I want another baby but am terrified of giving birth again

[Thesandmanishere]

Just that really. My DS is nearly 6 and I am nearly 33. I really want another baby but my experience the first time with labour was so awful that I am just too frightened. I wasn't taken seriously at all - they didn't believe I was in "proper" Labour as I wasn't dilating but DS was stuck and it was agony - ended in an emergency section and both of us getting sepsis. Due to the size of the cut they had to make I was told I would need to have an elective c section for any future births.

I am honestly terrified. Terrified I would go into labour before the elective c section date, terrified of dying on the operating table or after, terrified I would feel the operation (I felt literally nothing at all the first time as I'd already had an epidural prior to the spinal - I didn't even realise they'd cut me open until they said "your baby's been born" - no tugging or anything as others describe).

Please can anyone give me positive stories. I've had counselling and a birth debrief and honestly it hasn't helped.

I had an elective c-section due to damage in first birth. My understanding is that if you go into labour then you will still get a c-section. Obviously it’s not unreasonable to be terrified, birth can be awful or to want another baby, but remember you are not Anne Boleyn - it’s okay to say, ‘this is too scary - I’m not going to have another’

I'm really desperate for a second baby and feel that my time is running out.

I had 2 complex deliveries.

With my first I had a traumatic vaginal birth and lots of intervention and stress, cut, stitches... Still haunts me now!

With my second it was an emergency c section. My waters had gone prematurely and they had to get the baby out asap. It was about 40 mins from them taking the decision to me being in theatre. Amazing.

So while it was an emergency, there was no birthing or mess before hand and everything was very controlled.

Of the 2 the c section was so calm and clean. They really know what they are doing. Highly preferable to a messy v birth in my opinion.

I know I can't say anything to diffuse the tangle in your mind about this but from your story it seems to me that you are attaching that birth trauma to the c section when that wasn't the worst of it at all.

With a planned c section you will skip out all the horrid exhausting part where the risk for you lies.

Perhaps accept your mind is playing silly games on you and come to a place where life has to go on anyway. Make that baby!

I had a similar first birth to you, really painful contractions which lasted hours but no dilation, the midwives just laughed at me for having a low pain threshold and wanted me to stay at home but the baby was stuck and became distressed. I’m sure it would have been a still birth if I’d followed their advice. It took 7 years to have the next. That birth wasn’t nearly as bad despite needing ventouse. The third birth had to be a csection again and my uterus tore. Fourth baby should have been a csection but labour came on too fast for it, however it was ok because no one treated me like they did the first time. Once you’ve had one baby and it was a difficult birth they don’t dismiss you so much.

Thank you. I think I am just really frightened of going into labour again or feeling something something the section. And dying. That terrifies me.

@Thesandmanishere

Thank you. I think I am just really frightened of going into labour again or feeling something something the section. And dying. That terrifies me.

My recollection from my emergency section is that they use a cold spray to check if you can feel anything before they start the procedure. Can you talk to anyone from the hospital to understand how the procedure would work, stats for c section deaths in their trust etc? Some information / data might help put your mind at rest.

C section, planed, calm you can ask about going into labour early..

Get some help in talking through your birth experience understanding it an really aid acceptance

Sounds like you have unresolved birth trauma and that this is creating such a state of fear that you have put off having another child because of the need to give birth - one way or another.

It would be such a shame to allow this to prevent you having the child you long for, when there is effective treatment for anxiety and trauma.

Have you considered therapy? You could be feeling very differently about things in a few weeks or months of seeing a good therapist.

At 33, your clock still has quite a while to tick yet, you have time to have therapy and then move forward. The difference could be life-changing and life-enhancing.

I have had two elective c-sections and they are honestly so calm, they check and double check that you can't feel anything and everyone is very calm and helpful.

Also at 33 you still have plenty of time.

I went in to labour before my elcs (first labour was an emcs) and I changed my mind and had a VBAC but everyone asked if I was sure about the VBAC. When they had asked me (midwife, senior midwife, doctor, another doctor) they then all asked DP. I think the assumption is it will be a cs.

Adopt.

I definitely couldn't adopt, I don't have it in me to give an adopted child the dedication they would need and deserve.

Have you considered therapy? You could be feeling very differently about things in a few weeks or months of seeing a good therapist.

I've had months of therapy with a counseller specialising in birth trauma and it's just not really helped at all

I’m so sorry to hear that.

I would say, though, that counselling is absolutely the wrong modality for trauma. You absolutely do not want to be endlessly talking over and over what happened, as that can re-traumatise. What’s needed is a treatment specific for trauma such as EMDR or hypnotherapy with a well-qualified therapist who uses the rewind technique.

These techniques facilitate you in reprocessing what happened, so that the memories lose their emotional charge. Counselling and talk therapy don’t do this in the same way.

My first birth was absolutely awful. She was late so I had to be induced which meant staying in hospital alone (and moving wards 4 times. God knows why). The next morning I asked if they’d contact my husband as I was having such bad pains (mobile phones were around at this point but not many people had them) but they said it would be hours yet, and I needed to toughen up. She was born a few minutes later and I tore really really badly. Due to the swelling, and the midwife being desperate to finish her shift, I was badly stitched, and had to be reopened and restitched. I was in a lot of pain for a few months and it was a year before I had sex again.

I knew I wanted another baby, but I was scared. Eventually I got pregnant and gave birth exactly two and a half years after my first baby. It was a completely different experience. Again I was overdue, (20 days) but this time they were aware I’m sensitive to whatever the induction drug is called. They let my husband stay with me and she was born in 30 minutes while I was much more relaxed, so much so I can remember watching some starlings outside the window. I didn’t need stitches and I was really well. It really was completely different.

To be honest, where I lived was in the border of two areas and so I chose a different hospital the second time. I doubt it made a difference but I can’t know for sure.