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Original poster

Is this a red flag (online dating)?

26 replies

MargaretMorris · 13/09/2021 18:06

I got talking to a guy and we were getting on well. It is also worth saying English is not his first language though it's pretty good. He asked what I am looking for and I was honest - I signed up to the app for casual dating primarily and if it leads to something more I'm open to it.

He replies 'I'm open minded as well, looking for everything from friendship to hard sex or even a relationship if the connection is there for both'

So...'hard sex'? Why not just leave it at sex and leave it at that!

I actually managed to find him on instagram (naughty I know) and he looks like a pretty normal guy with a great job. He seems nice!

What would you think this meant? I have visions of being tied up in a sex dungeon at the most extreme

OP posts:

IceLace100 · 13/09/2021 18:08

Hmmm tricky one. Do you know what his native language is? Maybe someone can shed some light on whether there is a translation issue.

Or you could just say "when you say "hard sex" what do you mean exactly?"

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/09/2021 18:11

I do know what his native language is as I speak it to an ok level. It wouldn't have been difficult to just say 'sex' !

I think I will need to ask. It is still early days so don't really want to get into the nitty gritty of it before we've even met! At least he's direct I suppose...

OP posts:

Etinox · 13/09/2021 18:11

I think once the boundaries are even slightly blurred, which they are speaking virtually and talking about casual dating it becomes much harder to see red flags. Added to that a language barrier and it’s impossible to tell.
Hard sex might be real as in hard copy or it might mean rough. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Keep it online for a bit longer and stay very alert.

Etinox · 13/09/2021 18:13

@IceLace100

Hmmm tricky one. Do you know what his native language is? Maybe someone can shed some light on whether there is a translation issue.

Or you could just say "when you say "hard sex" what do you mean exactly?"

The problem with that is that she’s shifting the parameters into it being ok to talk about sex. Which might be fine and exactly what the op is happy with in an online relationship. But if she’s not…

Mariell · 13/09/2021 18:15

I’m an old duffer but I would interpret that as it just being a sexual relationship, nothing else.

In the context of the sentence he refers to friendship and a relationship with ‘hard sex’ sandwiches in between so I wouldn’t think he meant anything kinky just a no strings attached sexual relationship.

I think young people call them ‘hook ups’.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/09/2021 18:26

Interesting @Mariell

I'm ok with that for the time being, it would suit me. It was the use of the word 'hard' that threw me! If someone was more into rough sex I see why they might specify (IE the way he did)

OP posts:

Suprima · 13/09/2021 18:43

He’s fishing to see if you are dense enough to ‘see where things gooooo’ and shag him away as he might want a relationship with that special gal?

Do you actually want a relationship? You either you do or you or you don’t. If the answer is “yes, with the right person and mood”- that should be your stance always. You don’t need to shag a few frogs to find this out. Casual dating means actually dating, not 2 dinners out then slip into Netflix and chill and shagging. This is what you’d get with this bloke. No dating involved.

If you genuinely want something casual, then still- this is a man who is not worth no strings attached vagina. He has made it fairly obvious that he is seeking sex, whilst keeping the potential of a relationship hanging over a woman’s head. That’s literally what he has said to you.

Also his exact phrasing makes him sound like an utter bellend. Hard sex? Who says that to someone they don’t know? “Something casual” “A bit of fun” - fine. But hard sex? You couldn’t take this man bloody anywhere.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/09/2021 18:43

Yeah I kind of agree with this @Etinox. Im glad he asked the question but I don't really want to start getting into it.

At the same time I don't want to ignore it and then end up in his sex dungeon

OP posts:

IceLace100 · 13/09/2021 18:50

Ok I interpreted 'casual dating' as meaning 'casual sex'.

Reading this back, it's not what you actually said.

But with online dating, if you're saying anything other than 'I want a relationship' its kind of code for you wanting a hook up...

Shouldn't be that way but it is.

Suprima · 13/09/2021 18:54

@IceLace100

Ok I interpreted 'casual dating' as meaning 'casual sex'.

Reading this back, it's not what you actually said.

But with online dating, if you're saying anything other than 'I want a relationship' its kind of code for you wanting a hook up...

Shouldn't be that way but it is.

Correct. But with exceptions.

Women should ALWAYS keep their cards close to their chest. ALWAYS. We have so much to lose as men on the internet can be actually insane. The personal risk is higher. Women are also socialised to be ‘kind’ and make excuses for odd behaviour. Never give your cheat sheet to someone, even if you want casual sex. Wait, let them tell you who you are, meet for dinner, have a drink- then see whether you want to extend the offer.

Men who want a relationship will say they want a relationship.
Men who want a bit of fun and might be worth a tumble will say they ‘want a bit of fun’.
Men who aren’t worth vagina-on-demand will give the ‘let’s see where things gooooo’ talk.

You might not mind- but anyone trying to dupe women on Tinder aren’t going anywhere near my nether regions.

Byheckythump · 13/09/2021 18:59

Sounds terrifying to me. But I am old and would rather stay home and watch a good mini series! Take care.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/09/2021 19:00

I tend to agree with you @Suprima. I mean - if he'd said casual I would have got the message.

To be clear, I am happy to have a casual relationship/sex with a nice guy. I am also open to a serious relationship if I meet someone - I just don't tend to meet people I feel that strongly about very often.

I think I agree with you. The hard sex thing was an odd comment to make. My gut doesn't like it. Just seemed to be an alarm bell.

Out of all the other guys who messaged chatting to, there is one other who I'm getting on well with and has not said anything weird like this. I think I'll bin this one off and take my time with any others.

OP posts:

IceLace100 · 13/09/2021 19:05

My gut doesn't like it. Just seemed to be an alarm bell.

Trust your gut!

BudrosBudrosGalli · 13/09/2021 19:07

That would worry me, as to me it sounds like he might mean rough sex.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/09/2021 19:08

You're right @IceLace100. I usually do. I enjoyed talking to him until that weird comment. Can't overcome it unfortunately.

I'm brand new to online date and it's a complete minefield!

OP posts:

Suprima · 13/09/2021 19:14

@MargaretMorris

I tend to agree with you *@Suprima*. I mean - if he'd said casual I would have got the message.

I think I agree with you. The hard sex thing was an odd comment to make. My gut doesn't like it. Just seemed to be an alarm bell.

If you MAY want a relationship, I would be worried that you would be wasting emotional energy on a fuckbuddy, when you could be meeting someone who would shag you with wild abandon, rub your feet and plan a lovely life with you? A fuckbuddy shouldn’t be a relationship. It’s not worth the emotional energy.

But if you are keen, this is what I would advise.

Keep lists and notes- match with some men for fun. Ensure they are respectful, polite, not pushy and HOT (otherwise, not worth it).

Then, match with some men who you think are ‘relationship material’. Like dream man material. Take sex off the table completely, be coy about what you are looking for and date.

Something might blossom in either.

I’m trying to get off my lectern- but I know too many friends in mid thirties who have wasted YEARS on casual relationships/fuckbuddy scenarios and now they would like to meet someone now and they are finding it harder.

They literally let some mediocre sex get in the way of meeting someone actually great.

Also, a ‘casual relationship’ shouldn’t be using emotional energy or taxing, certainly not like a relationship without the label of ‘girlfriend’. No cooking for, or insane levels of texting or anything.

Inthesameboatatmo · 13/09/2021 19:15

I've been old in an off for a while now and language barrier is tricky even if you speak their language.
As they try to articulate things and it goes wrong, I've had everything from I'm gods git to they want to kiss my garlic.

Bless them though.
I would take it as he means that he wants sex in any form but just make sure he knows your boundaries clearly before hand and keep it online for now .
Good luck .

Yummypumpkin · 13/09/2021 19:17

Other than this how often does he use a word in an unusual way? That might be a scientific way to estimate the probability of it being a language error. If never, then he means hard sex!!

Yummypumpkin · 13/09/2021 19:19

Hard sex actually sounds good according to urban dictionary. www.google.com/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3fterm=hard%2bsex&amp=true

AmyDudley · 13/09/2021 19:58

If someone I hadn't met started going on about hard sex I'd find it fetch-me-a-sick-bag off putting.

I'd file him under S for sleazebag and move on.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/09/2021 20:02

He might have misused ‘hard’ in place of hot?

TheDuchessOfMN · 13/09/2021 20:07

Don’t bin him off yet.
Perhaps he meant ‘wild sex’, and maybe he was just being honest/direct/lighthearted

AmyDudley · 13/09/2021 21:18

He might have meant difficult sex.

pictish · 13/09/2021 21:21

Think he just slipped that in there, you know…friendship, HARD SEX, maybe a relationship. Hopefully hard sex.

IndecentCakes · 13/09/2021 23:22

"God's Git"

Maybe he meant HARD SEX to emphasise that his penis will definitely not be soft and therefore disappointing?

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