How to stop being treated like a pushover

[CarryOnNurse20]

I have a long history of always being the one to compromise (usually to my detriment).

Examples include where we go on holiday with family (we always end up driving furthest so it’s more convenient to other family members despite having more children and both working Long hours). When meeting friends I always seem to be having to fit in with the routine of their children despite having 2 young kids one of whom is a toddler so gets overtired and wild if nap is missed/late. I make plans ‘can we meet at 10 so I can be back for 12 for DS nap’ and they will just message at 10 saying ‘sorry x is asleep I’ll be round when they wake up’. Inevitably they come round 45 minutes later disrupting our whole routine.

This weekend we are away with the women in my family. Big 6 bed house so we all get a room. When I was unpacking i overhead a conversation between my mum snd aunt- apparently there is one less bedroom than expected ‘well Nurse sister won’t be happy with sharing- im sure Nurse won’t mind going on the pull out and sharing with cousin x’.

Ffs. I wanted a lovely weekend without kids, a good sleep and now im on some crap bed in a shared room. Because I’m nice and try to be accommodating I’m now taken for a mug.

I’ve woken this morning and decided enough is enough. I can’t do the ‘no is a whole sentence’ thing as I’ll feel so uncomfortable but how do I change perception and start standing up for myself. I feel I compromise constantly and it’s not fair.

I used to be exactly the same. I think it was out of worry of not being liked but you are more respected if you have boundaries. You don't even have to say no to something right away. If someone asks a favour, just say can I check and get back to you. It then gives you time to think about it, maybe suggest another option or say no. No doesn't have to be aggressive, you can be polite about it. I really feel for you though as it's hard! Most people aren't offended if you say no and the people who are aren't worth worrying about.

You have to be prepared to be “the bad guy”, basically. And own it. So - take your example of the message saying ‘sorry x is asleep I’ll be round when they wake up’. Your reply needs to be either “fine, but DS still needs to be in bed at 12, so it’s a short one” or “sorry, need to reschedule”. The consequence of that may be that you don’t see your friends, but you’ve made an equivalent condition, if you see what I mean.

When they asked you to share on the pull-out - knowing the conversation was coming because you’d overheard- what did you say?

Why do you feel you’re less important than others?

In order to be more assertive you have to believe you are deserving of better treatment.

This can be easier when you see the effect on someone else. So in the example of your toddler and nap time, when you see that not asserting boundaries for their needs is detrimental to them (they are overtired and upset) then that gives you a great reason to say No.

“We’ll be round later.”
“You’ll need to be here by X, then, as I’m putting DC down for a nap at 12.”

Ideally, you’ll make it clear in the original planning.
“Come over at 10 so we have time to talk before DC’s nap - I need to settle him at 12, so only have 10-11.30 as a window and will have to Chuck you out after that! DC so cranky if nap time isn’t on time.”

And don’t be afraid of saying something isn’t OK for you. They weren’t afraid to ask/state their needs/impose their conditions. So why should they find it weird or upsetting that you do?

Reading between the lines of your OP, you have a family dynamic where your sister is difficult/demanding and you are the appeaser/easygoing one. It’s hard to change habits ingrained into us. But you can do it.

@NoSquirrels that’s definitely true with my sister. I’m one of two middle children so I think my whole childhood was compromise and decisions based on either needs to eldest or youngest with the middle kids expected to fall into line. That seems to have seeped into all my friendships too.

What you’re describing isn’t compromise though is it? Other people are putting their needs first and you’re going along with that, ignoring what you yourself want or need. They’re so used to you being agreeable that now it’s just assumed you won’t mind. In the conversation you overheard between your mum and aunt did either of them consider sharing?

You need to start being assertive. When others change plans or make requests that don’t suit you, say so. You can be as nice or as blunt about it as you like but if you don’t open your mouth they’ll assume you’re ok with it (and of course it suits them to assume that). If you make yourself a doormat people will wipe their feet on you!

Being aware is the first step to change. I’ve just realised what a people pleaser I am, and started reading up (just stuff on google).
Maybe you’d be better booking into a cheap hotel nearby, total bliss and your own space. You deserve it.

The only way you stop being treated like a pushover is to stop acting like one. If you don't want to do something either don't do it (eg say to your friend "sorry, 10:45 doesn't work for us, maybe another time") or if it's something that has to happen then make a compromise (eg with the bedrooms "that's not fair! Let's draw lots for which two get the master" or "that's not fair! Let's take it in turns to share the master bedroom").