I'm a terrible parent since my Mum died

[parfortheparsnip]

Name changed for this.

I have two pre-school aged children. Over the summer, my Mum died very suddenly - no indications anything was wrong. Her heart gave out. She was my soul mate really, it's been just awful. A horrendous time. I fear I'm only just getting started with the grief.

Most parents would probably sympathise that it's hard to keep two young DCs entertained, fed and happy in the best of times, but this summer has been the worst of my life and I've found everything about my parenting has come unglued.

I get so frustrated with them both so much faster. I make poor judgments more easily. They are fed, clean and clothed and kept safe etc, it's more me losing my parenting skills basically. It's like my brain is mush.

For example, my oldest starts swimming lessons soon. This weekend we were staying somewhere with a pool for guests. Perfect, I thought. He's a nervous type of child and very nervous of swimming. We got there in all our gear etc and I realised too late that it was very much an adult pool with no shallow end etc. So of course it was a disaster (screaming DC, clawing at my neck etc) and we abandoned it about ten minutes in and now I'm worrying I've made him more nervous - and maybe starting him at lessons is a huge mistake.

I'm also giving up too quickly with things like snacks, dummies (was trying to reduce this for younger DC) and letting things go far too easily whereas before this happened we had a fairly stable routine.

DH is great really, and very supportive, but I spend the most time with the kids as my job is more flexible.

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can parent my DCs during the worst time of my life? Any tips on parenting through traumatic life events?

I’m so sorry for your loss, I think you’re doing a great job, especially in your circumstances and you sound so kind and thoughtful.

Do they go to a pre school! Could you up their hours for the next couple of months?

Can you make a plan for the week so you are seeing your friends with kids regularly and have adult company as well- I find this takes the pressure off!

Could your partner take some annual leave to help?

Be kind to yourself and don’t threat over the small stuff- like the dummy!

You're not a terrible parent. You're doing your best through a horrible time and, from what you've said, that's more than good enough. Don't worry about too many or too few snacks, and the dummy reducing can be done when things are more settled.

Your children are loved, happy and healthy. Your little boy will not remember the swimming mishap past today. You were with him and he came to no harm, because his lovely mum made sure of it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Look into bereavement counselling if it might help, I know it helped a friend in similar circumstances tremendously.

@parfortheparsnip I could have written your post .

My lovely mum died two months ago and I have one primary aged child . My brain is mush while trying to function 'normally '

I too am anxious / short tempered and a distracted mess . Nothing useful to add but you're not alone and my heart goes out to you

I lost my mum as a teen and whilst it was horrendous, I was at least able to wallow in my misery for a long time. You don't have that luxury because you have your mum's grandchildren to nurture 💐

So tomorrow is a new day and a new start. If they are in preschool that will give you a breather. If not, could you find a childminder. A few hours throughout the week to take care of yourself and mourn your mum.

Then when you are with your DC you can honour your mum by being the lovely mum they know, love and need. Not a perfect mum, just theirs.

Be kind to yourself. It’s amazing you’re doing this well! Your world has been knocked sideways, you can’t expect that not to have an impact.

Thanks all. They do go to childcare but that's very much during my working hours so there's not much time to reflect really. Having said that, I'm crying lots - crying way too much in front of my kids. @Bluemascara4 I'm so sorry you're going through this awful time too. It's horrific isn't it.
It feels so unfair - it's losing my mum when I need her most, or at least that's how it seems to me.
Hopefully the older DC will be ok at swimming lessons, and neither of them will be scarred for life by my sudden inability to think properly.
Thanks for the support.

Oh bless you @parfortheparsnip

You've just had your whole world shift. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly almost a year ago and my parenting has definitely suffered. My older 2 (aged 8 and 6 now) can kind of understand what has happened and why things are a bit different.

In the early days, sometimes all I could manage was the basics. They survived!! I did too... somehow.

My 3yo is disabled and she can't fully understand why mummy is sometimes a bit crap but I have always made sure to give her lots of cuddles. Sometimes if she sees me crying less frequently these days she comes to give me a hug.

Thankfully I have a really supportive MIL who has really helped me navigate this horrible time. My DP has just very practical in his support but MIL has been amazing.

My kids were all with me when I recieved the devastating news that mum was being worked on by the paramedics. I can't take back how I reacted at the time (not well) but I am open and candid about it. They don't seem too affected to be honest.

