I've received a customer satisfaction survey from the funeral director

[SaturdaySpread]

Which does seem a bit odd, but I suppose they're a business like any other.

It's received by post, a big A4 envelope with a postage paid return envelope. I haven't seen it done like this in years!

As it happens, I am minded to reply. The service I received was lovely, they really couldn't have done more, they made planning the funeral "easy", had answers and suggestions for all my concerns.

The one thing I would like to feedback was that the arranger was a bit OTT in her devastation at my loss. Not just a professional offer of condolences, but every time I spoke to her "you poor thing" "I can't imagine" "a terrible time" "I'm devastated for you"

Obviously she was just trying to show understanding and support but I found it all a bit much. I actually coped outwardly quite well in the first few weeks and it almost felt like she was telling me I wasn't upset enough, that she was more upset than I was. Plus it's all a bit fake. Obviously she can't be personally devastated for every client, how would she ever get through a week?

Would you have found this off? Would you feed it back, as they've asked?

I would feedback but would be much more polite that you’ve been here. I certainly wouldn’t use the word “fake”. No harm in suggesting that some people might prefer a more matter of fact approach.

I understand exactly what you mean, the 'fake' empathy and sympathy from the funeral directors and the celebrant etc when my DDad died really wound me up, obviously they didn't know him or me at all and dealt with hundreds of people in the same situation so the 'he was such a special person', 'what a terrible loss', 'I feel so much for you and your family' was just so trite and irritating, they must have been trotting out the same lines to every person they met whether the deceased was Mother Teresa or a serial killer or anywhere in between.

I much prefered the odd person I came across in the process that was more business-like, a quick perfunctory 'sorry for your loss' and then down to brass tacks of whatever I needed them to do suited me better but I get that many people would have found that cold and unfeeling so I don't think people can win either way really...

TBH I didn't say anything about it to the 'over-empathisers' when I had the chance and I don't regret it. I had a lot of complicated and conflicting emotions going on at that time anyway (who doesn't when they've been bereaved) and I might have said something unfair or unkind - of course if you feel you can be balanced and give the feedback constructive way then go right ahead but I think it's probably better for people in this profession to err too much on the side of sympathy and rub up the likes of you and me wrongly than go the other way...

This thread has brought back horrible memories of the 'special voice' some people put on when you've been bereaved, a sort of breathy whisper that tries to convey deep sorrow and total gentle caring, it sends shudders down my spine , sometimes it's even accompanied by a gentle stroke of the hand or shoulder pat but even if it isn't it has the same intrusive, over familiar quality for me! I think along with the death certificate the authorities should issue some kind of traffic light badge system for the bereaved, a green for 'please use the 'special' voice and talk to me about my loss in awed tones', an amber 'go ahead but you might make me cry so have tissues ready' and a red 'the special voice makes my teeth itch and I might just dump all my rage and unresolved grief into your feedback form if you use it on me', or similar?