years. I've considered Airbnb for the occasional weekend or renting a room out at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 20:54

I think part of the issue is that most of my hobbies haven't started up again. Everything is still closed.

Meanwhile it feels like everyone is getting engaged, they all seem to have people to go home to and it's hard, really hard.

Of course I KNOW there are times when I had someone to go home to and some of my now partnered friends didn't - on a logical level. But mentally I'm telling myself 'youre alone, no one wants you' which is awful.

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kritigirl · 14/09/2021 20:55

I know how you feel. This was me at your age. Nothing lasts forever. At your age, I honestly never thought things would get better. But they did. I now have a family and good friends. You are young. Think about changing your job, you have time. Use your hobbies and interests to meet you people, and say yes to every invite you get, this was the best advice I was given. It will get better, good luck.

IsabelGowdie · 14/09/2021 20:59

Yep. I felt pretty lonely in my mid 20s. Living in London. I had moved there after uni for a job and none of my uni friends had come and stayed.

I socialised with my work mates, and some were lovely, but most were older and I'm only still really in contact with a couple of them on social media, and I had no life outside work. Some were absolute shits though and I had a rough time. (Think MeToo stuff.)

I drank a lot. I was in a shitty flat share with randoms (flatsharing can be grim). And I was pretty unhappy. (I was thin though...).

Anyway, a random kind friend of a friend would meet me occasionally. He had tons of mates, and invited me to parties, where I got to know a different group vaguely. By this time I had a boyfriend from work, but it was not going anywhere.

Then I got made redundant, got served notice on my shitty flatshare and broke up with the boyfriend in the space of a month. So, one day I thought sod it, texted one of the boys from the party. We started dating, and I've never been lonely since.

It was luck. it was also going out of the friendship group I was stuck in.

It does get better. There are so many people in the same situation as you, especially since the pandemic has put everything on hold.

And I reckon that people will be far more up for making new friends and meeting people after the shitty couple of years we've had.

I wish you all the best.

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 21:00

Well you know that it’s a lie that no one will want you!!!
Therapy? Seems you’re holding onto a lot of stuff about your scumbag ex

MistySkiesAfterRain · 14/09/2021 21:05

Have you thought about counselling op? It can be insidious feeling unloved. I really recommend going to face to face singles nights. I had an absolute ball going - I've done group singles nights and speed dating. My best friend met her partner at a group singles night, they have a little boy. Every speed dating night I had a really great evening. Its the whole thing of having something to dress up for too. I don't think you are alone in how you feel but make a plan, and stay positive Flowers

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 21:08

I'll be honest. I developed feelings for someone I work with too which is partly why I feel so bad. He is quite shy but I think the feelings are mutual. I'm quite attractive & confident and men don't tend to ask me out. Or if they do they are too young! The most good looking guy I've dated never asked me out because he thought I 'saw him as a friend'.

But I've overheard this guy I like talking a new girlfriend recently. He never talks about her to me. Never. But he'll tell other people about her. He'll spend time with me for hours at a time but it is clear he has always been afraid to make a move. It hurts because my feelings for him are genuine and I thought he seemed to feel the same. And now I know it will never go anywhere and I'm back to square one.

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Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 21:10

@Redgeraniums

Well you know that it’s a lie that no one will want you!!! Therapy? Seems you’re holding onto a lot of stuff about your scumbag ex
I would love to try therapy but it is so expensive and im trying to save money at the moment. The doctor did refer me to a free service - I don't know if it will be any good but I suppose I could try it first of all.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 21:15

@IsabelGowdie

Yep. I felt pretty lonely in my mid 20s. Living in London. I had moved there after uni for a job and none of my uni friends had come and stayed.

I socialised with my work mates, and some were lovely, but most were older and I'm only still really in contact with a couple of them on social media, and I had no life outside work. Some were absolute shits though and I had a rough time. (Think MeToo stuff.)

I drank a lot. I was in a shitty flat share with randoms (flatsharing can be grim). And I was pretty unhappy. (I was thin though...).

Anyway, a random kind friend of a friend would meet me occasionally. He had tons of mates, and invited me to parties, where I got to know a different group vaguely. By this time I had a boyfriend from work, but it was not going anywhere.

