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Original poster

Need distance from friend and abusive relationship`

26 replies

concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 13:12

I have been friends with a woman for around 3 years, in this time, her relationship with her partner has always been volatile, lots of arguing, he is mentally and emotionally abusive to her and she said there has been occasions when he has been physical. They both take cocaine, she said they used to do it every day but have cut down to 2 times per week. I am sceptical of this due to messages I receive and times of messages.

I have always supported her and told her she does not need to tolerate this relationship. She goes through cycles where he clearly is awful to her so she'll complain constantly then two minutes later, there will be declarations of love over SM.

This came to ahead a while ago and her partner severely assaulted her son. Apparentely a neighbour reported this to SS who, according to my friend, have made her have lots of help and only speak to her partner once a week.

Since then, I have struggled with the friendship. I understand being with an abusive partner it is hard to leave, but hearing her still stay in the same house with a man who severly assaulted her son I am struggling. She claims her son doesn't want them to split up and blames himself for being hurt (which upsets me more, her son is 16 with complex needs, it wasn't his fault)

I have tried putting distance between us but leaving myself around incase the worst happens again and she needs refuge but she is now trying to make friends with other friendship groups of mine to get herself involved. I am finding this really intrusive. I feel like I want to end the friendship completely but I worry if another event occurs, I could of done more? Our kids are in the same class to so it would be awkward.

Just unsure what to do. I have serious concerns over her not doing the right thing by her kids at the moment but I can see she clearly is damaged and needs help. I just don't know how to.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 02/09/2021 13:14

Always put children first. Always.

Wolfiefan · 02/09/2021 13:16

Her kids would do better to be away from both parents. Violence and drug taking.
Report what you know. Keep your distance.

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 13:23

She said it's been reported, I do believe her as she has shared something called a child in need plan, would it be beneficial me still reporting what I know? This event happened a few months ago now and to be honest, I was surprised they got off so lightly. All the children are still under the same roof, the attendance of her child is shocking at school, I'd hazard a guess it's under 70%. I often collect my son and will note they aren't there again, how can SS let it get like this? When she told me the story and said she'd been reported, I expected the Dad to have been told to stay away?

OP posts:
Mariell · 02/09/2021 13:25

Personally I would drop her like a hot potato.

These people are responsible for their own actions and only drag others down with them even its ‘just’ emotionally.

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 13:34

I am having a hard time myself recently due to a 3 bereavements that happened very close together. I am concerned she has picked up on the fact I am less available (I have made myself less available to make distance) and that is why she is suddenly being friendly with other people i know. I recently made contact with an old friend who moved away from the area and has returned, she provides a service and suddenly my friend who I am trying to distance from got in touch with her to specifically use her and has added her on all SM platforms. (There is no connection between them) I am finding this quite odd, I want to drop it completely but she is finding ways to stay in my life. It's all a bit secondary school ish behaviour and on top of what I know, it's really making me feel uneasy.

Also, I am genuinely frightened of her husband, he comes across very charming but I've heard him turn and show the real side of himself. Any reports from me would have to be carefully worded and I need to ensure I don't potentially mention details that are just known by me as I worry I'll put myself at risk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 13:48

Anyone have any advice on submitting an anonymous report of concerns? Really worried I'll drop myself in it

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 02/09/2021 13:55

School have a duty of care. I would voice your concerns to a teacher. They will not be able to say much back to you I don't think but you can just say what you have seen.

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 14:05

I never thought of the school.

She claims that her kids poor attendance is that they all suffer with anxiety and bad tummies, but I am really sure these non-attendances coincide with days I wake up to messages on my phone that have been sent at 4am.... she has said that her partner buys this and they have enough to go on till 5am which would make sense why she is unable to get up each day for school runs.

