"Don't tell your dad..."

[workwoes123]

Do you ever give / tell / talk about things to your child(ren) and tell or advise them not to tell their other parent?

DS 13yrs has just headed out for the day: last day out before the end of holidays, he's going with a group of friends to a touristy part of town (one of them has an exchange student visiting so they want to show her around). He usually heads out with just his phone, but he's a bit further away this time. I gave him bus tickets and 5€ 'just in case'.

He gets fairly generous pocket / birthday money, and we are keen for him to learn to budget wisely. So if he's spent all his pocket money already, he should be learning the lesson to save for things he knows are coming up. But I wanted to indulge him a wee bit - my parents generally would give me a little extra for special events and really didn't keep track of loans. DH on the other hand was brought up to live within his means, always keep track of borrowed money and to pay it back promptly (even if the person giving it has said not to bother!). Treats were pretty few and far between for him. TBF his parents were less well off than mine. He was paying his way at home from aged 16, whereas I was supported financially to study, travel, for pretty much as long as I wanted.

Anyway, my question is: do you ever tell your children to not mention something like this to their other parent? DH wouldn't be angry or anything about me giving some extra money to DS, but he'd point out we hadn't given the same to our other (younger) DS, and that DS 13 gets plenty of pocket money, and that we are undermining what we are trying to teach him if we give him handouts. So not shouty, just not agreeing with something that I wanted to do.

Once or twice DS has confessed to doing stupid things in the past - I've told him not to tell his dad as he will (IMHO) overreact. Whereas I tell DS off and then let it go. I'm definitely the more permissive of the two of us. I guess I worry that the (over)reaction of DH would damage their relationship more than it would teach anything useful to DS.

What do you think? My mum did occasionally tell me not to tell my dad things - like when I got a tattoo... but tbh I didn't do much that required secrecy. DS OTOH does push the boundaries more.

No. Never. Encourage lying? You forget who knows what and get caught out. Be open and upfront - I'm giving DS some cash because I want to.

As a reverse, my DS told me something private and told me not to tell his dad. Me keeping something from DH was awful and thankfully DS confessed to his dad eventually.

Well, I’m not in favour of being deceitful or lying, but in my opinion this falls into a little white lie that won’t really hurt. I’d hand it over with a ‘between us’ wink and would think no more of it.
The ‘silly things’ he’s done, well, I don’t know…maybe not, depending on what they were. But slipping him a few euros to buy a drink/burger etc, wouldn’t bother me.

No I don't.

I see both sides & I would be similar to yourself in I would like to treat them occasionally.

I'd take responsibility for my choice though, rather then expecting DS to lie about it.

I sounded really preachy there! Sorry. Yes, there can be degrees of "we don't need to mention this" but he should admit it if asked.

The rule in our family is no secrets are allowed. Surprises yes. Secrets no. Having worked with children who have been sexually abused its a hard rule we have here.

Umm, sometimes, but only in the instance of “don’t tell your dad your school coat cost £130, just say it was £60” 😬

Tbh I have done this myself but can’t say it sits well with me. I feel like I’m teaching my child the art of secrecy and deceit, who’s to say tomorrow they won’t use the same tactic on me?

I understand the points made above, however I do do this, only recently though. My 14yo DD is starting to hang out with boys, all pretty innocent, but I know that if I mention this to DH, he'll go postal as he's so protective. I dont understand his reaction as it's normal IMO, she's 14 and had a pretty sheltered last couple of years. She's also well behaved and obedient. I am worried if I tell him then my DD will stop telling me things and I want to keep the lines of communication open.

Never about things like giving DS a bit of money or how much stuff costs. I find that so disrespectful to your DH a and puts DS in a horrible position. If I want to treat DS I have no qualms about my DH knowing that, we both sometimes make small decisions that the other might not completely agree with but we are both his parents so have the right to do that.

If it’s about something more serious, supporting the DC to be honest with the other parent, perhaps pre warning them.

Different if DCs confide in you about something personal.

Surprises are allowed, as a PP said, but not secrets.

If we're out and get ice cream and DH is missing out, I might say 'shh, don't tell him', and wink, but we all know it's not serious.

As the DC go through teens that might change but it won't be about conspiring against someone, it would be more about protecting privacy if a child is embarrassed about something personal. I think I would check 'is it ok to tell DH?', if they said no it would be hard but I would try to keep in confidence unless something dangerous.

No I don't think it's fair on DS. In my family it might be said in a jokey way, but we could always tell if we wanted to.

It's his choice whether to tell his dad stuff or not.

My kids have said "don't tell dad but.." which is fine imo. They probably have their secrets with dad too.

I wouldn't advise my child not to tell their dad because you are brainwashing them into thinking like you- you are good cop, he is bad cop which is damaging to the relationship too.

