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Original poster

He's done it all before

13 replies

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 14/09/2021 17:35

So I know I am being a bit daft and it probably is only a big thing in my head, but how do I put this out of my mind?

My DP is absolutely wonderful. W've only recently moved in together and we are not looking to have kids anytime soon, but do want them at some point in the future. He already has two lovely DCs and is a fantastic father to them and they stay with us about 3 days a week at the moment with view of building it up to 50:50. Their mum is a brilliant mum - she makes it look so natural and easy and has clearly been raising to fab humans (with DP tbf).

Recently we had a friend over and she talked about her birth experience at which point DP mentioned how amazing his ex had been during the kids' births and how he had been 'in awe' of her. I don't know why it was that particular conversation, but it just kind of brought it come crashing down for me that he has done it all before. He will (at least in his head) compare all of our experience of having kids to what things were like with her. What is I am not 'amazing' and what if I won't be as good a mum as she is? It's just made me feel so sad that all the things that will be firsts for me won't be all that exciting for him and he's already lived them with someone who did/does do it all so 'well'.

Anyone been in the same position? What was it like?

OP posts:
Original poster
FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 14/09/2021 17:36

*two

OP posts:
Twospaniels · 14/09/2021 17:48

But they will be firsts with you. And there must be a reason why he is not with her anymore.

He is with you, he loves you, and when you have children it will be for the first time for you both together.

It’s not a competition. Try not to get hung up on it.

Mariell · 14/09/2021 18:03

I’m a great believer in getting it all out before any problems arise.

Talk to him before it becomes a big thing in your head so that he can reassure that he will be just as excited with you as he was was with the previous births of his children etc.

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ShuddaBeenMe · 14/09/2021 18:33

Have they been separated long? That comment would piss me off too

InnPain · 14/09/2021 18:40

If you don’t mind me asking why did they split up? Anyway, as a PP mentioned, there’s a reason they aren’t together anymore.

I understand what you mean about all the firsts but don’t feel disheartened. The child you and DP have together will bring its own set of firsts as it’s with you and a completely new experience with two new people.

Sxxyfing · 14/09/2021 19:18

I can see where your coming from but I think it's a bit selfish. He sounds like a good man and the best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother, his attitude will be lifechanging for his children's self esteem and their future relationships so i think you should get over these selfish thoughts and be grateful for the good man that he is

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/09/2021 19:28

You have to decide how much it will bother you. Would you rather be with your DP, who will be doing it for the first time with you, but will have already done “it” before - or would you rather be with someone who hasn’t done it before at all?

It’s a personal choice. I have friends who wouldn’t consider dating anyone who had already been engaged/married/have kids. I also have friends who have partners with children. It’s a totally personal decision.

If you do stay with him, I think you need to accept that he has history; and that it would be the mark of a good man who was respectful of his existing children’s mum, too. If he’s a good guy, he won’t be comparing you - but it’s also not fair of you to ask him to.

ImInStealthMode · 14/09/2021 19:39

I don't have kids so not quite the same I know, but I have been married before and swore I'd never do it again as I thought it would be like repeating history and would never be as 'special' the second time around. I was absolutely adamant.

I'm marrying my wonderful DP next year and I cannot wait. It's totally different, a million times more exciting and the last one barely crosses my mind at all, much less as a point of comparison.

You and him are different to him and her and will have your own unique and amazing experiences. Put it out of your mind and concentrate on your future with a man you at least already know will be an amazing Dad. If only we all had a crystal ball for that! x

Original poster
FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 14/09/2021 20:48

@Sxxyfing

I can see where your coming from but I think it's a bit selfish. He sounds like a good man and the best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother, his attitude will be lifechanging for his children's self esteem and their future relationships so i think you should get over these selfish thoughts and be grateful for the good man that he is
Completely agree. I am not normally like this and hate that I am feeling this insecure especially when he has done actually done absolutely nothing to warrant that. And I want him to be the kind of man who can see that the mother of his children is great in many, many ways and not someone who is hateful and spiteful. It's part of what I love about him. So I need to get a grip. Just how is the question haha.
OP posts:
Original poster
FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 14/09/2021 20:49

@TakeYourFinalPosition

You have to decide how much it will bother you. Would you rather be with your DP, who will be doing it for the first time with you, but will have already done “it” before - or would you rather be with someone who hasn’t done it before at all?

It’s a personal choice. I have friends who wouldn’t consider dating anyone who had already been engaged/married/have kids. I also have friends who have partners with children. It’s a totally personal decision.

If you do stay with him, I think you need to accept that he has history; and that it would be the mark of a good man who was respectful of his existing children’s mum, too. If he’s a good guy, he won’t be comparing you - but it’s also not fair of you to ask him to.

Agreed. Which is why I haven't said anything, because I would never want him to feel like he has to tread on eggshells saying anything about his children's mum in case I start feeling insecure or something.
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Original poster
FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 14/09/2021 20:54

@ImInStealthMode

I don't have kids so not quite the same I know, but I have been married before and swore I'd never do it again as I thought it would be like repeating history and would never be as 'special' the second time around. I was absolutely adamant.

I'm marrying my wonderful DP next year and I cannot wait. It's totally different, a million times more exciting and the last one barely crosses my mind at all, much less as a point of comparison.

You and him are different to him and her and will have your own unique and amazing experiences. Put it out of your mind and concentrate on your future with a man you at least already know will be an amazing Dad. If only we all had a crystal ball for that! x

This is so lovely to read. Thank you!!!!

I previously lost a pregnancy at 22 weeks and it was heartbreaking. This was well pre-DP, but I am just worried that maybe it won't be as 'simple', exiting and joyful of an experience as it was for them the first time around if we get pregnant at some point.

OP posts:
glitterbugsparkles · 14/09/2021 21:22

I have 2 teenage step children and our little one is nearly 18 months.

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy as my DH had done it all before. He definitely does not get as excited by firsts as I do. And in the beginning he left me to a lot of things so I could find my own way. Sometimes that was great and others not so much!

We have had pretty big arguments over different parenting styles and guidelines which have changed since his kids were little.

It's been a little bit of a minefield but what I would say is you have to keep talking. Work out what your expectations are and make sure that he knows. And if you are wanting to follow different guidelines to his thinking, try and get him to read the current ones. (I continue to fail at this)

Another thought to consider is your DH. Mine struggled with how to split his time and support me whilst spending a similar amount of time as pre LO with his kids. Having step children does bring a totally different dynamic to being a ftm that my other friends just haven't had to deal with.

It's such an exciting time having a baby with your DH. You will be the mum you want to be for your child. You are the step mum your step children need you to be. They don't need you to be their mum, and you don't need to be like their mum either. Your DH will see you for you.

Original poster
FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 14/09/2021 22:28

Thank you it's great to read about your experience. We are a fair bit off having babies at this point, but there'll still likely not be a huge age gap to his kids, so hopefully at least changing guidelines will not be a major issue.

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