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Can you have the “one who got away” whilst also being happily married?

15 replies

GinnyGeorgia · 10/09/2021 13:52

Name change for this for obvious reasons!

So around 10 years ago, I met a guy at a colleague’s birthday party. We clicked right away, in a way I’ve never clicked with anyone before and since, and had one of those sit in the corner of the bar all evening chatting away moments.

We exchanged numbers, went out a few times and then I acted poorly. I ghosted him. I was 24 so dealt with situations by ignoring them. My issue was twofold - firstly, I had split up with my nasty horrible ex a couple of years beforehand and had been single since, and wasn’t ready to get seriously involved with someone else just yet, and I could see myself falling for this guy, so I pushed him away. The second reason is actually a bit more odd - his brother asked me out on a date around 6 months beforehand, and we nearly did go out, but I had some stuff on at the time which meant it never happened, but things became awkward between me and him (I didn’t know they were brothers until he added me on Facebook as they look nothing alike - I worked in the same organisation as his brother (I used to work for a Christian church and charity, where people from that church background would often work for them too, hence all these connections)). I was too embarrassed to tell him his brother had already asked me out or to tell his brother that I was dating his brother (if that makes sense) when he was really upset we never went out in the end. So I ghosted him.

He tried to stay in touch with me for around 6 months or so, and I would occasionally respond, but in the end, he gave up. However, we developed a text friendship (no flirting at all) which we have to this day, although we both message much less now than we did in the first couple of years. I haven’t seen him since, although he did invite me to his wedding, which I would have gone to, if I wasn’t worried about explaining to his brother how I know the groom!

So to me, this guy is the one who got away. Like I said I’ve never clicked with anyone like I did with him and I did used to wonder what if.

Since then, I have met my husband, who I married (obviously!) and we have a baby. They are my world and my everything and I wouldn’t change my life at all in anyway. I love my husband and am loyal and there are no doubts there, but I still see that guy as the one who got away.

We stay in touch, send each other birthday messages and a few other messages now and then - the last time was to exchange baby photos. He is very much in the category of a dear friend now, but he does hold a special spot deep down.

I have no idea if he feels the same way about me and I don’t want to know because I don’t want to ruin the friendship we have, although he did very randomly suggesting meeting the week before his wedding, when we hadn’t seen each other in a few years. Admittedly, I wondered if he would be declaring his love for me (I was around 28 by then), so I didn’t meet him because I knew he was getting married and I had also started dating my husband around 6 months beforehand.

OP posts:
Mariell · 10/09/2021 14:16

He’s not a dear friend if you have never seen him since ten years ago.

It sounds like you have both hung on to this meeting as being something that may have been and hold each other up as being a fantasy partner.

Personally I would relinquish the contact.

Maflingo · 10/09/2021 14:20

You are giving this far too much headspace and emotional energy. Cut any remaining ties, block, delete, whatever; and move on , focus on your husband and baby Flowers

Jerseygirl12 · 10/09/2021 14:32

I think you should block and delete. I think every bit of energy you put into this person is energy taken away from your marriage.

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ifidosaysomyself · 10/09/2021 14:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

wouldntmindbeingmrsw · 10/09/2021 14:43

Does your husband know you message each other?
Or is he a secret?

RandomWordGenerator · 10/09/2021 14:45

Step away.

Mariell · 10/09/2021 14:46

If this was in reverse wouldn’t you feel devastated that you are second best and that your husband has thoughts in his head about this ‘perfect’ woman?

It’s like you and the guy you text have a smug little secret between you.

LaBellina · 10/09/2021 14:48

I also have an ex that felt like ‘the one that got away’. Until I got to know him better and better because we kept in touch as friends and I realized he’s actually not a nice person at all. And once again it was proven that sometimes, rejection is God’s protection.

EmmalineC · 10/09/2021 14:54

I wonder if you are as happily married as you say you are. There must be a reason why you are still harking back to a brief relationship a decade ago.

Notapheasantplucker · 10/09/2021 14:55

So your question

Can you have the “one who got away” whilst also being happily married?^

No one can dictate how you feel. But, like a pp has said, how would you feel if it was the other way around and your husband had a woman who he felt like that about? You'd probably feel second best and wonder why she's better than you.

RuthTopp · 10/09/2021 15:01

You have put him in romantic fantasy mode . He could be a goblin with the personality of a gnat , but in your head he has turned into Mr. Perfect.
Remember back then , there was a reason why you didn't go for it ( brother situation aside ) at the end of the day of he was ' the one ' he would have been it 10 years ago as well.
Block his number and disassociate.

GinnyGeorgia · 10/09/2021 15:05

You know what, you’re all right and bang on. I’m having a moment and need to snap myself out of it! Thank you for the reality check!

DH knows we message but not that we went out.

OP posts:
x2boys · 10/09/2021 15:09

I think you have made him into the perfect man in your head, in reality if you had got together properly you would have found out his faults and him yours etc
There are a couple of men from my past that i could have got together with but didnt for whatever reason, but clearly it wasnt meant to i think you need to concentrate on what you have.

Mariell · 10/09/2021 15:09

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having fond memories or imagining scenarios in your head about how things may have turned out for you if you had married him instead of your husband.

However when it’s more than daydreams and there is contact them it becomes a little unsavoury.

NoNoThankYou · 10/09/2021 16:28

Every time I see something like this, every time, I think of this poem and I smile (because it's so very true!):

Two Cures for Love
Wendy Cope

  1. Don’t see him. Don’t phone or write a letter.
  2. The easy way: get to know him better.

You've become each other's fantasy "what if?" person onto whom you can project all sorts of wonderful notions and no messy or boring or irritating reality.

Recognise it for what it is and act accordingly (in one of Wendy Cope's two ways!)

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