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Original poster

Kids can be cruel

57 replies

confusedofengland · 09/09/2021 16:58

DS1 is 12 & in Year 8 at a state international secondary school. He takes packed lunches to school as when I put £10 (minimum top-up amount) on his dinner money account, he spends £6-7 in one day on pizza, hot dog, flavoured water etc. We cannot sustain that level of spending & I also think it's unhealthy.

His packed lunch usually consists of: sandwiches (hm in foil), salad in a Tupperware, apple/banana, cheese in a Tupperware, Aldi crisps & Aldi choc biscuit or couple from the biscuit tin in foil if I've run out of wrapped biscuits. He always eats it all. He is slim & very active, so I'm not worried about the amount of food.

He came home from school today saying that 3 kids on his lunch table were laughing at him for having non-branded crisps & anything at all.

I feel awful for him. We could stretch to branded items but it would be a stretch & also mean going to a different shop. I tend to get everything at Aldi because it is quicker & cheaper too.

What should I do? He said he likes the food but doesn't like being laughed at. His 2 younger brothers take similar lunches, but smaller & I take packed lunch to work once a fortnight, so need to buy lots of packed lunch items.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 09/09/2021 18:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Strangevipers · 09/09/2021 18:39

@Ionlydomassiveones

In my dd’s leafy school it was all the wealthy tight-arses that had the Aldi shit and Billy Bear ham sandwiches on cheap-shit white bread. So it’s not that specifically. Kids will pick on what marks the in-group and out-group.

Secondary schools are a nuanced, dynamic eco system. Ask your son what he thinks the solution is and take it seriously.

Billy bear ham, absolute blast from the past
TheRebelle · 09/09/2021 18:40

@FatJan

There are two main ways to stop this. The first is something you can do. The other is up to your son:
  1. Buy 'named brand' crisps etc.

Pros - high school is hard enough. Makes things that bit easier on your son, draws less attention to him.
Cons - impact to finances (assess this yourself), bullies may find something else (note not necessarily 'will'), may feel like giving in

  1. Son is considered too cool to make fun of, people want to be his friend rather than diss him. Any jibes about his lunch would be in jest.

Pros: speak for themselves
Cons: depends on your son developing certain character traits that most kids don't have. Not much you can do here. He'd need to be genuinely unconcerned about what people have to say about his lunch, and he'd need a good sense of humour, lighting wit, a mature view of the world, thick skin and general air of confidence.

These things tend to increase over time, which is why you have people in this thread saying stupid things like 'just tell him to tell them crisps are crisps!' who have entirely forgotten what it is like to be a child without the confidence life experience brings.

I'm not one for 'they learn through pain'. Give him named brand crisps. He's not going to learn self confidence through being bullied, this is an incorrect view.

I agree with this, I was the kid that was always picked on and my parents were always telling me to get a thicker skin and saying it doesn’t matter what other people think but actually when you’re a teenager all you want to do is fit in, you can’t magically be less sensitive, it’s much easier to just have the “right” snack and fit in.

It’s true that kids will find other things to pick on him for but they’ll do that anyway, so instead of picking on him for one thing it will be three or four, if you can take one of those things away and give him a little bit of confidence then why not?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SoManyPaws · 09/09/2021 18:46

I’d buy the branded stuff. Of course you shouldn’t have to but if it makes his life easier, that’s what I’d do. Little shits though.

jillandhersprite · 09/09/2021 18:49

To be fair that particular taunt has worked. Does he really think they will suddenly be nice because he now has walkers crisps. Chances are the taunts will continue because they will be seen to have 'won' and caused a reaction - it's just that they will look for the next thing to 'other' him.
No easy answers, cultivate his confidence about what makes a good friend, offer opportunities for the boys he likes to spend time out of school with him, help him find a tribe of people that may not be the 'cool rich kids gang' but can find their own confidence to ignore and not care about the bullies.
At that age you will need to keep a close eye if there is any escalation of the bullying and needs to be escalated to the school...

googdoo · 09/09/2021 18:49

I would buy the branded stuff. I know that posters are right about resilience but I couldn't honestly bear the thought of my DC going into school and being bullied for not having branded crisps- kids are so bloody awful sometimes. It makes me mad!! I have left myself a bit short this year buying branded stuff for DC. I shouldn't have to but just want them to be the same as everyone else. It's not easy being a mum Daffodil

SquirryTheSquirrel · 09/09/2021 18:51

Does he really think they will suddenly be nice because he now has walkers crisps. Chances are the taunts will continue because they will be seen to have 'won' and caused a reaction

I'd go a few days with no crisps at all to let it blow over, before switching brands if you choose to go down that route.

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2021 18:54

I'd try to persuade him to rise above it.

But then again in the first place I'd be making sure he spent his dinner money properly!

I used to top my DC's account up weekly and they had a daily amount they knew they weren't allowed to go over.

Seesawmummadaw · 09/09/2021 18:55

If it’s not his crisps it will be his hair, his bag, his mum, his voice etc. Speaking from experience!

CuckoosStagNight · 09/09/2021 18:55

At that age, all these “clever” comebacks won’t throw them off. They’ll just laugh at him like a group of hyenas for even trying to say something back (“hahaha did you hear what he said hahahah”) and he will still feel shit.

Swap the crisps.

scully29 · 09/09/2021 18:55

Yes just do no crisps/chocolate bar then theres no issue?

TimetohittheroadJack · 09/09/2021 18:56

Farmfoods, B&M, Home bargains all have branded crisps at 6 packs for £1. The Aldi ones are like 63p fir 6, I'd just buy the branded ones.

