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Original poster

Tips for being “above it” with ex

18 replies

Mumoblue · 01/09/2021 08:50

I broke up with my ex last year - unfortunately I have to see him once a week so he can have visitation with our 1 year old (I’m working on reducing the time he and I are in the same space but can’t change this yet).

He’s very good at gaslighting and saying things to wind me up. I want to “rise above it” but sometimes find myself arguing back. For instance the last time I saw him he called his new girlfriend (who he is ‘dating’ long distance and he has never met in person) “DS’s stepmum”, which I strongly object to. I felt like I had to say something because I don’t want my son to be confused. This random person my ex hasn’t even met yet is certainly NOT DS’s stepmum.

Long story short, we always end up bickering.

Has anyone else here had a ex like this? How do you rise above it? Sometimes I feel like I have to argue back, like in the above example.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 01/09/2021 08:56

Laugh when he calls her his stepmum ask when the wedding was

A lot of mmmm ok

Redirect towards the child try playing with ds he likes playing xyz game

Step into the other room do you need to supervise or can you be in the room next door? (I used to paint my downstairs toilet and kitchen when my ex was around)

KurtWilde · 01/09/2021 09:00

I was in much the same situation when I split with my exh, we had to spend time in the same space while he saw our youngest DC. It was SO hard to not be drawn into the 'old ways' so to speak - as in the dynamic we had in the relationship where he'd say something purposeful provocative and I'd bite every time. You have to learn not to bite. Hear his bullshit, take a breath, mentally tell him he's a fuckwit, but say nothing.

It took me ages to get this right, there was a lot of resentment on his part because I did the leaving after he was emotionally abusive. He knew exactly which buttons to press! It does get easier, I know that's what they always say, but it's true in this instance. Meet his crap with an eye roll or a sigh in a 'here he goes again' way and then let it go. And engage as little as possible when you're not in the same space. In fact engage as little as possible when your ARE in the same space!

KurtWilde · 01/09/2021 09:06

Oh and he's 100% calling her that to wind you up, these ex's do like to get a little dig in if they can, any way they can. They like a reaction because the reaction - to them - shows you still care enough to argue.

Theunamedcat · 02/09/2021 07:29

@KurtWilde

Oh and he's 100% calling her that to wind you up, these ex's do like to get a little dig in if they can, any way they can. They like a reaction because the reaction - to them - shows you still care enough to argue.
Absolutely this with bells on ^^

My ex used to say shit to the kids knowing it would get back to me like do you think when your 18 your mom will allow you to drop in for a cuppa or will she still be controlling you then 🤔 he is almost the same size as me at age 12 how exactly can I stop him 🙄

HugeAckmansWife · 02/09/2021 08:09

Yep. Literally the only thing you can do is ignore it. My ex will always reference and include his stepchild when I ask him about our children 'all 3 of them will...' it's 100% trying to make some kind of point (not sure what). Your DS is too young to cop on to the word 'stepmum' so I wouldnt worry too much about that yet. As pp said, just raise an eyebrow, nod and smile, leave the room ideally.

MooBoom · 02/09/2021 09:38

Silence is golden - absolutely ignore him, he sounds like he’s trying to piss you off deliberately and get a reaction as some people thrive in winding others up.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 02/09/2021 09:42

Just smile. Say nothing.
It will destroy him.

Orgasmagorical · 02/09/2021 09:47

The less you say the better. Know that he is doing it to wind you up and get a reaction. Play bingo in your head with the shit he comes out with so you're concentrating on the bingo rather than being wound up. He's a little boy ramming at all the buttons hoping that one will work. Grey rock as much as you can.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 02/09/2021 09:59

Bullshit bingo and 'don't be so fucking ridiculous' eye rolls are the way to go.

It's shit. It'll get so much easier, I promise. Eventually you'll see him for the pathetic fool he is rather than the manipulator he feels like at the moment, and then, click your Ruby slippers together as you realise you had the power all along.

Dizzy1234 · 02/09/2021 10:13

The old MN go to phrase "oh how lovely" or "that's nice, dear" every time he tries to wind you up, don't engage any further.
He says "stepmum said xxxx" you reply "oh how lovely"
If I were in your place he'd get bored before I would 😊
You know he's trying to wind you up, do it back, not engaging will drive him nuts

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/09/2021 10:17

Your son is 1 and doesn't understand " step mum".
If you have to see him, you hand baby over, pop in EarPods and read a book, while he parents.
Don't engage.
Simple!

KurtWilde · 02/09/2021 10:17

Yep agree with Dizzy about those kinds of responses. I learned well from reading MN over the years and it really helped me disengage. The bullshit bingo keeps your mind away from feeling provoked too, you soon realise what a loser he actually is and that he's just out to wind you up.

Ostryga · 02/09/2021 10:36

Yep just smile and nod. Even if he starts saying the most outrageous things don’t rise to it. And be happy knowing that you’re winding up him up FAR more that way than arguing.

I used to have to literally bite my tongue to stop me snapping at DD’s dad. What I will say is after 3 years of very non-emotional communication, not arguing and not rising to the bait we have a really, really good co-parenting relationship now.

So it is definitely worth it. You’ve just got to put the effort in now. Even if he doesn’t improve you’ll feel far better for being the bigger person and not rising to it.

Original poster
Mumoblue · 02/09/2021 11:39

Thanks for the responses, I do know he’s doing it to wind me up- the trouble is that it works!
I’ll try harder to bite my tongue and not engage so much. I know I’m complicit too because I do tend to start feeling like “oh we’re getting along so well today surely we can have a normal conversation”, and I need to realise that feeling is essentially a trap.

The “step mum” thing did infuriate me. Mostly because this is a woman my ex has never met, but he’s already vaguely planning (no date or anything as it won’t be soon) on her moving in with him (at his parents house!), and I feel like we need appropriate boundaries so my son isn’t introduced to a rotating cast of “stepmums”. I’m hoping that me shutting it down last time will have worked because I know I’ll find it difficult to bite my tongue.

I realise I’m too stubborn, and that’s why he’s able to get to me.

I’m going to practice my “grey rock”. Blush

OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 02/09/2021 12:40

My ex makes snide comments about me having met someone even though he left me for another woman

I just ignore the comments and be polite

RandomMess · 02/09/2021 13:31

Do you have stay physically in the same room? Can they be in the lounge and you the kitchen?

HugeAckmansWife · 02/09/2021 13:51

I think it's important to remember that you actually can't have any say on whether he introduces lots of new partners. It sucks and as a parent of course you want to but you have no grounds too. All you can do, if it happens, is support your son and be the one stable sun in his orbit.

Theunamedcat · 02/09/2021 19:59

My ex claimed his ex fiancé children as his own after they split up to goad her and wind her up he literally had it in Facebook publicly proud dad to 9 children...he has TWO children only sees one and wasn't seeing him at the time "due to the pandemic" didn't see hers either they got removed before they even met! His ex went through the roof at him I ignored it she now has a harassment order on her I do not

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