Partners crippling anxiety about becoming a dad

[Butterflyss]

Hello I am at a loss and don't find much online about my specific situation for guidance.

I am a divorced mother of one (following ex's affair so I was really hoping I was done with complicated relationships)

I have just found out I am pregnant with my partner of 2 years. He has become completely overwhelmed with anxiety about becoming a dad and that he will fail etc. This is not the normal anxiety most feel about becoming a parent, it is extreme, he is not sleeping or eating and he looks haunted. He has went out for walks and called lifeline at 4am. He does not deal well with change. He is a kind and caring man and is wonderful with my daughter. There is nothing to say that he will not be a good dad. I had urged him to get counselling before due to his anxiety and it was no, but he has now agreed to go but could only get telephone counselling due to covid.he will also call his doctor on Monday.

I have had my own mental health issues throughout life for which I have sought help for and have a handle on it but I am honestly going to break if this continues the way it is going.

What should be a wonderful time is turning into the most anxious time. I feel like I could cry constantly. I look at his face and he looks like he has seen a ghost all the time!! I am terrified. I cant do this for another 8 months (5 weeks preg) I could see him just getting worse and worse. I need to keep myself calm for the baby.

Has anyone been in this situation with a partner who is overwhelmingly anxious about becoming a dad? How did it progress /resolve? How did you support him and how did you cope with the effect on your health?

I'm at a loss and think I will have to go sick from work as I am in a constant state of panic and worry. Then I feel the guilt about the unborn child and about me not being a great mum for my daughter atm cos I am so sad.

Thank you for any advice or guidance x

Was it a planned pregnancy? Are you sure he wants this baby?

Maybe time for a frank conversation about if this is actually what he wants, and if it isn’t and he doesn’t want to be involved then cut him free but claim for maintenance.

Hello thank you for replying. No not planned but we we going to in a few months time, so it has happened a bit earlier. I have questioned this before and we had had very Frank conversations before this happened about a baby and he had stated he was anxious about it but definitely wanted to be a dad. I'm very aware that he has anxiety and has had a difficult childhood and having had my own issues I would prefer to try and support him through it rather than end it due to a mental health issue that he is talking about and willing to get help regarding. It just feels very extreme at the moment and wondering if anyone here had experienced anything similar. There is alot of antenatal and post natal depression for woman or even post natal depression in men online but not much about before baby is here. Feels like such a long road ahead at the moment

He would never agree to not being involved it's his intense need to be somehow a perfect parent before he even is one that is overwhelming. He would constantly remark that he cannot believe my ex doesn't try to get more overnights with our child

It does sound like he wants to be a father, just probably not prepared for how quickly it's happened!
He's probably panicking because he's worried about how to be a good father, and that's a good thing
Are there parenting classes aimed at men available in your area?

There's a group called Dad's Matter focused on dad's mental health and parenting, you could see if they are operational in your area and if not they might know of other groups

dadmatters.org.uk/ sorry, they only seem to be in greater Manchester but there may be something in your area if you're not in GM

You are very early days and you have options. You need to think about yourself and what's best for the child you already have. Are you fully prepared to go it alone? I certainly wouldn't have much confidence in your boyfriend pulling it together in order to be a good father.

I suspect maybe his difficult childhood is haunting him, and he's scared of repeating it? If you have any make friends who've gone on to be good dads without a good role model, maybe he'd find it reassuring to talk to them?

Would he find it helpful to discuss specifics? I hope to become a parent but am worried because I had a difficult childhood in some ways. There's quite a deep fear of "will I turn into my mother?" Reading and listening to podcasts about parenting techniques is helping me feel more confident that I could learn the skills to handle things better than my mother did.

I read this yesterday and it’s wonderful

I think impending parenthood can be a terrifying time tbh. It’s good that he’s seeking help. Nothing to add but I think it’s helpful to know that it’s very very common to feel afraid, even in my planned pregnancies I had plenty of moments of feeling wtf have I done. Just keep talking x

As a prospective father, I was very, very scared about becoming a father, even though it was planned. I bought a book called "Goodies and Daddy's by Michael Rosen" which helped a bit. My wife talking to me a lot helped a lot.
Outcome is I've got a son of 25 who I'm massively proud of, and I'm still married after 30 years.
Genuinely hope your OH gets through his rough patch

He does not deal well with change.

Has he been assessed for anything?

@LeuvenMan

As a prospective father, I was very, very scared about becoming a father, even though it was planned. I bought a book called "Goodies and Daddy's by Michael Rosen" which helped a bit. My wife talking to me a lot helped a lot. Outcome is I've got a son of 25 who I'm massively proud of, and I'm still married after 30 years. Genuinely hope your OH gets through his rough patch

Thank you I will definitely check out this book :) that is good to hear you went through similar and are doing well, thank you for sharing!

@Aquamarine1029

You are very early days and you have options. You need to think about yourself and what's best for the child you already have. Are you fully prepared to go it alone? I certainly wouldn't have much confidence in your boyfriend pulling it together in order to be a good father.

Hiya yes I would be prepared to go it alone. But I would rather not of course! He is making it very clear he is not going anywhere. The anxiety is focused around his need to be a good father so I don't see him disappearing. But just need us both to have the support to get through. It is early days so hopefully with mental health support he can process and move forward

@Noluthando

dadmatters.org.uk/ sorry, they only seem to be in greater Manchester but there may be something in your area if you're not in GM

Thank you so much :) this is exactly the kind of thing I am looking for! I found something similar near me and have messaged them :)

@MMMarmite

I suspect maybe his difficult childhood is haunting him, and he's scared of repeating it? If you have any make friends who've gone on to be good dads without a good role model, maybe he'd find it reassuring to talk to them?

Would he find it helpful to discuss specifics? I hope to become a parent but am worried because I had a difficult childhood in some ways. There's quite a deep fear of "will I turn into my mother?" Reading and listening to podcasts about parenting techniques is helping me feel more confident that I could learn the skills to handle things better than my mother did.

Thank you that is what it seems to be. I have bought a cognitive behabioural workbook to work thru these thoughts. What do you call the podcasts you use?

@Butterflyss there's nothing specific, I just read a lot about parenting (that's why I'm here!). Most recently I'm listening to the Unruffled podcast by Janet Lansbury, which takes about how to approach discipline in different situations. Although I can't vouch for whether her approach works or not

Just updating on this one for anyone in similar situation reading. My partners anxiety has decreased a good bit through weekly counselling and he has also become involved in some dad to be courses . It seems to help him knowing he is taking action to prepare himself !fingers crossed all goes well , I'm sure there will be ups and downs ! Thanks to everyone for their advice x

I know Dadsnet is a bit of a backwater, but do you want to suggest he joins that and maybe talk to others about his anxieties? I don't know any bloke who did not feel like this at some stage. I certainly did.

Hey- what a great update! I hope you're keeping well and healthy too

@CovidPassQuestion

Hey- what a great update! I hope you're keeping well and healthy too

Thank you I am :) we have pretty much everything in now and sitting in the spare room , even with over 3 months to go. I thought we were getting everything ready extremely early but it has settled him alot. He will be in the spare room practicing using the pram etc. He still has anxious days like yesterday talking to a friend who mentioned you never stop worrying /don't sleep. I just try to advise it's something we all adjust to and support him when he has a funny day and try not to freak out and take it personal. We will see how he is when baby is here !