I can’t get past it . I was brought up Catholic, confirmed at 14. I would argue now that I was not given a choice in making my confirmation; I was told it was what all Catholics must do ...
My mum is less religious - although still believes - but my grandmother is devout - ie raised in a convent by nuns - some of who have since been convicted of abuse, daily rosary, mass, pays money to SPUC, hands out leaflets to others about her beliefs. She is openly homophobic, she says awful things. I’ve never told her I’m gay but I think she suspects, at sixteen she told me if I was one of ‘those women’ I’d never be welcome home again.
We were taught as children that sex, bodies, are disgusting unless within a marriage - that marriage is for men and women only and anything else (including masturbation) is fornication/lust. My grandmother believes in a literal hell, and has told me many many times she believes that’s where I’m going for my ‘sins’ (ie not attending mass regularly).
My gran would argue anyone who is not Catholic will go to hell too, that no one can be truly good if they’re not going to mass.
I realised I was gay at 13, came out at 26 . I haven’t felt able to be true to myself at all, I feel like if I do I’m doing something awful and something to be ashamed of . I’m 30, I’ve never been in a relationship - I’m too scared because at the back of my mind is this idea of hell .
I don’t want to attend church anymore, I haven’t been to mass in years; I believe in God but I don’t believe in one who would actively punish me for something I did not choose . I don’t think I need to stay celibate for the rest of my life (as church would argue that’s the answer to being gay) . I think I should be afforded the same rights and respect as others .
My aunt (other side of family) ministers to a wonderfully inclusive church and celebrates gay marriage, goes to Pride etc. I’ve got gay friends who’ve found their place in other churches too. I’m scared to explore this myself though as have always been told I’ll eventually be punished for it - as much as I don’t think that’s true I can’t get the fear out of my mind.
I’m having therapy at the moment and my therapist has been encouraging me to pull back from family a bit, to contact only on my terms . She said I need to explore my identity a bit, but I genuinely don’t know how to . She wants to talk more about it this week but I’ve been going over and over it in my mind and panicking a bit, I don’t know how to even begin to feel more comfortable with myself .
Just wondering if anyone has been in the same position - trying to walk away from religion? How do you do it?