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Original poster

Just set a boundary with my mother and it feels amazing

18 replies

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 11:11

I just wanted so share my happiness anonymously as this is sensitive, but I'm a regular poster.

I thought I'd have mixed feelings the day I finally stood up to my mother, and I' m definitely emotional, but 99% of the emotion is good. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I actually feel some confidence in myself for the first time in a while.

I wouldn't go so far as to say my mother is an emotionally abusive person, though I've heard other people say it. But her behaviour can be. She is what my friend calls 'aggressively generous': she'll go over the top in doing things for people, giving things, putting herself out for them - whether they asked or want her to or not - so she can play the martyr and go on and on about all she does for others, call people ungrateful, complain about how busy she is (with stuff she chooses to do - she's retired and well off). She is also intermittently aggressive, nasty, and never in the wrong. Ever. For anything. Well, today I was supposed to go to some event at her house (which she's putting on for the benefit of others, apparently) that I really could have done without, I have a hectic fulltime job, a social life and plenty of things to do around my flat. But I went, early, and she immediately got an attitude about me saying the wrong thing apparently:

I commented that one of her dog's leads was sticking and needed replacing
She yelled at me that she has a million and one things to do

Normally I would just go quiet and passive at this but something stirred in me and I pointed out that I was only going to suggest I order it on Amazon (I regularly order things for her and she gives me the money as she won't shop online).

She yelled at me that I still hadn't sorted out her dogs' insurance online, despite her 'bringing it up' multiple times and I pointed out at the she needed to give me the money first as it had to be a lump sum yearly payment
She then proceeded to have pick a massive fight about anything and everything and cop a huge attitude. She said she wasn't asking me for things any more as she 'didn't like my attitude' (I'm an adult with a job and home). So I said I was leaving and she could call me when she was ready to apologize. You can imagine the fireworks this started.

And I did leave.

And I feel fantastic! I've wanted to do this so many times. I don't think my mother has ever apologized to me more than three or four times in thirty years. So lets see what happens. I'm not angry. I'm not worried about it. I'm just not going to be the receptacle for her mood swings anymore.

Oh and when I said I was going to stand up for myself (which has frequently told me to do, as I am usually very passive), she said 'that's just a new thing you have at the moment'. Well, maybe it is! Long may it last!

I don't know why it took me so long to do this.

OP posts:

MrsPumpkinSeed · 05/09/2021 11:16

Good for you. I've had to do this. I actually waited 3 months having seen each other twice a week. It felt great up to a point but I was also consumed with guilt.. To this say the boundaries remain (there were another two occasions when I had to go no contact)

MrsPumpkinSeed · 05/09/2021 11:17

Day

mrstea301 · 05/09/2021 11:18

Good for you!!! Well done! The first time is the worst, hopefully you've given her some food for thought now that you've followed through. Stand firm!

Original poster

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 11:20

@MrsPumpkinSeed thank you and congratulations. Right now I honestly feel like if I need to wait 3 months that's fine. I don't need any of the 'help' she pushes onto me and I've said so many times.

OP posts:

MrsPumpkinSeed · 05/09/2021 12:09

Yes stick to your guns. Beware of siblings etc guilt tripping you too.

Also I would advise not telling people who may not understand as I regret telling people who made me feel guilty. My dm doesn't criticise me anymore and actually respects me.

Original poster

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 12:12

I will definitely be careful who I tell. My brother is actually a lot better at keeping his distance so he wouldn't guilt me. He says things like 'it's just how she is' - he's a pragmatist. I'm already starting to guilt myself a bit though - but nah. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm 100% willing to converse like reasonable adults. The door is open, its up to her. But I'm not going to do the eggshell thing.

OP posts:

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 05/09/2021 12:59

Well done you.This is so lovely to read.You must respect yourself more and to realize enough is enough.I am very proud of you. When ever you feel the guilt creeping in remember you didnt ask to be treated this way and nor should you be, Would you treat someone like this? I very much suspect the answer is No you wouldnt so why should you accept it? You are now on a journey to be yourself and if your mum wants to join you then she should behave decently and respectfully. Stick to your guns on this your life will get much happier if you do.Best wishes to you.

Changemusthappen · 05/09/2021 13:05

Well done OP, it certainly is a good feeling taking back some control and calling people out when they treat you badly.

The only thing I would say is, I and hope you already think this, but don't expect her to apologise to you. You may need to distance yourself permanently.

Original poster

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 13:06

Thank you. I suppose the guilt thing is partly instilled by her (she's a master) and partly because of the 'she's your mother, she won't be around forever' narrative...but let's be realistic, we're talking about a fit, healthy, relatively well-off woman in her sixties, not a frail 85 year old.

OP posts:

Changemusthappen · 05/09/2021 13:06

I don't mean NC by the way, just not being so available and seeing her on a regular basis on her terms.

Original poster

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 13:26

@Changemusthappen I'm not sure what will happen. What I suspect...and I might be totally wrong....is that she'll leave it for a reasonable amount of time then ring me up and act like nothing ever happened, and go back to acting exactly the way she always has. And I mean, I do want a relationship with her....I just don't want to be forever guessing her moods and placating and putting up with her being 'just how she is', as my brother puts it, for another twenty-odd years. Because she does have good qualities. I don't want to make our like she's a monster. I suppose the word for her is 'difficult'.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/09/2021 13:57

Think through a strategy if she calls up and acts like it hasn't happened. You said she needed to apologise are you going to hold her to that?

Original poster

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 14:12

@RandomMess oh gosh, that's a good question. I ought to hold her to it, otherwise I'm just setting the tone for her to carry on as she does. But I'm not sure how. As you can tell this is a new experience! I'll have to think hard about it. The fact I've literally never done this before makes me think I really have been a pushover. I'm hoping she'll surprise me and actually apologize. This is uncharted territory.

OP posts:

Changemusthappen · 05/09/2021 14:19

Oh yes my mother did exactly that ie. just brushes it under the carpet and forgets it. Once I realised that my parents believe it is acceptable to treat me differently to my siblings then I disengaged. I suspect your brother is the golden child? If that is the case then he actually has no idea what she is like.

Like you I still want a relationship with my parents but I just have to manage it.

RandomMess · 05/09/2021 14:19

She phones up and talks at you. You kindly say "I'm still waiting for an apology from you for xyz." Give her the chance to apologise.

If she doesn't I guess you can say "I meant what I said I'm not going to chat to you or see you until you apologise for xyz" pause and if she doesn't then say "I'm hanging up now because you haven't apologised"?

Something to think through.

GinIronic · 05/09/2021 14:31

Well done! Wait for that apology. Don’t engage until you get one - if you feel like engaging. If anyone ever says “you’ve only got one mother and she won’t be here forever” bollocks, my standard reply was always “thank god for that”.

messybun101 · 05/09/2021 14:47

Mum is that you? Almost the same scenario happened today with my mum and gran. My mum didn't get upset. She didn't let emotion come into it. She was so strong and stuck up for herself after one blow with GM too many
I am so proud of her

Op - I am so proud of you. Congratulations and well done

Original poster

namechange0509 · 05/09/2021 14:51

Thank you for the support everyone, it means a lot!

I don't know about golden child but there were definitely different standards for him (no tantrums when he cut his hair, for example, whereas for me - a different story). I don't recall him being on the end of her temper much, though he definitely knows she has one. He just keeps it very very low key and only makes the most superficial conversation possible. Also he lives further away. I have also heard my whole life how he was 'so much easier' to bring up. Okay, are you supposed to tell your kids that...?

“thank god for that”.

It's not quite at that stage though to be honest I'd not want two of her!

OP posts:

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