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Original poster

My mum is lonely

23 replies

indecisivewoman81 · 12/09/2021 09:41

I was wondering if anyone knew how to help a parent become less lonely?

My DM is widowed and her pet has just died and now she is on her own all the time in quite a big empty house.

She has a volunteering job a few days a week but the rest of the time she has little to do and seems depressed.

It breaks my heart and I want her to lead a full and happy life but she just doesn't go out much and is too shy/frightened to try.

She does have a few friends but they are busy with their own lives and a lot of the time she doesn't want to bother them.

Have you any suggestions of things she could do to combat the loneliness?

Of course my sister and I see her often and she often has the grandchildren for a night or two but the day to day living is lonely and quiet.

And I want to help but not sure how too

OP posts:

mrswenthworth · 12/09/2021 09:44

Sympathy as my mum is in the same boat. I don't have any advice other than to continue to encourage her to join new activities. I make it clear to my mum that if something she wants to do which clashes with our family time she should do her thing because we are always here.

OnlySpam · 12/09/2021 09:48

Is another pet a possibility? An older rescue dog maybe or a cat.

Can you put a post up on your local Facebook community page? Ask what's on in your local area for older people and see what responses you get. Maybe post asking if any other ladies are out there in a similar boat

Could you speak to a church leader? They may have some ideas. Does she enjoy her volunteering? Could she do a few more hours?

Could you have her come to your house for a change of scene a little more often? Could she have the kids more regularly - maybe for shorter periods

I realise some of those ideas are not going to appeal but they're just off the top of my head

Mischance · 12/09/2021 09:49

I am widowed - and it is lonely of course. How can it be otherwise? It is the absence of that someone you could happily do nothing with.

People try hard to help, but there is a fundamental difference between being out and about meeting people and being out and about with your partner. It is hard to describe.

When I have visitors or visit others it has a whole different feel - I am either entertaining or being entertained - that is the only way I can describe it - and it feels very different from simply living.

I think that what I am saying is that however much your mum goes out, joins things, becomes a volunteer or whatever there will still be a black hole that no-one can fill. Nothing anyone ever does for her or she does for herself will fill it.

Babymamamama · 12/09/2021 09:49

Would she consider moving to some kind of retirement community. I speak from experience when I say a large house is often not ideal as people age so the time to move/downsize is before this becomes an issue. It might give her the opportunity to meet like minded people at same age and stage as her.

Original poster

indecisivewoman81 · 14/09/2021 18:07

Thank you everyone; some great suggestions for us to look into

OP posts:

PartyStory · 14/09/2021 18:12

Is she comfortable using the internet? Can she joins some forums (e.g. here)? Are there some cafes or a library or park nearby where she can spend some time around people on free days?

TheChosenTwo · 14/09/2021 18:14

Age concern was brilliant for my grandad when he was lonely and looking for company over the last 10 years. They did quizzes, social days out, games afternoons etc to keep the brains sharp and just to encourage everyone out to meet up. They cooked too and ate together if people wanted to join in.
It was a wonderful outlet for him but sadly the one nearby to him closed down just before Covid. He’s found it really hard since then.
Would your mum potentially enjoy something like that, he said it was a real mixture of people, I went along to collect him once as he’d won a raffle prize and it needed collecting - it was a bloody grandfather clock lots of age ranges from early retirement up to his age (mid 80’s), it was a fabulous centre they ran.

groundhogyear · 14/09/2021 18:23

@Mischance , sending you a hug. Very eloquently put, I totally get this.

Wilma55 · 14/09/2021 18:27

She could try gransnet!

MrsFin · 14/09/2021 18:41

Would she consider getting a lodger? Or a refugee, or a teenager in need of a home, or a young, single mum?
You said she had a big house.

MeredithMae · 14/09/2021 20:20

@Mischance I'm sorry for your loss. Your post really hit me, I know the difference between being with friends and being effortlessly with my partner. I would really struggle without them.

Hotbot272 · 14/09/2021 20:30

Definitely encourage her to get another pet. They are wonderful company, it's another heart beat in the home, someone to chat to, someone to welcome you when you return, to cuddle up on the sofa with. Maybe an older rescue cat? You can see their temperament and find one that enjoys a fuss.

CMOTDibbler · 14/09/2021 20:39

Would she consider fostering elderly dogs? The charity I foster for is always looking for people to foster older dogs - they pay for all the vets bills, food etc and its really rewarding. Plus its quite time consuming to get them well again, bring them on, and and so on.

Tabbypawpaw · 14/09/2021 20:44

My widowed MIL is on her own a lot of the time. She did a lot of groups which moved online during the pandemic - poetry, literature etc, film. I think a lot through university of the third age and another one called workers education? Could she do something like that and learn about something she’s interested in?

Walkingthedog46 · 14/09/2021 20:45

Mischance - you’ve got it in a nutshell!

Walkingthedog46 · 14/09/2021 20:47

CMOTDibbler - may I ask which charity this is? Thanks.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/09/2021 20:49

How old is she? If she’s fit and well, would immediately say another pet. So many in need of living homes snd with digs in particular it’s very much a two way thing.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/09/2021 20:49

Dogs

MistySkiesAfterRain · 14/09/2021 21:16

Pets are so good for mental health.
You have the unconditional love of an animal who is happy to spend time with you in return for food.

CMOTDibbler · 14/09/2021 21:43

@Walkingthedog46 I foster for EGLR. I just do puppies as they are short term, but other people choose to have older dogs or those that need more TLC, and some do long term foster. My neighbour fosters for Dogs Trust, and they get dogs who need TLC, some to recover after surgery

TheSpottedZebra · 14/09/2021 21:51

Yes to considering another pet!

And I second the University of the Third Age (U3A) suggestion. My mum has found it a lifeline after she was widowed. She's done so many new things (pottery! Croquet! ) but also it has widened her circle and found her some new friends, many of whom are in the same boat.

TwoBlondes · 14/09/2021 21:57

Cinnamon Trust?
Or Meetup or U3A

Leeds2 · 14/09/2021 22:02

I would suggest joining her local church if she is in any way a believer. I don't go, but my local one offers all sorts of groups and activities where parishioners can either be a leader of a particular group, or just take part. The advantage, I think, is that the service at least is at the weekend when people on their own can feel particularly lonely.
My local NextDoor often has people of various ages seeking to make friends, so might be worth a try. Also MeetUp, which I don't think is primarily about meeting future partners but about making friends.
Walking netball, if she is fit enough.
Women's Institute.
I don't know the name of it but there is a charity where you walk other people's dogs, maybe because their owner is ill or incapable.

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