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Original poster

It's a gender disappointment one

16 replies

hellosun20 · 14/09/2021 13:09

I just need somewhere to share my feelings. I can't talk about this to anyone irl and I feel like it's eating me alive.

I have two wonderful, gorgeous boys. I love them so much it hurts and I am so grateful that I was able to have them with no difficulties getting pregnant. This is part of the reason I am finding it so hard because I know how lucky I am to have them and I know I'm being totally pathetic.

I am just desperate for a girl. I have been my whole life. I had the boys a bit younger than my peers and now they're all having kids and it seems like they're all having girls. I find it really hard when they tell me they're having a girl which I know is just totally ridiculous! I obviously don't let this show. I'm so lucky to have had these boys I know.

It's not the dressing in pink and going shopping. I'm really not into that myself and I'm not a girly girl. Really against gender stereotypes too. It's just something about having a little girl which I am desperate for.

I feel like being a boy mum changes your whole experience of parenthood. Just like being a girl mum does.

We haven't ruled out a third but realistically I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. We don't have lots of space and the boys have put a strain on our marriage as it is.

Sorry for the rant but I just need to get this off my chest. I don't know what's got into me.

OP posts:

elQuintoConyo · 14/09/2021 13:23

I'm sorry you're feeling this.

However... I have one DS age 10, Sil has one DD age 10, there is bugger all difference in parenting them based on their sex.

Congratulations

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 14/09/2021 13:42

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I think you know deep down that it's probably a primal thing? There is something about being the mother of a daughter, however ridiculous that sounds. I know I was a bit upset when I found out my first DC was a boy, and oddly elated when my second was a girl. Totally irrational, but I have to admit to it.

The thing I would say though is that I see my DC as individuals, not as boychild, girlchild. They're just who they are, not what they have between their legs. DS is the most ridiculously soppy affectionate thing imaginable, whereas DD is forthright, independent, and actually quite terrifying. They're both teenagers now, so I've lived with them a while...

The feeling I get is that you think you've missed out somehow by not having a daughter? Can you say what it is you think you've not had the chance to experience? Because I'm sure there are loads of us who can tell you that you really haven't missed anything. But it's about how you feel, and why

JeVoudrais · 14/09/2021 13:51

I was the third child and only girl following two boys. I have a crap relationship with my mum. She was desperate for a girl but she has far better relationships with the boys. It was hard growing up but I wasn't parented well which is part of it. I am just posting my experience to show that it might not be all that you imagine if you did have another and it was a girl.

I know what you mean about wanting a little girl though. If I had a choice of one child only I would want a girl. And if I could have a girl and a boy or two girls I think I would be tempted to choose two girls. It's weird because with horses I always prefer geldings, very rare I am taken with a mare. Same for dogs actually.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2021 13:57

This is part of the reason I am finding it so hard because I know how lucky I am to have them and I know I'm being totally pathetic.

You don't have to feel pathetic or self-loathing about it, but I do think the healthiest thing to do is to hang onto that feeling that you're being irrational and silly and to keep reminding yourself of it - not in a 'I'm terrible' way, but in a 'I know rationally that this is a silly way to feel'.

These gender disappointment threads always end up being a mix of people flaming and condemning the OP and people validating them and saying it's not just ok but reasonable to feel this way and I don't think either is helpful. This kind of thought - upsets you, regarding something you can't practically change (you can't turn your boys into girls, you say a third child isn't a good idea and it might be a third boy anyway so that's no solution) - really is best dealt with by giving it as little headspace as possible and I suspect these threads usually have the opposite effect for the OP.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 15:11

I feel like being a boy mum changes your whole experience of parenthood. Just like being a girl mum does.

If its any help at all, I have one of each and my experience of parenting has been no different with either.

Any differences have been based upon personality differences and not sex differences.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/09/2021 15:41

You don't know that having a girl would be as you imagine it to be. I think gender disappoint is no really about the gender of your baby, bit about the difference in the reality of the baby you have vs the baby you are imagining.

I have two dc the same gender. I had always imagined having one of each, perhaps because that was the set up in the family I grew up in. It felt wierd for a while, and I wondered if I was missing out on something.

I think you just have to enjoy what you have and remember that a fantasy is just a fantasy.

ThreeLocusts · 14/09/2021 15:53

I hear you. I had two girls and was desperate for a boy. I have a colleague who was bitterly disappointed when her second child was another boy. While my father was very bitter about me being a second girl (unlike the other ppl just mentioned, he made no effort to hide it). That stuff happens.

I get a feeling that ppl often want a child of the sex of the parent that they didn't get on well with - see above, my dad was a dead loss and somehow it felt like having a son would make something right. Whereas my colleague with the two boys had a very difficult and distant mother. I'm not saying any of this 'makes sense' but not all feelings do.

Whatever you end up doing, try to be kind to yourself, and I hope your partner is understanding. Those can be difficult conversations.

bert3400 · 14/09/2021 16:05

I can completely understand your feelings as I ended up having 4 boys . I'm incredibly close to my mum as well but I know I won't have that same relationship with my boys. 3 of my son's are adults and I always have to initiate contact, None of them ever ring or just pop round . It's very sad but I don't dwell on it. I'm am incredibly lucky to have 4 healthy children . Focus on the positives of having boys/sons, try for a 3rd child but you must not let it get you down if you have another boy . Hard I know as my 4th pregnancy, I was convinced it was a girl but it was another boy .... I'm consistent and I wouldn't change a thing

Poolbridge · 14/09/2021 16:37

Gender selection is possible in Cyprus, Turkey and the US through clinics offering IVF / ICSI treatment if you felt so strongly about this and wanted to ensure you had a child of a particular gender. Just saying it is an option…

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/09/2021 16:45

If you could identify what exactly it is about being the parent of a girl that you want so much, it might help you get over your perceived disappointment?
Having raised one child of each sex to pre-teens, you do the same things at the same time. If anything, I would say having preconceived expectations of what it would be like to be the parent of a girl would set you up for more disappointment, if you felt it didn't live up to your lifelong imagination.

lynntheyresexpeople · 14/09/2021 16:46

If you feel your two children have put a strain on your relationship, then a third doesn't sound like a sensible idea, whatever the sex turns out to be.

PresidentJoey · 14/09/2021 19:23

@Poolbridge

Gender selection is not possible in the Republic of Cyprus (an EU country).

CanICelebrate · 14/09/2021 19:30

I’m genuinely sorry that you feel like this but these threads make me really sad.

I’m a mum not a ‘boy mum’
I have one with high functioning autism, one who is lgbt, one who is sensitive and one who is boisterous with adhd. They are a mixture of introverts and extroverts, one is super cuddly and the others are not.
Yes they are all boys but they are each individuals and their sex isn’t the sum of who they are.
I hope as they get older the feeling of disappointment subsides

Chantelle1185 · 02/04/2022 00:02

I hear you! I’m spending a fortune to have a girl through IVF and nobody gets it. It’s just what I want. It’s okay to rant!

veronicagoldberg · 02/04/2022 12:45

@Chantelle1185

I hear you! I’m spending a fortune to have a girl through IVF and nobody gets it. It’s just what I want. It’s okay to rant!

Is that even legal?

Why is the sex of your child so important? I'm presuming it's because of genetic conditions that would affect only male foetuses. Right?

Chantelle1185 · 02/04/2022 16:21

Yes. It is.

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