We do what we have to do and for the most part kids are very resilient. It's early days and you'll find your way.

I am very sorry for your loss

Up their daycare hours. Give yourself time to recharge.

I think, my lovely, that you need to phone the GPs and get yourself signed off for a couple of weeks with grief related depression. Because this second guessing yourself and feeling you're not good enough IS depression. During this time, keep sending the DCs to their nursery or whatever. You need to rest and to step off the treadmill of working/parenting, just for a week or so.

It doesn't need to be a permanent thing, you're not doing anything wrong, but your plate is too full. you can't stop parenting, so you need some time off work.

My mum died in July, if that helps. I am speaking from a place of experience, unfortunately

I’m so sorry for your loss. My Mum passed away in April and it still feels like the grief hasn’t properly started yet. I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old, and I feel as though I could have written most of your post, I especially relate to the brain feels like mush comment, this describes it perfectly. I think as I am so focused on the children, especially the baby who turned three months the day after she died, it feels like I have not had chance to grieve properly yet. I’m worried that it will hit me all of a sudden. Honestly, I don’t think any of the things you have written are bad at all, it sounds like you are doing the very best you can under the circumstances. I also find myself getting frustrated more easily, and the guilt I feel afterwards makes me feel awful, especially as it’s obvious my eldest is also grieving the loss of her Nanny. I have relied on snacks and screen time a lot for her but I firmly believe we are just doing what we need to to get through this. I hope it helps a little to know that you are not alone

Please be kind to yourself. I was the same with my mum, we were best mates and seen or spoke to each other every day, she dies 3 years ago, suddenly, and my DS was 5 months, it was truly horrendous, it was and still is the worst pain I have ever felt.

You sound like a brilliant mum and your kids are lucky to have you.
It really is ok to lower your standards for a few months to just get by, to just survive and finish a day.

Could your husband take some time off to help, although I did have the worry that if my hubby took time off so I could grieve, I would never get back out of bed, I worried if I stopped I would never be able to restart again, so that's a personal choice.

But seriously just surviving is perfectly fine at the moment.
My heart goes out to you, it is the hardest thing.

Can you take some time off sick so they can go to daycare and you can have some time to process everything?

When I am going through hard times and struggling to cope, I make lists. So things like breakfast, washed, dressed, washing up, cuddles, read story, kiss, tell them I love them etc. It sounds ridiculous but it helps remind me to do these things when I am struggling to put one foot in front of another. Kids only really need the basics plus love, this will be enough to get them through while you heal so please don’t beat yourself up.
And you will heal Op, you will never get over losing your lovely mum but the rawness will fade over time and you will function again. For now, be kind to yourself and lay off the mum guilt!

I'm so very sorry for your loss 💐

My children were 1 and 7 when I lost my Mum. Grief made every bit of functioning day to day harder - I remember saying to a friend that without my Mum, it was like I no longer knew how to be a Mum.

I promise it does get easier, but it does take time. Do consider grief counselling, and if you really feel you aren't coping please speak to a friend, family member or your GP - there's no shame in asking for help.

The fact that you are worrying about being a good parent shows you already are one. While you're going through such a hard time, pick your battles and don't get hung up on the smaller issues. Do what you need to do to get through the day. More snacks and dummy time won't do any harm in the long run. Sending hugs.

Thanks all. I took a few weeks off when it first happened but I think initially I was in shock. Now the grief sets in. I just feel my kids are suffering because the joy in my life has gone - I hope it's temporary as others have said.

You're allowed to take more time off of you need it. Talk to your employer. Unpaid leave or sick leave, if bereavement leave is unavailable.

It just takes time. Your children will be fine. Don't put pressure on yourself to do everything right and don't expect there's a fixed time period for when it will get easier. The children will just accept what you do because they love you and you'll never endanger them. You'll get back into the groove of things when your head says it right, you can't force it earlier. Meanwhile let other people help you.
I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

Same here @parfortheparsnip

Mum had a fall at the beginning of lockdown #1, which triggered vascular dementia, so she went 'mad' overnight. Other end of the country and I'm her only relative... combined with massive work stress led to a full breakdown (hello psychosis!). Back on feet, all got C19. Back on feet, she died in March.
I've been a thunderingly crap parent at times, so I know where you're coming from.
Thing is, there is little we can do about it- it's not like we've actively chosen to laze around drinking cocktails, or abandon them, or move to Outer Mongolia. For my own sanity I've had to chalk the last 18 months up to a period of 'survival'.... as you say, your kids are loved, fed and warm, it's an unsettling period for them, but it will improve.