They need to come to their own realisations about who to confide in etc How would you feel if your h was the soft one and had his set of secrets with your child ? You're supposed to be a parenting team

No, never. It would undermine their relationship with him which is valuable in its own right. I'm the resident parent but not the most important one! (Or I shouldn't be... 🙄)

My children have occasionally asked me not to tell their dad something they've told me because he does have a tendency to over react and we're not together. I've made it clear that I won't keep anything from him that, as their dad, he needs to know - eg anything that would fall under safeguarding but I keep their confidences if its about something 'trivial'.

But would I ever tell them not to tell their dad? Never.

@emmabridgewatertoast

I understand the points made above, however I do do this, only recently though. My 14yo DD is starting to hang out with boys, all pretty innocent, but I know that if I mention this to DH, he'll go postal as he's so protective. I dont understand his reaction as it's normal IMO, she's 14 and had a pretty sheltered last couple of years. She's also well behaved and obedient. I am worried if I tell him then my DD will stop telling me things and I want to keep the lines of communication open.

This is a difficult one but I would tell him something. The difficulty arises if something unpleasant happens or she gets into difficulty somehow. If he doesn't know, how can he help to keep her safe?

And this is only going to get worse as she gets older. She's growing up and he needs to understand and accept this. It's one of the issues I have with my daughter's father - he treats her like she's still 5 at times. But I wouldn't keep important aspects of her development from him.

No

Only of you're happy DS nad DH having secrets froom you

I’ve had a few “please don’t tell dad” though

I had it said to me quite often as a child, usually by a GP or fun uncle who had allowed me to do something that my parents might not have. I don't know how I knew, but I always understood it wasn't to be taken seriously though.

Eg out sledging with uncle and we went down a much steeper hill than with parents "don't tell mum"

Walk into house "Mum, guess what, we've had the best time, Uncle took us sledging down the hill of death and he bought us an enormous ice cream"

I've probably said it in the same way to my DC, don't tell your dad I've given you extra pocket money, but it wouldn't actually be a secret, I'd tell him anyway. It's a bit of fun if things feel illicit.

E.g. when I was a Guide midnight feasts were seriously forbidden. Topbsecret involving meticulous planning to make sure Captain didn't find out. Later when I was a young leader, Captain sent me to conspire with the Guides to make sure the feast food was being stored safely and wouldn't attract pests. She knew full well that the feast went on but also understood that the fear of being caught added to the fun

The only thing i never told dh is when dd started her period because thats her private buisness.
He soon clicked on with out being told.

I don’t think I’ve ever outrightly said ‘don’t tell Dad’ but may have said things around ‘Dad probably won’t like this, or Dad might want you to pay it back etc’ therefore leaving them to decide if they want to tell him!
We also may keep to ourself how much things cost

I did this morning
To be fair it was more of "don't torture him with that info"
For clarity we (dh and i) are getting braces for our 3 kids...bite the bullet and we re happy with the decision.
Coasts a fortune but if we waited on public services it could be 5 years and they may not even get them.
A friend is getting them free but their situation is different to ours and kids don't see that. Course mine will go on about it so I said if they say it do it once because we ve made our minds up and we re all happy so don't make us doubt ourselves.
It's definatly more of a don't go on about it as opposed to keep it quite.

But once I almost ran out of petrol and on fumes to petrol station...which dh hates. I agree with him its bad for the car but it was a doc visit and with the worry I just forgot...course the kids were thinking it's hilarious.

They make their own minds up and thank god it s never been a serious shussh...

I don't think it's a problem to have a few little secrets. An extra £20 to go into town with is fine, or something he's accidentally broken and has replaced is fine. Obviously if it's something more serious then I'd encourage honesty, but white lies can sometimes save a lot of hurt.

No, it goes against my parenting ethos. It’s totally unnecessary and gives the wrong message

I didn't actually say "don't tell dad" to DS - I just told him that the money was for emergencies, not just for spending. I just thought after he went that I would have liked to give him 5€ for spending. But like I say I previously agreed with DH that he needs to learn to manage his own spends and giving him handouts doesn't help with that.Maybe I just like to be the Disney parent: it just wouldn't occur to DH to hand out 'treat' money.

DH is far better at consistency and sticking to agreed rules than I am, I'll admit that. But to me it sometimes looks like rigidity and unwillingness to adapt. We are just different in that way. I bend rules, he doesn't.

I don't want to undermine him with the DC, but it's hard when I don't agree with how something is being handled.

@LizBennet

Umm, sometimes, but only in the instance of “don’t tell your dad your school coat cost £130, just say it was £60” 😬

similar to this , also guilty of occasionally writing notes to get out of PE lessons, that her Dad would definitely not approve of!