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Original poster

Please advise - 3 year old DD absolutely despises school nursery and it’s breaking my heart :(

17 replies

Whosthecrazy · 08/09/2021 19:23

DD started a school nursery yesterday. She is going 5 days a week 8:40-3:15. The nursery don’t do settling in sessions for the kids so I left her there yesterday and she seemed pretty happy. Had a call off her teacher at lunch time to say she was having a great day and was eating her lunch happily at the lunch table. When I picked her up at 3:15 she was absolutely inconsolable and was having a borderline panic attack, she couldn’t catch her breath and was gagging the whole lot. A different teacher told me she had been like that on and off all day I couldn’t even get her to ride her bike/ walk home so I had to walk home in the baking heat carrying her and all her stuff as well as her 20kg bike (I’m also 10 weeks pregnant with awful morning sickness 🤢)

Last night she was adamant she wasn’t going today. Same story this morning. She screamed and cried while I got her dressed but eventually we made it there. Her teacher allowed me in with her for 20 minutes but she was hysterical the entire time because she didn’t want me to go. I ended up picking her up once the morning session had finished and she had been the same as yesterday all day - absolutely inconsolable (thankfully I brought the car this time!).

She’s now been randomly saying to me “mama I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, please can I stay at home” all evening. She just said it to me again and burst into tears. So she’s obviously worrying about it 😞 that absolutely kills me.

Is this normal? Will this Pass? I just feel like the lack of settling in sessions is what’s causing this. We’ve already paid upfront for the term but tbh i will gladly let that money go to save her this angst. She attended nursery from 1-2 and was fine there (loved it even) but stopped after lockdown and has been home between me and DH up until now.

God! This is breaking my heart.

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 08/09/2021 19:25

Could she just do mornings for a while? I think some upset when they start is fairly normal. Mine are 18 and 9 now but I think they went through similar things! How confident are you about the setting in general? Do they seem caring etc?

Tickledtrout · 08/09/2021 19:30

Too much too soon.
Shorter sessions, stay and play. And can DH drop her and pick up? Some children find separation from mum especially hard and pick up on your unease.

idril · 08/09/2021 19:35

Does she have to go all day? It's a long time at that age in a school nursury.

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User5827372728 · 08/09/2021 19:39

From nothing to 6.5 hours is a lot!

My almost 5 year old is doing 2 hours a day for 2 weeks settling into reception (school policy).

I would drop at 9 and pick up at 11 for a week and see

Original poster

Whosthecrazy · 08/09/2021 19:41

That was my idea - to just do mornings for a few weeks to ease her in. But it still seems like a lot for a toddler to be totally ok with being separated from their mum with people they never met prior to the day. They didn’t have any open days or anything so apart from a YouTube video, yesterday was the first time she had seen these people. There are also a lot of children there and DD has always found busy/loud environments upsetting (covers her ears and cries, sometimes tries to hide). Because it’s so busy I don’t get a chance to speak to the teachers but they seem lovely, maybe a tad stern if I was being overly critical but it’s just such a huge difference from the nursery she attended before. That was however a private nursery so I know it’s totally different!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whosthecrazy · 08/09/2021 19:42

What I mean by stern is they call the teachers by ‘miss name’ and not by their first name or anything which seems a bit much for 3 year olds!? I don’t know if I’m being overly precious though!

OP posts:

Susannahmoody · 08/09/2021 19:42

Early days yet

But it does seem a bit much Tbh

MatildaIThink · 08/09/2021 19:43

Unfortunately this is a side effect of the lockdowns, if she stopped nursery at two and now at three is going to school nursery then she will have no real memory of that earlier time, she has spent the last year pretty much with you non-stop so separation anxiety is to be expected unfortunately.

I know she is three, but has she been able to verbalise what she does not like about school, is it just the general being apart from you? It also will be worth talking to the school, there will likely be other children in a similar position. It will pass, but they will hopefully be able to make it easier, especially once she makes friends etc.

I know it is tough, but you will get through it.

Twizbe · 08/09/2021 19:47

Try mornings for a while. Also try to be the first ones there. My son can get quite anxious in new places. I've noticed though that if he's first in he settles better. He has time to work up to the noise.

5zeds · 08/09/2021 19:49

I’d keep her home. Go to playgroup together till she’s happier.

Original poster

Whosthecrazy · 08/09/2021 19:49

When I ask her why she doesn’t want to go etc she said “because the people are too busy and loud”. She’s an extremely sensitive child, always has been. Very quiet and doesn’t like loud/busy environments. They really overwhelm her. I had been worried about her having some kind of sensory issues. It breaks my heart, surely it’s not normal for a 3 year old to worry/stress to the point it’s actually taking over their afternoon/evening?

OP posts:

5zeds · 08/09/2021 19:56

Of course three year olds worry like that if they are challenged to that extent. You/she have overreached, either you push her through or you pull back and find a stepped plan to achieve your aim.

NorthLodgeAvenue · 08/09/2021 20:04

Coukd you talk to staff? It appears you have been give 2 very different accounts.

stopusingmyusernames · 08/09/2021 20:05

Definitely agree with too much too soon.
Sorry this is a long reply!
My son started nursery when he turned 3 and had never been away from me previously.
He is very sensitive too and kept telling me he was nervous so I felt anxious about him starting. He does 3 days a week but I spoke to the teachers at his nursery before he started and we agreed that he would start with shorter hours and work upto longer days.
So he is supposed to do 9-3.30 but we started him on 9-12 for a couple of weeks,then he started for lunch for a couple of weeks,then he started staying for full days.

On some of the full days I have been called to get him early as I asked them to call me if they can't console or distract him. But we'd rather him come home early that than make him stay and him be upset.
He's been going for 5 months now and still says every day that he doesn't want to go and he wants to stay at home but he doesn't cry and walks in happily.

We have regular play dates with 3 other children from his class so he's familiar with them and comfortable so I'd recommend that too if possible.
I know it's heartbreaking making them go when they're so upset but there are definitely ways to make it go more smoothly and make it a more gentle process. Hopefully things will settle down soon!

Waitwhat23 · 08/09/2021 20:21

@Whosthecrazy

I work in a School Nursery and would love for the kids to be able to call me by first name - I'm not keen on the formality of Mrs Secondname. We have no choice - the School says that's what they want. You'll find that in almost all School nurseries (where I am anyway).

Speak to the staff about your concerns and they should work with you to put in strategies to support your child.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 08/09/2021 20:32

What was the reason for choosing a school nursery over a regular nursery/ childminder?

They can be a lot busier with a larger class, lots of stimulation and activities, and of course the grown-up feeling of being in a school, wearing uniform, calling the teachers "miss". And I presume nowhere to nap. Great for some kids, but you mention your child is sensitive and doesn't like busy noisy places. Maybe it's not the right place for her at the moment, and a calmer setting would be better.

I'd also be upset about being told different things by different staff. You need to know whether your child was crying all day or not.

Peppapigforlife · 08/09/2021 20:32

It just sounds way too much for her poor thing. She really needs to be settled in so she can feel comfortable there with you and then go off and play when she feels confident and you can gradually leave for an hour and then two hours etc. If they don't offer a settling in period could you find another nursery or even a child minders, with less children? Even grown adults feel nervous starting anywhere new they've never been before with New peoole- imagine what it must have been like for a three year old! I would be worried that one teacher said she was fine and another one said she had been having panic attacks all day.

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