I’m in a weird situation.
I had a stepdad for about twenty years, from childhood. He was a very emotionally damaged man who had an alcohol dependency. He and my mum are no longer together but he was a very important person for me growing up.
The source of his issues were that he was adopted by an emotionally cold couple, the father being physically abusive as well. He was very open about his desire to know more about his biological parents and perhaps to forge a relationship- this was a huge deal for him and he put off doing it for some years because he was so nervous about it.
Eventually he did go back to where he was born and traced his mother, who had died. He was very upset to find that she had had other children both before and after him, none of whom had been given up for adoption, and this triggered a breakdown in him which led to very severe alcohol abuse and his split from my mum. He was never able to trace his father as his birth mother had refused to name the man or to say anything about him, and this was another factor in his distress as he felt that he would never be able to find out who his biological father was.
Completely accidentally, and some years later, I now have a very good idea of who his father was. Theres such a strong physical resemblance that when I first saw a picture of this man, I thought it was my stepdad. The dates fit and he was in the right place at the right time. Unfortunately, the man was a fairly high profile criminal in the local area, a loan shark, involved with drugs, and very violent. (Which may well be why the birth mother did not want to name him.)
I’m now torn. I know that my stepdad, more than anything else, deeply wanted to know who his biological father was, he always felt that there was a piece missing by not knowing, and he is extremely unlikely to find out how I did (it was a bit of a crazy coincidence). Obviously I can’t say with certainty that this man was his father, but there’s enough evidence there for him to find out for sure if he wanted to. As a general rule I would tell someone the truth and let them deal with it as they need to.
However, the fact that the potential father was such an awful person makes me think that I shouldn’t try to tell my stepdad what I’ve found. I’m worried that it might impact his mental health severely if he finds out that his father was a loan shark, involved with drugs and famously violent.
Also, I’m not in touch with my stepdad as he left my mum under difficult circumstances. I would have to find him to tell him, and while I would do that if I felt it was right, I couldn’t stick around to support him through assimilating that knowledge - and, unless things have changed out of all recognition, he will not have the support of anyone else to help him.
What would you do? Sorry about the essay.