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Should I ask this man to come to the theatre with me?

14 replies

DayDate · 10/09/2021 13:59

I'm fairly newly widowed and on a mission to keep myself occupied and not dwell too much. I'm also making a point of doing some of the things I couldn't do because of lockdown and DH's illness.

One of them is a play I'd like to see and I was about to book one ticket and go on my own. I do have friends, but it's hard to ask them to these things without their partners and on the spur of the moment. It's the kind of things that I'd have either mentioned and booked straight away or just booked and told DH I'd done it that I'm struggling for company with.

Anyway, I'd decided to go on my own and enter a brave new world .

Just as I was browsing the site, a friend called me about a mutual friend she was worried about. She hadn't been able to contact him for a while, did I
have a phone number? I do, but I don't pass people's numbers on without permission so I called him.

Long story but he's fine. However, when I put the phone down it occured to me that he might like the show.

  • He's long divorced and single for as long as I've known him (10 years +)
  • He's nice enough but not someone I'd really go out of my way to spend time with. When I say friend I mean acquaintance really. I've barely seen or spoken to him since before lockdown. Previously we'd often be at the same events and chat then, but never met up deliberately.
  • I don't want him or anyone else to get the "wrong idea". DH hasn't been dead long.
  • I know he is lonely and I probably have been a rubbish friend when I could have done better. Now it's convenient for me I want his company...
  • I know he's not flush for cash and this is a London theatre ticket

It wouldn't have occurred to me if friend hadn't called and asked me to contact him, just as I was thinking about booing a ticket, so it feels like a bit if an omen. On the other hand, just downright weird?

I'm having a bit of a sod it "you only live once" phase, but....?

OP posts:
Mariell · 10/09/2021 14:04

I would call back as he has known you were widowed and hasn’t ‘bothered’ you so would understand that it’s a friendship invite.
A lot of people don’t like doing things in their own but don’t want the bother of dating so I would phone and sound him out.

Edmontine · 10/09/2021 14:13

He probably will get ‘the wrong idea’, simply because of your circumstances, but really, if you want company for the theatre there’s no reason why you shouldn’t invite him.

What’s the worst that could happen?

👹

campion · 10/09/2021 14:18

Definitely ask him. He can say no if he doesn't want to.

You're right, you do only live once and this does sound like it would benefit both of you.

FinallyHere · 10/09/2021 14:59

I would have no qualms about asking him, if I really wanted to spend the evening with him.

If you really do, by all means invite him.

Will he provide good, enjoyable, undemanding company? Will he want to decide things, drinks, where you park etc? Will he complain if things are not to his liking?

Do you really want his company?

It doesn't sound as if you are asking for any reason other than to have someone with you. How would you feel about going on your own?

An evening to please only yourself. No strings etc. No danger of anyone else to please but yourself. Bite the bullet and enjoy the freedom of your own company.

Don't put your desires above those of any acquaintance, just because they may be lonely or hand over control of your evening to someone you don't know very well

Interesting things have been known to happen when I am by myself. I entirely recommend it.

coodawoodashooda · 10/09/2021 15:01

It doesn't sound like you enjoy his company. Why do you want him to come with you?

Edmontine · 10/09/2021 15:13

Hmm …

On the one hand Will he provide good, enjoyable, undemanding company? Will he want to decide things, drinks, where you park etc? Will he complain if things are not to his liking?
Do you really want his company? seems a bit overwrought for 3 or 4 hours max of shared time. (If dinner as well.)

On the other, I hadn’t fully considered the OP’s reluctance to go alone. It’s understandable, I’m sure - but as a seasoned sole theatre attender I can attest that it’s very relaxing. (And of course in normal times there often is someone ready and willing to strike up a conversation during the interval.) So - I probably wouldn’t invite someone I didn’t adore, unless prompted by kindness or pity …

DayDate · 10/09/2021 16:01

I don't "not" want to spend time with him, I just wouldn't choose to in my former life when I could go with DH.

He won't try and take over arrangements. If anything he's a bit too deferential and keen to please.

OP posts:
Mariell · 10/09/2021 16:11

My husband is away a lot at the moment so I do a lot in my own and always have done from a young age.

However I do understand that not everyone feels comfortable sitting in restaurant or going to a show or visiting an attraction such a statelet home etc.

I remember it was commonplace for people to have platonic companions so it doesn’t seem strange to me to go with someone of the opposite sex to something you would prefer not to go to on your own.

As long as you set clear boundaries and both have the same expectations from each other’s there is no reason why you can’t pair up and do things together occasionally or regularly.

DayDate · 10/09/2021 16:13

I was all ready to go on my own, I went to a comedy performance on my own last weekend. It just occured to me that he might be a good companion sometimes.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 10/09/2021 16:31

Now I see. Yes. Id ask him.

HollowTalk · 10/09/2021 16:43

Have you looked on meet up? There are groups are for people who are widowed and want company for activities. You could start a group yourself? If you particularly like going to the theatre then it would be a good idea to start a group for other people who don't have anyone to go with.

Singinginshower · 10/09/2021 20:38

For another time OP, I wouldn't rule out asking your married friends. There are often things I like to see that my DH has no interest in.

DayDate · 10/09/2021 20:51

@Singinginshower

For another time OP, I wouldn't rule out asking your married friends. There are often things I like to see that my DH has no interest in.
I do, but it seems to take a lot more organising. You can't have one conversation "I fancy xyz next Saturday what about you?". They always have to "let you know".
OP posts:
Whatliesbeneath707 · 10/09/2021 21:01

@DayDate, I think you’ve answered your own question in your original post! ☺️
My thoughts are:
Life is too short (as you know) - invite him
Being lonely (you & him) is no fun - invite him
Be a good friend, even if you don’t enjoy his company, it’s only one evening- invite him
Are you really bothered about what other people think? You’re inviting him to the theatre, it’s perfectly respectable - invite him
What if you both enjoy each other’s company? Life is for living OP. We are alive in a pandemic- invite him

Let us know what you decide & how you get on.

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