Managing warring siblings esp twins

[mrswenthworth]

I have 12 year old same sex twins. No other kids

Their relationship is bumpy. They can be best friends and super close but also the total opposite. They fight far more than I did with my older brother or dh with his siblings.

How do people manage this? Dd2 is a bit more fragile and has struggled socially way more than dd1. She tends to lash out physically and a lot of this is directed at her sister. Obviously we work on this a lot with Dd2 and she is under no illusion this is acceptable but dd1 is upset that we allow it (we don't of course but Dd2 does it covertly)

Dd1 can be spiteful and nags Dd2 dreadfully (again she is obviously pulled up on this behaviour constantly). She pushes all her buttons and sometimes I frankly can't blame Dd2 for getting wound up. Dd2 has found a sport she is good at which had helped her behaviour massively but it does encroach on weekends a bit (fixtures) and Dd1 gets cross about this.

I am really upset by this - it feels toxic and I feel like I am letting one of them down all of the time. Dh just tends to get a bit cross with them both whereas I feel like a bit of a wet lettuce and a failure as well as pulled in too many directions (throw in very busy job, elderly parents and dh and I'm spread thin).

Then this morning Dd1 wakes up Dd2 for her match by cuddling her and stroking her hair. Dd2 goes to Dd1 to tell her first when her period started. They sleep over in each other's rooms all the time and go to each other with bad dreams.

Any suggestions? If you were a twin how did it work for you (we have other twins in the family and it seems to be a bit more intense but all of them have other siblings too so not quite the same).

Oh and to add, they are truly lovely kids with everyone else. This crappy behaviour is with each other only.

Not twins but I’ve been through similar. What worked for me was not letting their toxicity affect me and pouring positivity back- eventually they cheered up. If they fight- take the router/valued possession (I tended to be dramatic but funny) and they can have it back when they behave. After a while I just needed to count down to taking the router and they would calm down. Also, lots of different and separate clubs. If they went to the same one the louder would dominate. So, separate, keep busy and stay relentlessly cheerful.

Throughout their teenage years, my triplets acted as if they hated each other at times. Now they're adults, they have a lovely relationship. The two boys actually share a flat.

Thank you both - by nature I'm quite sunny and up beat so I'll continue down that vein.

@Mabelface that is lovely to hear. I hugely valued my sibling relationship and it upsets me to think they don't. Fingers crossed it will settle.

I am in exactly the same boat with my same sex 12 year old twins.
I know when the chips are down they have each others backs. But by Christ on a day to day basis I wish they were a bit nicer to each other.
We did split them up class wise when they went into year 7 last year to foster independence and different friendship groups. And to almost give them a rest from each other. (they share a room as I also have an older child too). I can't even really remember if it's done any good anymore.
Total sympathy from me.

I was the same with my twin sister - we were competitive, jealous, spiteful and nasty to each other. Now we're in our 60s and we only communicate via a newsy email a couple of times a year and haven't seen each other for nearly 6 years at a family funeral. We're totally different in outlook, ethics and behaviour and blood is not enough. I'd let them work through it as long as they're not actually harming each other - life isn't like the Waltons unfortunately.

I'm a same sex twin. Looking back we argued often but, like you describe, were best friends too. We would tease and wind each other up but make friends almost immediately after. I could be horrible to her but noone else could be. I'm sure we drove our Mum bonkers.

I think I was the more outgoing one, my Sister was marginally above me academically although we were in all the same classes throughout school.

We sort of drifted apart late teens/early 20s as in took different subjects at college, boyfriends, friends, jobs but mid 20s it all sort of fell back together again. She came home from working away.

Now (we're 40) we are best friends. As in actual 'soul mates' I think. I am so blessed to have her, it is a unique relationship. Twins - another half of you!
We have lovely husbands, my sister has a child, we are all best friends and it's just lovely.

We have a special type of communication too, nothing 'woo' but I can say one or two words and she gets it. I think it's just because we are so close and know each other inside out.

We lost our dear Dad last year and I don't know what I would have done without her love and support.

I'm pretty sure that your girls won't realise how lucky they are to have each other just now, one day they will and I hope they are as thankful and as blessed as I feel.

@poorbuthappy yeah, we've done the same. Early days but hopefully will help with space.

@Billandben444 I do get that and they are quite different kids. DH has a similar relationship with one of his sibling to yours and it's fine. I just don't want to make it worse by my parenting iyswim.