Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Can't cope anymore unsure where to get help

14 replies

ctiaints · 02/09/2021 15:36

Have a Son in his 20s who has various mental health problems. He is on medication.

He is getting older and bigger and more aggressive, he texts me horrible things (I hope your dad dies soon, I hope he suffers a lot, Hope he chokes on his blood etc) my dad has terminal cancer. He texts me that he is going to come and smash my windows (In the past he has done it, twice, and also smashed my car up, other things too)

The police do nothing, his mental health team do nothing, mental health team at the local hospital does nothing. It's like a merry go round where he will threaten to do something via text, he will then carry out his threat, police will be called, nothing will happen, to the point he will now reference in his texts "Tell the fucking police, run to them like you always do, they won't do anything because of my mental illness, I can do what I like and won't be held accountable" etc

Been going on for years now.

Everytime something goes wrong (daily) it's my fault, everytime he gets pissed off it's my fault, everytime he wants something and I say no, if someone else pisses him off it's my fault.

The last time the police came out after he broke into my house by smashing my windows using a metal pole he had hidden on his person, He was trying to get to me to attack me, they basically implied that if I ever want this to change then I should just move far away without telling him where I was going.

Am I really supposed to move far away from my entire family to stop his abuse? It's not his mental health making him treat me this way because he doesn't do it to anyone else..

Included one messenger conversation to show what he is like with me.. Removed name of my dad for privacy.

Can't cope anymore unsure where to get help

OP posts:

FleasInMyKnees · 02/09/2021 16:11

What mental health issues does he have. I cant believe no one will help you, can you get a restraining order, is your home safe with CCTV, ring doorbell, window screens. Are you flagged up as at risk with the police and have panic alarms, it sounds very frightening. Can a d.v group support you.

JovialNickname · 02/09/2021 16:24

That's so awful, surely there should be police intervention for any third person doing this to you, it's horrific!

It shouldn't be on you to change this, you are the victim, but are you reporting it every single time, and reporting him as "a man" rather than "my son", and clearly telling the police you will take 0 responsibility for his actions, and will make a complaint about them (the police) if they just leave you at the hands of this violent offender?

Obviously you shouldn't have to do this as it's not your fault, but you might just have to be a real thorn in the police's side until they help you properly!

Elieza · 02/09/2021 16:32

God, OP, that’s horrendous. Can you seek legal advice?

I had a friend whose sister was in a similar position with her son. They kept arresting him though as they live in Scotland. And eventually he was jailed as he was presumably considered fit to stand trial and aware of the outcome of his actions so held responsible for them. But he did a shedload of theft and breaking to her home prior to that.

I hope you get it sorted soon. It’s awful. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

ctiaints · 02/09/2021 16:36

@FleasInMyKnees

schizophrenia, autism, ocd, personality disorders, anxiety. I do have cctv, he does it even when my doorbell camera is recording, the police see the footage. what usually happens is he will be arrested, spend a night there, they will try to find him a bed somewhere on a mental health ward, then he is released and it all starts again.

never been sectioned even though he makes threats, carries them out, self harms etc.

OP posts:

ChrissyPlummer · 02/09/2021 16:42

I’d take it further with the police. Involve your MP too. It’s so shit that they won’t protect you.

ChrissyPlummer · 02/09/2021 16:46

Surely him saying he can’t be held accountable demonstrates some level of understanding/accountability?

CorrBlimeyGG · 02/09/2021 16:47

It's not unusual for those with schizophrenia to target a family member. That doesn't help you, but to say it's not related to his illness because he only targets you is not necessarily true.

Unfortunately mental health services are on their knees, there's little help for those that want it, let alone those that do not. There used to be assertive outreach teams that specialised in helping people like your son, now they're just marked as non compliant and discharged.

I'd be moving for your own safety. Which is an extreme solution, but it is an extreme situation. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster

ctiaints · 02/09/2021 16:54

@ChrissyPlummer

Surely him saying he can’t be held accountable demonstrates some level of understanding/accountability?

Yes, One thing that always confuses me.. Cops say they can't take it further as he doesn't have capacity, yet he pre plans everything he does, lives alone etc

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 16:58

That sounds very frightening.

Would it be possible for you to move house but stay in the area, so he didn't know where you lived but you could still see family?

I hope he leaves your dad alone.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 16:59

What would happen if you blocked him?

GoodnightGrandma · 02/09/2021 17:01

But they can’t say he doesn’t have capacity. Capacity isn’t always a yes and no thing, it can be ‘fluid’.
A person diagnosed with dementia can have capacity one day, and not the next.

Original poster

ctiaints · 02/09/2021 17:04

@HollowTalk

What would happen if you blocked him?

He is blocked now, When I have done it in the past he just shows up at my house.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 17:25

If he turns up when he's blocked, I'd let him rant away on the phone - that seems safer for you. When did you first notice he had problems? Do you have a partner? What about his dad? Are there siblings?

CityCommuter · 02/09/2021 17:34

@ctiaints you poor thing going through all that and those texts are a disgrace. He understands fully what he's doing and writing and shame on him frankly. There's too many allowances made these days just because someone apparently 'suffers from mental health issues'. So if he attacked you or God forbid worse is that OK then according to the police because of his 'mental health' and he'd just get a slap on the wrist?

Your situation is worse than a domestic violence scenario and you need help now! This cannot and should not be allowed to continue any longer... sorry but you're going to have to exaggerate his threats to the police to ensure your future safety. People do this when they have to but they shouldn't need to. Just make sure you say he said it in person so they can't prove he did / didn't IFKWIM...

Why does he blame you for all his problems? Did something lead up to his viciousness?

Flip