Struggling with disability and feelings of bitterness. Can anyone relate?

[Paperchase283]

I've had a chronic disease for over 20 years now. I've never been resentful of it, just accepted that this is the hand I've been dealt and got on with my life to the best of my capabilities.

I'm now 40 and life is really tough, I'm struggling with the condition on a daily basis and I feel really quite bitter towards my friends. I try and stay away from social media as much as possible but when I do go on all I see is people out and about, making up for lost time after covid, 'making memories', just enjoying life while I'm stuck at home. I've got no life outside of work and the home. DH and I never get to go out together anymore. He's absolutely wonderful and supportive but he must feel limited by my condition as much as I am. Thankfully DS is now a teenager so he's not reliant on me for his social life any more and when he was younger I was able to do much more with him.

I dont want to turn into a bitter old woman but I seriously feel like shouting at all these smug friends to go fuck themselves! They have no idea how lucky they are and I know that SM is just a screen shot of people's lives but anything is better than nothing and I'm just nothing.

There was so much during lockdown about how it was affecting everyone's lives, how difficult it was, what an awful time everyone was having. My life barely changed. Now everyone's out living it up whilst I'm still stuck at home. It's brutal and no one cares.

I'm aware I sound like a horrible person. I didn't used to be and I keep it all hidden in real life.
I just needed somewhere to offload. Thanks for reading.

It’s natural to feel like that I think. I have some injuries that occurred in my 30s and it causes me daily pain and limits what I can do and what I can wear (I can’t exercise because of pain and I have to keep certain parts covered to hide scars). I get the rage when I see other people jogging and wearing bikinis and little cropped tops. It’s jealousy combined with a bit of self pity and “why me?” Can’t do anything about the hand I’ve been dealt, it just makes me so angry.

I know it must be hard, I have a dd with mobility issues and she hates not being able to do the things her friends do.

Im one of those annoying people on SM, im very active and am always out and about but I just wanted to say that I appreciate it and I don't take it for granted which is why I enjoy being out and about so much, things can change so quickly so I love every day to the fullest whilst I can. I try and find ways my dd can get out and about too, its often hard and she can't manage to go far, we find places that are accesable, places where she doesn't have to walk too far, I know ots not the same as being able to go on a hike or being able to spend a whole day out with friends but its something.

Im sure people do care but are just unsure how they can help?

Would getting some outside help leave you free to keep your energies for some you time?
I am a cleaner but assist 1 particular customer who has mobility issues enabling her to save her energy for herself not chores and shopping!

Thanks all. Some outside help would be amazing but we don't qualify for anything and can't afford to pay for it ourselves.

I just wish people would be a little more mindful of other people's struggling when they're harping on about all the amazing stuff they've been doing. I understand people love and appreciate their lives but this new world we live in where everything has to be documented and shared can have a massively detrimental effect on people like me. I'd love to come off SM altogether but I'm already pretty invisible in the world, if I deleted it I think I'd just vanish completely!

People used to care but I think they just run out of sympathy. Maybe it drags them down, so I've learnt to keep my struggles to myself.

I have chronic pain and people generally just don't get it. They think in terms of pain they have which settles after a few days, a sprained ankle that gets better. It is beyond their understanding that I have pain every single day with no end in sight.

And I do think they find it annoying that we keep saying the same thing over and over. They say "oh are you still in pain?" in a surprised kind of way and I want to say Yes, this is my life every day for ever.

Do you ever use the new chronic pain board? It helps to talk to people who have the same experiences. We get it. I'm sorry you're suffering.

Sm is just a snap shot. I'm chronically ill with several conditions the last 10 years or so . Any outing or event I go to can leave me in agony or in bed for several days , has to be meticulously planned and I have to rest before hand. I endure this because I want to have nice memories. From my social media you wouldn't know any of this whatsoever. I take the pictures of me looking happy and smiling and enjoying myself. I don't put pictures up of me crying in bed and struggling to walk to the bathroom. My point is that you've no idea what is going on in these peoples lives and what they have to go through to have these days out. Keeping this in mind might help you feel less resentful.

** I try and stay away from social media as much as possible but when I do go on all I see is people out and about, making up for lost time after covid, 'making memories', just enjoying life while I'm stuck at home.

I dont want to turn into a bitter old woman but I seriously feel like shouting at all these smug friends to go fuck themselves! They have no idea how lucky they are and I know that SM is just a screen shot of people's lives but anything is better than nothing and I'm just nothing.**

^You are being completely unreasonable. By your own admission people are just getting on with life, nothing wrong with that and you obviously resent that.

I very easily get upset and feel quite bitter due to chronic illness. It's very hard for me to do a lot of ' normal things' -events, any exercise, holidays. I've been unable to start a family due to my health problems which is the part which is hardest to deal with. I don't use Facebook anymore as not helpful, do have Instagram but am quite mindful of when I go on it. I also recognise that people mostly only share good days in their lives, and can still be apparently having a great time but with a lot of difficulty in their lives. It's hard and painful, but I can't expect other people to not live their life the best they can because of the cards I have been dealt.

I think YABU to expect people not to post photos and comments about them being out and about having fun, that’s like expecting people not to post photos of their child incase one person on their SM has lost a child, not announcing pregnancy incase someone has miscarried or not posting photos of their parents incase someone has lost their parents. If people thought that much before posting on SM no one would ever post anything.