Then I got made redundant, got served notice on my shitty flatshare and broke up with the boyfriend in the space of a month. So, one day I thought sod it, texted one of the boys from the party. We started dating, and I've never been lonely since.

It was luck. it was also going out of the friendship group I was stuck in.

It does get better. There are so many people in the same situation as you, especially since the pandemic has put everything on hold.

And I reckon that people will be far more up for making new friends and meeting people after the shitty couple of years we've had.

I wish you all the best.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time! And also glad you found a way through. That helps.

Part of my issue is the fact I lived in another country for years. I'm back in my home city now but I don't really feel 'home'. I worry that i made a big mistake by leaving. But I have friends here. And my parents.

I just feel that everything is wrong. That I've made bad decisions. And that now I'm getting older people will judge me for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 21:21

And - sorry - I'll stop the monologue after this.

But I am scared of another lockdown. I don't think I could cope with another one this winter alone.

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MistySkiesAfterRain · 14/09/2021 21:31

What do you think stopped you from making the move? Maybe it was never the right time, or do you think maybe you weren't ready.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (who has the worst relationship luck) talks about being half baked cookie dough-still baking 😂 - and when she realised that she stopped feeling so bad. You can't help the past but I hope you can go forward with confidence Flowers.

DGFB · 14/09/2021 21:37

Yes I’ve been lonely. Around the time I was 30 I had friends but I felt deeply lonely for a partner.
I decided I had to do something about it and out myself out there, eventually going online dating. Met DH and had a family in my mid-30s.
Things do change

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 21:40

I think working on your mental health is WAY more important than saving right now. Like a thousand times more important.
Once I finally did it, mid 30s - well total game changer.

It’s like saying, oh I can’t really afford my happiness because I'm saving up for something practical! Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 22:01

@MistySkiesAfterRain

What do you think stopped you from making the move? Maybe it was never the right time, or do you think maybe you weren't ready.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (who has the worst relationship luck) talks about being half baked cookie dough-still baking 😂 - and when she realised that she stopped feeling so bad. You can't help the past but I hope you can go forward with confidence Flowers.

Working together most likely? Could have ended badly for him especially if I turned him down or took it the wrong way.

Last time we were together he explained that he used to be much shyer than he was now and was starting to get a lot more confident in that regard. But if he has a new girlfriend he can't be that bad! Again he hasn't mentioned her to me, only to others. I don't think he is being dishonest as much as he is putting it off.

I always love to meet fellow Buffy fans Grin you're right. 'I'm not done baking.' but society says by 30 you should be baked so that might partly be why I feel so bad.

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Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 22:03

@Redgeraniums

I think working on your mental health is WAY more important than saving right now. Like a thousand times more important. Once I finally did it, mid 30s - well total game changer.

It’s like saying, oh I can’t really afford my happiness because I'm saving up for something practical! Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.

I agree it is very important but where I live therapy is so expensive.

I know that the main factor in my life that is making me sad is my job. It is a toxic place to work. I want to leave and could support myself for a few months or so as long as I save my money if I resign. If I start spending on therapy, I will likely struggle. I wish I didn't have to choose between them though.

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HollowTalk · 14/09/2021 22:19

Do any of your friends know that you like him? If so could one of them say oh it's a shame you have a girlfriend because OP was interested in you?

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 22:37

I think you’ve just got to let it go with this guy. It’s weird. And get a new job ?
Start looking now?

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 23:01

@Redgeraniums

I think you’ve just got to let it go with this guy. It’s weird. And get a new job ? Start looking now?
I've been searching for a new job for months. Had several interviews. Keep hearing I come across really well but someone with more experience in the sector keeps beating me.

I'm trying so hard but I feel burned out and i think it is now showing in my interviews. I no longer have the energy to keep going, I've just hit a wall. I took a one week holiday and still felt exhausted when I came back - bad sign.

I feel stuck. I want to fly free of this awful job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 14/09/2021 23:04

@DGFB

Yes I’ve been lonely. Around the time I was 30 I had friends but I felt deeply lonely for a partner. I decided I had to do something about it and out myself out there, eventually going online dating. Met DH and had a family in my mid-30s. Things do change
Can I ask what online dating sites you used? I e used tinder over the last week and it is dire overall.
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