What's reasonable to expect of full time working sons still living at home?

[LegendaryReady]

First let me say they are good kids, 18 & 20 working full time and paying (what I consider) a sensible amount of keep.

They've had a shocking couple of years with lockdown, their father's cancer diagnosis and subsequent death and they've kept going and worked (DS1 with the public, DS2 wfh on an apprenticeship) all the way through. They also helped a lot with DH's care towards the end.

Anyway since DH died, I've been on compassionate leave and doing most things around the house and garden to "keep busy". I also wanted to see them enjoying life once things started to open up again, so I haven't asked much of them.

They're very good when I do ask, it always gets done without a fuss. DS2 mowed the large lawn yesterday and DS1 cleaned both bathrooms today.

I feel like they should contribute to the running of the house, buy I don't want to put upon them. I don't want them to feel they have to step in to DH's shoes iyswim. Ds2 always does the bins, has done for years and DS1 washes the car.

It's hard to give them regular jobs because of irregular working patterns and DS1 particularly, is not always here, often stays at GF's.

Anyway I'm back to work now and feeling like I can't do it all, but I don't want to make unreasonable demands either.

If they do stuff when they are asked, then asking them to do a few regular things seems fine.

I'm very sorry to hear of your husbands passing.

It sounds to me that you are thinking about two different issues here.

1. Whats appropriate to ask of my kids now they are earning but living at home?
2. Is asking anything of them given the difficult years they have had insensitive?

There is an onus on parents to produce kids who can be sane, sensible adults who will step up to responsibility in life. In this case it sounds like you have done a great job in the most difficult of times.

Maybe the better way to approach this would be to involve them in the decision.?
Say you are transitioning in life a little and would appreciate some input into how you can all share (and benefit) from a distribution of tasks & finances. If you can frame it in a ' what should we do' style as opposed to a 'I want you to' then you may get better feedback.

I wish you all well and hope you are looking after yourself.