Reach out for any support- counselling, friends, anti-ds, etc. And try short bursts of full attention, one on one time- 20 mins to do a jigsaw, make cakes, go for a walk to listen to them witter about Minecraft(!) so you only have to hold it together for a short period, but they get the full 'you' for that period.

My advice is not to be too hard on yourself. It's the grief that turns your brain to mush. You think you're just normal when you're actually totally distracted. When my dad died I made some shocking mistakes at work, I could focus about 90 percent of the time and the other 10 percent I don't know what I was thinking - not much.

Your DS will be fine. The swimming teachers, as it's preschoolers, they will be experienced with kids who are nervous of the water and the early swimming lessons IIRC are mostly aimed at getting the kids used to the water in a fun way - they do games to make them put their heads under the water and stuff like that. My DD2 was very nervous in the pool with me, totally different with the teacher.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum died nearly 2 years ago. We had a bit of warning but it was very quick. It’s bloody hard, your whole world has shifted.

Take it one day at a time, and as others have said, be kind to yourself. If you need a day lying in a dark room whilst your partner picks up the slack, then that’s okay. Don’t worry about crying in front of your kids either, they will be fine, just hold them tight - I found mine a huge and helpful distraction and they are the ones who got me through those first months. And talk to people who know what you’re going through - friends who have gone through it have been wonderful.

I’d like to say it gets better, but I think you just get used to having that hole in your life. I try and remember to feel hugely grateful for having had my mum in my life and talk about her to my kids as much as they can so that they know about her.

Just to say thanks so much to everyone who replied to my post.

I’m sorry you lost your mum

My mum died in June. Quite suddenly too. But in a different way as there had been an illness. The pain I felt was indescribable - I was so overwhelmed by the depth of my grief. It scared me. A good friend told me that it would never be as bad as it was on those first days, and she was right.

It’s still so raw but not quite as raw as it was 11 weeks ago. But it has had a huge impact on me. I am definitely less tolerant, a lot more flat. I can’t get as excited about things as I did before. I try really hard for my children and think I’ve done ok with them. Despite my grief we had a good summer together.

Honestly - I think you are being too hard on yourself and overthinking things a bit. Which I think is normal. The pool scenario could have happened to anyone.

Just take it a day at a time - plan some nice things into your week that aren’t too taxing. Get outside for fresh air every day if you can.

And it’s ok to cry. I’ve stopped crying as much as I did. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing actually. But in the early days I cried a lot and anything would make me cry. It’s ok for your DC to see you cry. Grief is such a normal part of life.

Don’t worry about the snacks or the dummies - these are taxing at the best of times! Just focus on getting through each day, and try and have something nice planned every day if you can - even if that’s just a walk to the park or a movie with popcorn.

Message me if would like to x

I lost my mum when I was young so I know how horrendous this is BUT you need to pull it together for them in front of them. This is your chance to show them resilience and strength. By all means fall apart behind closed doors but don’t pass on too much of your grief to them. Try and keep them as your joy.
I mean all this with kindness…

@NorthernChinchilla

Same here *@parfortheparsnip*

Mum had a fall at the beginning of lockdown #1, which triggered vascular dementia, so she went 'mad' overnight. Other end of the country and I'm her only relative... combined with massive work stress led to a full breakdown (hello psychosis!). Back on feet, all got C19. Back on feet, she died in March.
I've been a thunderingly crap parent at times, so I know where you're coming from.
Thing is, there is little we can do about it- it's not like we've actively chosen to laze around drinking cocktails, or abandon them, or move to Outer Mongolia. For my own sanity I've had to chalk the last 18 months up to a period of 'survival'.... as you say, your kids are loved, fed and warm, it's an unsettling period for them, but it will improve.

Reach out for any support- counselling, friends, anti-ds, etc. And try short bursts of full attention, one on one time- 20 mins to do a jigsaw, make cakes, go for a walk to listen to them witter about Minecraft(!) so you only have to hold it together for a short period, but they get the full 'you' for that period.

My mum had vascular dementia too 😔 it is an awful condition.