Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Slightly smug eye roll ... but know I'm a cow

19 replies

TiredButDancing · 06/09/2021 10:00

so I'm posting here!

DH does his share of the actual work at home/for the DC - mostly. But from the day we moved in together the endless thinking and planning and organising and rearranging and compromising that is all left to me has been a bone of contention which obviously just got worse with kids etc. Culminating last year (after a whole lot of other stuff) in the mother of all arguments over the vacuuming of all things. Since then he really has been trying and I've also been making a big effort to "see" the many things he does that I do NOT have to think about because I am conscious that compared to most, he's amazing.

For various reasons, I have had to concede that I am never going to sort the kids' dental appointments. I asked DH therefore to take it on. Which he has done. But now I am definitely being unreasonable because I am laughing hysterically inside because he keeps having to reschedule the appointments because he's never actually had to plan anything for the kids so keeps booking them in on days that they already have something, or that they can't make it up to the dentist in time or something. I know I shouldn't be laughing but in light of the fact that we've just gone through 7 weeks holiday where DH looked after the DC a lot but didn't so much as organise a single activity, play date etc nor did he even ONCE consider that maybe he needed to reschedule his work arrangements.... I can't help myself. I have so far resisted say, "welcome to my world" as he's tearing his hair out!

[Also, I should mention that I am the main breadwinner and work 40+ hours a week. DH works part time.]

OP posts:

FunTimes2020 · 06/09/2021 10:10

Dozer · 06/09/2021 10:12

Why do you suggest he’s ‘amazing’?! He sounds pretty crap.

FazedNotPhased · 06/09/2021 10:14

He sounds awful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

MrsPnut · 06/09/2021 10:15

I hear you, my DH is great at the actual doing but all of the thinking and planning falls to me.

Being able to pass over responsibility for a thing would be brilliant, not sure I’d be able to actually let go though.

ClawedButler · 06/09/2021 10:16

Why is his distress so funny?

FazedNotPhased · 06/09/2021 10:16

@ClawedButler

Why is his distress so funny?

Yes the poor lamb.

ClawedButler · 06/09/2021 10:17

Sorry, that sounded snippier than I meant it. It just sounded to me like a game of point-scoring rather than a partnership. Although I do hear you wrt mental load.

LagneyandCasey · 06/09/2021 10:17

Dental check ups are important. If he's too incompetent to arrange it, and is messing around the dentist surgery in the process, then you are going to have to sort it out yourself. This is probably what he's hoping you'll do tbh.

CorrBlimeyGG · 06/09/2021 10:18

You're not coming across at all well here OP. It's OK to say 'this is what I do everyday', but the smuggery around it, I can understand why he keeps out of it.

Raise others up, don't knock them down. If a man spoke like this about his wife, we'd be calling him controlling and abusive.

emuloc · 06/09/2021 10:20

It is only your child's teeth that will go unchecked in the meantime.

MerryHellbreakingloose · 06/09/2021 10:21

My husband and I have just downloaded a shared calendar app to help us both keep track of things.

I get that it's annoying always doing the thinking but I don't really agree with "laughing hysterically" while he's struggling.

You could both help each other out a bit.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 06/09/2021 10:21

I sounds completely useless.

Original poster

TiredButDancing · 06/09/2021 10:21

Oh god, I should have realised this would happen. He is crap on the thinking, organising planning etc for the kids etc. But he genuinely does take on all kinds of things that I don't have to think about (which is partly where I have had to pay more attention because I was getting so annoyed about how bad he was about planning with the kids that I was not noticing what he DOES do - from DIY, to the garden, to the vast bulk of the washing, to all of our house admin eg car licences/MOTs, electricity, council tax, tradesmen etc. He also does the vast bulk of actual physical childcare. He does the surface cleaning - vacuuming, bedding, tidying etc. He's also always taken on his share of the night times/early starts (when those were a thing) and has always done all of the "dirty" chores that, die-hard feminist that I am, I can't face!

Some of this he's always done. Some is as he's realised he needs to take on more - and I appreciate his ability and willingness to change.

I shouldn't have posted this. I AM being unreasonable to be laughing at him finally realising how complicated the organisation element is. Which is why I haven't said a word to him! That would just be mean.

OP posts:

InkieNecro · 06/09/2021 10:22

I'd be smug about it too if I was in that situation after years of doing it myself, maybe that also makes me horrible

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/09/2021 10:25

Oh I think it's fine to smirk a bit as it dawns on him that the logistics of running a family are more complex than they look.

But I think this should be a starting point for him to take responsibility for other things too. He is perfectly capable - it's just like driving, you don't get it until you do it.

Original poster

TiredButDancing · 06/09/2021 10:26

@MerryHellbreakingloose

My husband and I have just downloaded a shared calendar app to help us both keep track of things.

I get that it's annoying always doing the thinking but I don't really agree with "laughing hysterically" while he's struggling.

You could both help each other out a bit.

For the record, we have a shared calendar app. DH has form for not looking at it! Which is partly why he keeps having to rearrange the dentist!

Just to reiterate, of COURSE I'm being a cow. Which is why I'm on here and not saying anything to him. He does loads. This is one thing that annoys me regularly and so I can't help it, I'm finding it a bit funny that he is finally seeing how hard these things are. I think he's always thought I'm making a mountain out of a molehill when I complain about the effort involved in planning and organising things for the kids. But we ALL have our weaknesses and I am generally very happy with all he does.

[also, I have suggested that a solution that involves me taking DD to a different activity while he takes DS to the dentist which, bless him, would never have occurred to him because in his head this is now HIS task and therefore getting me involved would not have crossed his mind]

OP posts:

Onlinedilema · 06/09/2021 10:28

How hard is it to arrange a dental appointment?

DameFanny · 06/09/2021 10:42

@CorrBlimeyGG

You're not coming across at all well here OP. It's OK to say 'this is what I do everyday', but the smuggery around it, I can understand why he keeps out of it.

Raise others up, don't knock them down. If a man spoke like this about his wife, we'd be calling him controlling and abusive.

No we wouldn't. Controlling and abusive? I don't think you understand coercion, do some proper reading maybe

MerryHellbreakingloose · 06/09/2021 11:20

Oh, if he's not going to help himself by looking at the bloody calendar then bollocks to him.

Flip