I’m not sure how to cope with my feelings anymore. I feel like it’s getting worse over time and I’m struggling to manage it.
I am constantly convinced I’m failing in every aspect of life. I have a job but think everyone secretly thinks I’m shit at it and they all slag me off behind my back. Even when I get glowing reports I think it must be passive aggressive digs. I’m worried my friends hate me and only see me because they are nice people and don’t want to hurt my feelings. I feel anxious when meeting up with any of them incase they’re dreading having to spend time with me. I have distanced myself from them over the years - only kept in contact so my kids can see their kids but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a burden to them. I enjoy spending time with my husband but only when it’s just us - when we go out I feel like he must look at other women and couples and think how gutted he must feel to be lumped with me. I’m embarrassed to be seen in public and hate that I’ll make a real effort just to leave the house and still stick out like a sore thumb amongst everyone else. I over exercise and don’t eat properly because I’m terrified of putting on weight and feeling even worse about myself than I already do. Some days it’s just a bowl of cereal and a sandwich. If I have to eat out to look normal I won’t eat a thing the next day to make up for it.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore I just want to feel normal but I feel like It’s got too bad now. I regularly cry when I’m on my own then fix myself up so no one will be able to tell. I feel even more embarrassed and inferior at the thought of anyone finding out about this - they all think I’m fine. I’m finding it harder and harder to act normally and I have started to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic with my heart racing at the realisation that I’m me and I really don’t want to be. I’m worried my husband hates me secretly and torture myself with really dark thoughts.
I was bullied badly at school and had severe acne. My parents divorced when I was young and didn’t handle it well at all. I’m not sure if these are the root causes for my feelings? I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone ever felt this bad? I just don’t want to be me but I can’t get away from myself.