I know it’s different but I’m isolating at the moment (I have covid), I’m a bit annoyed as all my friends are out having fun, the suns out and I’m stuck at home, but seeing people post photos on SM is helping, I like seeing people having fun, why should the world stop for me or anyone? SM would be pretty miserable if people didn’t post fun things on there?

Rae36 thankyou, I'll have a look at that board. I think chatting to people who understand would probably be very cathartic.

I suspect I'd benefit hugely from some counselling.

drpet49 your reply isn't helpful at all. This isn't aibu, i posted for somewhere to offload, that's all.

Lovemusic33

I think YABU to expect people not to post photos and comments about them being out and about having fun

I know its not reasonable of me. Im not I my normal frame of mind. Long term disability fucks with your mental health.

Athinginitself sorry to hear you've had a rough time too.

I shouldn't have posted on here.

This must be so shit.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for this getting you down at least some of the time.

Sounds like your friends have very different lives from you. Are you able to connect with anyone local who you could relate to a little more?

Yes, you should post Paperchase, plenty of us empathise and sympathise. I have a chronic condition too and totally get how you feel. Similarly lockdown didn’t seem that different from normal life - in fact it was easier as I don’t have to use up energy commuting and getting around at work. And as another poster said, you’ll see me on social media having a great time with the kids, not battling insomnia, having panic attacks, injuring myself because I have overdone it and sobbing at home because I don’t know how I will get the kids to school tomorrow. I get it.

I get it, it’s sucks. Long term disabled, fluctuating spine condition, also very socially anxious so I don’t have any friends to go out with

Bearsinmotion thankyou, sorry to hear you're struggling too.

IceLace100 thankyou. I made a huge effort to make connections locally and when DS was younger I felt like I had a good little support system but you have to be visible, you have to have something to give back and once you stop going out it just all falls away.

The good, fun day out with DS used to outweigh the bad days, they'd be worth the recovery time afterwards but I've lost that now. There are no good days, I'm struggling to find any pleasure even in the simple things.

Hopefully they'll sort my meds out and things will improve for me.

Twilight7777 thankyou, I think that's the reply I needed. As much as I wouldn't wish this on another person, just to hear that there's someone out there somewhere who gets it has helped. I also have social anxiety due to years of pushing myself to be social when my disability was doing everything in its power to make it difficult for me. You reach a point where you just give up because there's no pleasure in pushing yourself anymore. The disability wins.

I totally understand.

I've had a chronic condition since I was 13, I am now 42. It fluctuates and I have had some times where I was able to go and have fun and not pay for it later quite as much.

My illness is very similar to long covid and people going on about how horrendous it is, clinics, research into helping people etc has made me so angry. No one gave a fuck until millions of people were suffering at the same time due to the pandemic, even though millions of people have my condition and have been suffering for much longer.

What makes me irrationally angry and jealous and mean is runners posting about their runs, and and everyone congratulating them about how amazing they are. There is even a running club at my workplace now and I am subjected to photos of them and their stats on a weekly basis via email and on giant TV displays we have in our offices. It makes me want to cry. I feel like a useless blob of nothing.

I know it's not rational but it still really hurts. Sending you hugs xx

Not at all unreasonable to feel bitter about your personal circumstances.
Unreasonable to be angry with others who are just getting on with their lives in their personal circumstances: it’s not their fault.

Can relate to your post, I get it. It's so hard

Techno56 thankyou. It does hurt doesn't it, its just so in your face. I actually think coming out of lockdown has really tipped the balance for me. Everyone has been so vocal about how terrible it was, so many posts about mental health support and how detrimental it's been to everyone. No ones ever shown me that kind of understanding in my whole life. I get Jack shit off the government. Now it's all over, those of us left behind have just been forgotten about again. I feel like screaming 'IM STILL HERE, YOUVE LEFT ME BEHIND!' but the world's too busy socialising to hear.

As I said before, I didn't used to be like this. I could take the rough with the smooth when there was some smooth along the way, I could be happy for friends achievements, I didn't mind living a life of limits because i did have good days thrown in a long the way. Now it's gone and its so hard to pick yourself back up.

What I really need is a break from it. Ideally a year or so to just recover and reset and get ready to start the fight again but it never even gives me a day. It's just a constant battle that I know I'll never win. Its exhausting.

I think it's natural to feel bitter at times when you are missing out on so much

moralcompass thank you

Lovinghannah thankyou.

MrsSkylerWhite I know people are telling me it's unreasonable to feel angry towards others but I actually think that any other human would eventually have those same feelings in these circumstances because I used to be a very kind, rational, happy person. So maybe being unreasonable is actually pretty damn reasonable in my situation. It changes you as person.

I have chronic photophobia. On sunny days I cannot go outside. However lovely and gracious I want to be, when people are raving on about the stunning sunshine and I am trapped in my own home I feel extremely bitter.

You say you don't qualify for outside help.

But have you looked to see if you qualify for pip? This could help pay for some help if you're not already receiving it?

And you don't sound horrid. It's natural to feel the way you do - especially when everyone has talked about how hard life has been whilst we were all limited without a second thought for those who live that life daily and any empathy about that "difficulty" is a daily reality for many.