I feel like this is very specific and could easily drop me in it but I am really sure this is what is happening, Maybe I could word it in a way without mentioning drugs and just say I receive erratic messages late an then notice that her children are not in school the following day? Maybe that would be enough to trigger someone to look into it

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 02/09/2021 14:39

If there is no sober adult in the house while you believe both parents are out of in on drugs you need to say that to school too. No question. Put yourself in the shoes of the child who is enduring this. You might have it wrong, you could say that to school too, but if you don't then the kids are currently at huge risk. What if something happened while they were out of it? Weigh that against your fear of being outed and then see which sits more easily for you. We all have a duty as parents to look out for other children too.

FrancescaContini · 02/09/2021 14:44

@concernedfriend88

I am having a hard time myself recently due to a 3 bereavements that happened very close together. I am concerned she has picked up on the fact I am less available (I have made myself less available to make distance) and that is why she is suddenly being friendly with other people i know. I recently made contact with an old friend who moved away from the area and has returned, she provides a service and suddenly my friend who I am trying to distance from got in touch with her to specifically use her and has added her on all SM platforms. (There is no connection between them) I am finding this quite odd, I want to drop it completely but she is finding ways to stay in my life. It's all a bit secondary school ish behaviour and on top of what I know, it's really making me feel uneasy.

Also, I am genuinely frightened of her husband, he comes across very charming but I've heard him turn and show the real side of himself. Any reports from me would have to be carefully worded and I need to ensure I don't potentially mention details that are just known by me as I worry I'll put myself at risk to.

You’re scared of him - how do you think the child/ren feel/s???

I can’t believe you haven’t yet thought of contacting the school.

If I knew these people, I would be calling SS every day.

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 14:45

It's not really the outing I'm worried about, it's the husband I am genuinely scared of, not just for me, for my family so perhaps I should of worded it that way. My kids are only young to, it's just a fucked up situation all around

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 14:47

I'm scared of him because of my own child to who has autism, I also have various health conditions to and have lost both my parents in the past year. Why do you think I feel so anxious?

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 02/09/2021 14:49

Also thank you to the replies not judging how hard this is, I've seen the cin so know they are under ss already which is the only thing that's stopped me right away despite being terrified.

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 02/09/2021 15:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 04/09/2021 12:57

I reported this and nothing came of it, they have written it off as malicious and won't take it any further

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 05/09/2021 15:22

Bump

Just to add I reported everything I knew and nothing happened, it all got filed as malicious, they didn't even test the parents, I am shocked and I feel very sad for the kids living like that but the case has been completely closed. I can now see why this country has so many serious case reviews

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 05/09/2021 19:22

Any advice please - I supplied lots of detail and if has been dropped, I am worried of reporting again as it's been filed as malicious and what if they want to find out where the reports are coming from it will out me I don't know what more I can do I am in shock that the case has been closed

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/09/2021 19:29

Could you ask to speak to the school safeguarding officer and ask for their advice without mentioning names?

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 05/09/2021 19:43

That is an idea - should I mention I have already reported my concerns and nothings happened? I at least thought they would investigate it but nothing. I feel like if something happens again I'll feel so guilty but I don't know what else I can do

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/09/2021 19:46

I meant discuss with them what's happened and it's been put down a malicious. It's actually worrying that the parents have seemingly pulled the wool over SS eyes. Do they have a nice home, decent income etc?

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 05/09/2021 20:13

Yes I'd say so, it's a five bed semi detached, 3 nice new cars, both have good incomes and they have a second home in Spain to. I'm really in shock, can't help but think if they were a lower income family in a council house this would of been come down on very heavily

OP posts:
TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 05/09/2021 20:21

How do you know it has been filed as this, and then dropped?

Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 05/09/2021 20:40

She told me! She messaged and said the police came over and questioned her and her kids in separate rooms, she said they were confident it was malicious and claims they said it's case closed!

OP posts:
legoriakelne · 05/09/2021 20:50

@concernedfriend88

She told me! She messaged and said the police came over and questioned her and her kids in separate rooms, she said they were confident it was malicious and claims they said it's case closed!
That's not really a reliable source, is it?
Original poster
concernedfriend88 · 05/09/2021 20:57

Maybe, just not sure why she would lie, she is convinced the reports are from the school

OP posts: