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Original poster

Child moving to secondary, when do the nerves stop?

21 replies

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2021 13:45

Just that really. DC moved to secondary last week, he has to walk to a bus stop, private bus to school then same on way back. Coming home he has a big road to cross.
I'm a nervous wreck, I've been walking with him on a morning to the bus stop and meeting him on an evening, this morning I walked with him but told him he should walk home alone tonight, he seems ok about it, at the same time didn't seem to mind me walking with him. I'm babying him I know. My mind just doesn't stop, what if he gets run over? What if he gets bullied by kids from other schools? What if he misses his stop? It's all absolutely ridiculous thoughts to have, but I can't stop.
Is this normal? I'm not usually over dramatic or such a worrier.

I should add when I've waited over the road for him on an evening he seems to not concentrate crossing but I do think that's because I'm there maybe?

OP posts:

reluctantbrit · 13/09/2021 14:22

I think you worry too much.

How much freedom does he have? Walking to friends on his own? Going to places alone or with friends? Walking to hobbies alone? Does he has a phone?

We started all this end of Y5/beginning of Y6. They only learn if you let them.

We had also no choice, we both work, so meeting at a bus stop etc was impossible in the middle of the day. Also a knee injury meant I couldn’t drop DD off in the morning at primary school or childminder so she just went on her own.

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2021 14:31

We don't live close to his friends. Or within walking distance of his hobby so this is a big new step. I was in a similar position at his age due to our location and choice of school, I managed fine!

He's got a phone which is good

It's definitely a case of worrying too much but also worry that I know is ridiculous but I can't stop.

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 13/09/2021 14:32

It really does seem like you are babying him. Walking to and from a bus stop should be perfectly okay for a child that age. He is not even getting a public bus and having to pay etc.

Did you do anything to prepare him for secondary school? Have you allowed him to gradually build up his freedom? Many children that age will come home to an empty house as their parents would still be out at work.

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Heatherjayne1972 · 13/09/2021 14:55

He’s going to be fine. My baby has just started secondary. - I get what your feeling
Honestly They settle in after the first few weeks, you just have to let them go a bit. Keep talking and Be interested in their day,

It’s hard because as parents we have way less contact with school or other parents than we did at primary although the fb group had been really helpful for the parents who’ve not done secondary before.- are you on one of those groups??
I think we all worry about bullying tho.

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2021 15:02

@Heatherjayne1972

He’s going to be fine. My baby has just started secondary. - I get what your feeling Honestly They settle in after the first few weeks, you just have to let them go a bit. Keep talking and Be interested in their day, It’s hard because as parents we have way less contact with school or other parents than we did at primary although the fb group had been really helpful for the parents who’ve not done secondary before.- are you on one of those groups?? I think we all worry about bullying tho.

Yes I think that the no contact thing is all new too. I had to pick him up from school in primary (I have a job that's flexible 99% of the time) but would meet him a couple of streets away so he could just jump in the car and get used to a bit of responsibility. agree about the Facebook group there's one with the mums from the primary that's been a huge help for chatting through how the kids are finding it.

OP posts:

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2021 15:04

All the things about 'others do xyz' are all things I know and accept yet irrationally I worry

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Beamur · 13/09/2021 15:07

The change from primary to high school is so huge!
My DD (just started yr10) still reels with incredulity that I watched every step when she was at Primary and then dispatched her to high school with a cheery wave (2 buses and a humongous A road to cross!) However I was having kittens daily until she was safely home.
(I do still walk with her to the bus stop in the morning though,we both pretend it's to walk the dog but we both quite like the stroll and chat before school).
Relax. He will be fine, but if you both want to do part of the journey together that's fine too.

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2021 15:19

@Beamur

The change from primary to high school is so huge! My DD (just started yr10) still reels with incredulity that I watched every step when she was at Primary and then dispatched her to high school with a cheery wave (2 buses and a humongous A road to cross!) However I was having kittens daily until she was safely home. (I do still walk with her to the bus stop in the morning though,we both pretend it's to walk the dog but we both quite like the stroll and chat before school). Relax. He will be fine, but if you both want to do part of the journey together that's fine too.

Thank you, yes it's huge! Nice to know you still walk with her. I've 'popped' to the shop every day. I will see how he feels, he seems to enjoy the company and the chat.

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MeredithMae · 13/09/2021 15:44

Oh @storminabuttercup I feel you 100%. My DS (who admittedly is very much my PFB) started secondary too and I've not been ok the past two weeks . My anxiety is through the roof with the 'what ifs' and I've been a bit of a mess really (although have hidden it well from him, I hope).