I can remember being at school at not wanting to take. Multi pack can of coke as it said 'multipack' on it, while all the 'cool kids' bought a single can at the shop in the way to school. It seems bloody ridiculous to me know, but at the time was important!

KidneyBeans · 09/09/2021 19:03

Honestly @confusedofengland much as I agree with the principle of him standing his ground, I was that kid at school and it was shit. Looking back I had social anxiety (though it wasn't a thing then)

It took me til my late 30s to feel comfortable shopping at budget shops like Aldi or Lidl because of the teasing I got at school. My dad drove a Skoda for a while (one of the old uncool ones) and I walked 3 miles to school and at her than have him drop me off because kids from school saw one day and teased me.

I still have social anxiety but I also have adult coping strategies and much more self confidence now. Your DS will develop that too but it could take years, this isn't the battle I'd choose to fight. Get him branded stuff here and there. It probably doesn't need to be walkers crisps, but Poundland B&m etc are pretty cheap for brands

Also you sound lovely Thanks

GameSetMatch · 09/09/2021 19:16

I’d buy him the branded crisps, he’s 12 it’s hard enough trying to fit in spend the extra 20p or so. Aldi have snack a jacks etc for £1 per 6pack it’s not much more than Aldi’s 85p crisps and it’ll make him feel better.

You can tell him to stick up for himself but at 12 would you be confident enough to do that? I know I wouldn’t.

DemBonesDemBones · 09/09/2021 19:16

I got brilliant lunchboxes from Sistema for mine this year with loads of different compartments. No need for all the foil, you can empty the bag of crisps into a compartment and no one will know if they're from Walkers, Waitrose or Aldi Smile

TerraNovaTwo · 09/09/2021 19:19

Who made those kids the authority on what's cool and not cool, and branded vs non branded crisps? 😂😂😂

Sneakycrab · 09/09/2021 19:25

As much as you want to them to rise above it, lots of kids are horrible and a lot of children that age just want to keep their head down and fit in.

I'd buy the branded crisps and talk to them a lot about how in a few years none of this crap will matter and the ones doing the 'brand' bullying are often ones who are so insecure and unhappy in themselves (even if they appear confident) they'll do and say anything to make themselves feel better than others.

LoveFall · 09/09/2021 19:36

This is just so typical of that age. With DS1 it was red versus orange tabs on your Levis. What a fuss that was. Same jeans, a lot less expensive and with a little orange tab thingy instead of a red one.

FinallyHere · 09/09/2021 19:40

@CovidPassQuestion

This, absolutely this. It's not about the crisis, they are just wanting a reaction and he is producing that reaction.

Could you do a bit of role play on how he could reply.

Shrug shoulders ?

Say Roll eye emoji.

Hope you find what works. Adapting your behaviour to what they say is just going to make it all so.much.worse.

Clocktopus · 09/09/2021 19:47

I got brilliant lunchboxes from Sistema for mine this year with loads of different compartments. No need for all the foil, you can empty the bag of crisps into a compartment and no one will know if they're from Walkers, Waitrose or Aldi

Yes, we have these and they're ace! OP, Google sistema bento box. Everything goes inside it's own compartment within the box so no need for any packaging at all.

It's all well and good encouraging him to reply back with funny/smart phrases and to not let it bother him but in the meantime, he's 12, and not every 12yo has the confidence to brush off unkind comments. I know my 12yo would struggle with this, he's not bothered about developing a thicker skin or witty comebacks, he just wants to fit in. Encourage him to not let it get to him but in the meantime just don't send the packaging.

Original poster
confusedofengland · 09/09/2021 20:06

DS1 has always been his own person & I think this is why he has never really fitted in completely. He does have friends- one bestie at home, from Juniors & a couple of mates on his football squad. At school he is part of a group of 4, I think they genuinely regard him as a friend as 2 of them had birthday parties over the summer consisting of just the 4 of them (go-karts & paintball).

Unfortunately, the 4th member, who did not have a party in the summer (nor did DS, birthday in December) has a tendency to say mean things to DS. We can't work out if he means it or his humour is just a bit off. If it matters, all of the group bar DS are non-native English speakers (Hungarian, Spanish & Brazilian), so it could be a language thing? Regardless, I cannot bring myself to carry on doing something that may cause him hurt or embarrassment. That may make me a mug, but I just can't do that to my boy. I hope I've made the right decision. He will always be an individual rather than a follower, like me I don't think he knows how to be a cool kid. But hopefully this helps just a little bit.

OP posts:
DocAutumn · 09/09/2021 20:16

I would stick with 'I like these ones'. No need to react. They want a reaction. Not much can be said to 'I like these ones.'

noirdreams · 09/09/2021 20:22

I remember in my teen years it was a crime to be caught in Netto. Or your mum being seen in netto.

Well I got caught in Netto with my mum.

On the AstroTurf the next day, said kid who spotted me started taunting me, I literally just turned around and said "yeah so what, everyone's mum probably shops in Netto it's just a shop! " I said it quite ballsy.

Guess what? Netto suddenly stopped being laughed at, completely forgot about for the next remaining years.

I was so proud of myself haha

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 09/09/2021 20:26

With a face like yours haven’t you got better things to worry about than what crisps I’m eating?

SoManyPaws · 09/09/2021 20:38

In the nicest possible way, these ‘comebacks’ are unlikely to work. Some kids are just vile and will just laugh more.

I think you’ve made the right decision OP. Your son sounds lovely and he’ll find his way, but for now, doing what you can to minimise any piss taking is the right thing to do in my opinion.