Ex husbands girlfriend and my daughter

[Wizzywig1]

I could really do with some advice here. I divorced my husband very amiably in 2010. We shared custody of our only child, she was 14, and we had a great relationship. No other person was involved. He started to date again and I would give him advice if he asked otherwise we lived our own lives. 4 years ago he started dating this woman who then moved house so she could be near him even though he wasnt that keen. Within a year I had a meeting with him where he told me he could not speak to me or see me any more. Naturally I was hurt but I let him go because what right did I have to interfere-clearly this new woman felt threatened even though we had been divorced for years. Since then she has never once let my husband visit my daughter who is at university doing her extended degrees etc, alone. Every visit she is there. This week my daughter went to visit him for the first time since lockdown ended. She stayed at his house, which has kept and uses a couple of times a week as he has refused to move in with this woman. Every day this girlfriend has been round until yesterday when she decided she was staying the night and days until my daughter leaves-which is tomorrow. My daughter is beside herself. She just want to be with her dad and he stands by and allows this woman to take over. She even brought her two girls round to his house even though my daughter had said to her dad she was not ready to meet them. My daughter rang me today begging to come and stay with me when she leaves as she is so upset about how this woman is treating her dad. Apparently she talks to him like crap and bosses him about. The man I was with for 25 years has changed completely. He was a strong, kind, selfless man who was a lovely husband and father. The things he is doing are so out of character. I am worried about him but helpless as we no longer speak. Please could someone advise me on how I advise my daughter on the way forward. All I want is for her to be able to have a good relationship with her dad but this woman seems intent on destroying that presumably so she can have him all to herself? Is she a narcissist? I need to be fair and just and not say anything to influence my daughter against her dad. I just want to do the right thing. Advice would be so helpful right now. Thanks

There's not really much you can do here. Your daughter is an adult. I would be advising her to write or speak to her dad to tell him how she feels and that it is reasonable for her to want to spend some time alone with him.Could she not meet him in a neutral place for a coffee/day out the two of them?

A friend of mine had the same problem. Her dad wasn't strong enough to stand up to his girlfriend and their relationship became non existent. If your daughter tells him how she feels he can either do something about it or not.

That is the life he has chosen and for all you and your daughter know he wants the woman there.

She can message him and say that she had been hoping to spend some time with him, just him and it’s a shame that his girlfriend has to always be there.

Your daughter needs to speak to her dad and basically pour her heart out to him, what he then decides to do with that information is his decision but she should definitely speak to him sooner rather than later. Things like these grow arms and legs if they aren’t nipped in the bud.

She can write him one emotional letter about this specific visit and tell him plainly that she misses him and wants to spend time with him, father and daughter. If I were her I'd hand it to him in person, just in case.

Then the ball is in his court!

Is there anything else going on? I may have misread but if they have been together four years why is meeting her children having such a big impact on your daughter? I appreciate that he needs to spend some time alone with his daughter but it sounds like he's in a pretty serious relationship.

Your exH is in a long term relationship of 4 years. He very clearly is keen, and is in a long term committed relationship with this woman.

Your adult daughter (and you) need to get over this.

This is all a lot of drama over nothing - your adult daughter "not being ready" to meet her father's long term partner's children - what? Ridiculous. I'd understand if we were talking about an 8 year old and a relationship of a few months, but an adult, after many years?

Your ex DH has clearly been a good an involved father to your DD. Now she is grown up, he is entitled to have a new relationship, and to expect your daughter to respect that. Your DD should be mature enough by now to understand this. And your exDH's relationships are none of your business at all.

Your ex sounds like he’s in an emotionally abusive relationship. We all (well most of us) need our parents - even when we’re adults! I don’t understand the PP.

Your daughter is 25 years old, parents divorced 11 years ago and she's not ready to meet his girlfriend of 4 years children? I'd find that worrying. Are you in a position to pay for some counselling for her?

It sounds like your ex's girlfriend is horrible to him but it's his life and his choice so what's important here is helping your Dd to cope with her feelings around it.

She stayed at his house, which has kept and uses a couple of times a week as he has refused to move in with this woman

If he’s strong enough to continually refuse to move in with her after a four year relationship, I’m surprised he’s finding it so difficult to assert other boundaries.

I don't get the PP comments about you needing to accept this. It sounds like this is a man you care about, just like any friend!

That being said you are limited. I would advise your daughter to tell her dad of her concerns and then decide if she can stay in a relationship with him and watch him be treated badly or if she steps away etc.

@Sn0tnose

She stayed at his house, which has kept and uses a couple of times a week as he has refused to move in with this woman

If he’s strong enough to continually refuse to move in with her after a four year relationship, I’m surprised he’s finding it so difficult to assert other boundaries.

Yes this. And ex wife saying new girlfriend is mean and my exDH doesn't really like her holds no weight to me either. If he didn't like her, he wouldn't still be in a relationship with her. In any case, it's not the business of his ex wife anyway. He is an adult, in a relationship he chooses to be in. It's his choice. If it didn't make him happy, he'd leave, just like he did with his marriage!

And an adult daughter should have moved on from running to mummy with tales, and be old enough to have an adult to adult relationship with her father, and that includes accepting his choice of long term partner and her family. They don't have to become besties, but just be adult and polite and accept them as part of the extended family.

Honestly this sounds like sour grapes from an ex wife who hasn't moved on, and daughter telling mum what she thinks she wants to hear (which is sadly v common in split families, but usually has resolved itself by the time the children are adults).

@Sn0tnose

She stayed at his house, which has kept and uses a couple of times a week as he has refused to move in with this woman

If he’s strong enough to continually refuse to move in with her after a four year relationship, I’m surprised he’s finding it so difficult to assert other boundaries.

Excellent point.

Many thanks to all of you who offered supportive advice.