He has to ride his bike there and the whole time I feel anxious and check him on Find My iPhone to make sure he's got there safe. Then when the end of the day comes around the anxiety comes back.. what if he falls off his bike... gets run over... etc etc.

Right now I'm clock watching because he finished at 330 and should be home by 350. Resisting the urge to track his phone. So I feel you!

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2021 15:47

@MeredithMae I'm sorry you're feeling the same but also glad at the same time it's not just me. I guess we all manage these things differently
Find my iPhone does put my mind at rest a little too!

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olivermcfuddling · 13/09/2021 15:51

Dd went to middle school....off on thw school bus in year 5....it was nervewracking!

MeredithMae · 13/09/2021 16:05

He's back now, so I can rest now, til tomorrow when it all starts again! How long will this anxiety go on for I wonder?

I'd definitely walk with him in the mornings, why not, nice way to start the day.

HelplessProcrastinator · 13/09/2021 16:15

My DD has a 30th August birthday just started year 7 and I’m not particularly worried. She has been walking to school and playing in the park with her friends for a year in preparation for year 7. It’s my job to raise an independent and sensible young person.

HelplessProcrastinator · 13/09/2021 16:18

Doesn’t your DS mind you walking him every morning? My girls love being trusted to get on with it themselves.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/09/2021 16:35

If you haven't prepared him (or yourself) for this milestone, have a think about how you can be better prepared the next ones which will be here before you know it!

You really shouldn't be worrying so much whether a secondary school aged child can cross the road safely when you have been teaching him to do it for years!

Have you talked about paying attention and not missing his stop and what to do in if he does (get off at the next one, text you to let you know, and walk back!). It is unlikely he will miss it on a school bus as it stops for ages as lots are disembarking at the same time and the bus stops are generally quite close to each other (we have 3 stops within 1 mile so easily walkable).

If you ds is feeling comfortable about it after a week, so should you.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/09/2021 16:36

@HelplessProcrastinator

Doesn’t your DS mind you walking him every morning? My girls love being trusted to get on with it themselves.

ds would have told me to go away and stop embarrassing him loved being trusted too

reluctantbrit · 13/09/2021 17:41

@HelplessProcrastinator

Doesn’t your DS mind you walking him every morning? My girls love being trusted to get on with it themselves.

I had all these plans, driving DD at least part of the way (she has to walk down a no-car lane for the last bit) on her first day.

God, she was so embarrassed that I even thought about it. For her it was the start of something new so she already checked with two other girls on our road (same primary school but not the same form) that they would meet and walk together.

I am graciously allowed to drop her off if it is pouring down or she has to bring awakward shaped stuff with her.

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 14/09/2021 07:38

Some interesting comments lots to think about and I repeat I know this is irrational.

In regards to the morning, he's the only child from the school catching the bus at that stop, lots going off to other schools, I asked him today and he said he would like me to walk with him another week. I think he's slightly daunted that's there's maybe 20 kids there with different uniforms to him, I think I would have been at that age.

Crossing the road, yes we've been teaching him years, yes he's confident doing it.

Missing his stop, again no other children disembark at that stop nor do they for another 3 miles after this stop, he's not missed it yet, he knows the drill if he does.

I'm really glad so many haven't had these worries and sympathy to those who have. I like to think he's pretty confident and he of course doesn't know about these fears I have. You can't help how you feel I guess

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 14/09/2021 07:46

I’m with you OP and I’m not so sure mumsnet is the place to get a true representation to how parents feel. Either that or everyone I’ve spoken to are humouring me and simply agreeing it’s hard. My son is in year 9 and it was SO hard for me to accept he could walk to school and back on his own. So many possibilities that could go wrong! It does get easier with time and it does also boost their confidence. You will get used to it I promise- take as long as you need.
My son never walked to primary on his own as he has a younger sibling, and he truly is a rarity in that he liked the company and still meets me now at the primary (sometimes) to collect his sister. He just truly doesn’t care what other kids or adults think about his independence and he loves his family. Nothing at all wrong with that, they will all get there!

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 14/09/2021 08:27

Thanks @Vallmo47 that's really reassuring and I appreciate the kind words.

Indeed Mumsnet is a funny place at times.

OP posts:

Remmy123 · 14/09/2021 08:35

I still worry about my son who gets the train and he is year 8. I still worry but I am a real worrier

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