WWYD- new neighbours

[CaddieDawg]

We moved to a new house recently,on a small street of around 10 houses. The process for buying was quite drawn out and we got quite friendly with the lady selling in the meantime. She'd lived in the house for 60 years,raised her family here etc but now her husband had passed away and lockdown loneliness etc meant she was moving to be closer to family. Our daughter is the same age as her daughter was when they moved in,and I think it was a big factor in us getting the house as I'm sure she would have had higher offers. Good area etc etc.

Before she moved away, she organised a wine night send off with the neighbours as a thank you for their support during lockdown, and invited us along so we could meet everyone before moving in. We thought this was lovely and as the sale hadn't gone through at this point, a good way to suss everyone out!

The house is a semi so the neighbours next door were invited, along with the people at the back who's garden backs on to ours, the people directly opposite from the front of the house and another neighbour further down. All were lovely and we got on well (wine helps ).

Fast forward to now, everyone has been lovely but it's a quiet street and we've not really seen much of anyone. Fine by me as I'm quite introverted! However next door did happen to mention in passing that the people in the house down from them are a 'nightmare' and caused lots of drama from when they moved in for years. She said you won't see much of them as unfortunately the lady had a stroke a couple of years back and doesn't keep well now, so all's gone quiet. She didn't go into any detail and sort of moved the conversation on before I could ask any more.

Literally the same day a card and chocs were dropped through the letterbox from this woman at about 11pm. We've been in the house around 2 months now and haven't actually seen them even in passing. In the card shes very formal and says how she's lived here since the early 80s and knows everyone on our little street, then leaves a number for me "to book in a mutually convenient time to come round for tea/coffee"

I've a horrible feeling it's a way to try and drag me into some ongoing drama, but then again I don't know this woman so don't want to judge her without giving her a chance either! It does feel weird going to a randoms house for tea when we've never even met, but this might be a handover from lockdown and not really visiting people we do know for so long! WWYD?

I think you should do whatever you would normally have done before the other neighbours warned you off.
Be cautious but make up your own mind

Say thanks for chocolates when you see her & agree that coffee sometime sounds great. People do change but you don’t have to agree to coffee yet, you said you’ve not really seen her?

If your neighbour hadn't of told you they have previously been a nightmare you would have been none the wiser, so just do what you would of done previously to knowing.

Make up your own mind about her. People change and interpretations of the truth differ.

I would meet the woman and make my own mind up, not take gossip as fact. This is especially the case since some vocal complainers have tried to run a very vulnerable neighbour of mine into the ground. I’m glad I gave him the time of day.

Oh that was sweet of her. Tbh I've learned the hard way more than once listening to other people's opinions before getting to know the person and making my own mind up.

I have scum of the earth living next door to me, but the rest of the estate think she's lovely.

You never know she could be very nice, or maybe not. Maybe she's the one hard done by, by the other neighbour.

I'd pop a note through thanking her and if you want to arrange a coffee then go for it.

Not the same thing (but almost). I started a new job and was warned about a man who HATED AND LOATHED the entire staff team.
I was incredibly wary and when I finally met him I was so polite but he was an angel of a man, absolute salt of the earth kinda guy.
Turned out he had a row 15 years ago with the only original staff member who worked there and she had turned everyone else against him down the years.
I felt so sorry for him.

In easier words….makeup your own mind but stay out of any bitchiness and pettiness.

Yes, I think that's a good idea, meet and decide for yourself. You sound like a natural listener so can't imagine you'd easily be dragged into anything. Remember you don't have to say yes to anything if your gut says no! X

I agree, you wouldn't have been any the wiser and you don't know if it's actually the next door neighbour with the axe to grind.

It's the same where I live on my little close, two neighbours don't get on but depending on who you listen to you'll get very different stories.

Use your own judgement, not someone else's.

Yeah meet and see… what she did was really nice and a nasty person wouldn’t tend to do that. Maybe she does have her own side to tell and they all ganged up on her for whatever reason…
And you’ve got a box of chocs to scoff! X

Go for coffee, make up your own mind once you have met her

As others have said, use your own judgement. When I moved into my new house my next door neighbour was the Queen Bee and gleefully waged war on anyone she didn't like and encouraged everyone else to join in. She was particularly nasty to a family opposite and even lodged an objection to their building/extension plans when she had moved out (she rented her house so was still technically the owner) successfully.

I never got involved and it took me a long long time to realise just what a nasty bitch she was. She came across as everyone's friend and was the lynchpin to all sorts of social events (book clubs etc) and seemed very popular but it eventually became obvious exactly how spiteful and nasty she actually was.

I think it’s actually very manipulative and a bribe to make you feel (force) you to go.
If you go, you’re going to be ‘captured’ on her territory.
She can’t do much, but do not get embroiled into anything because it’s very likely she’ll want you on her side.

This kind of thing has the opposite effect on me. It makes me think about the person who warned me off. Go for a cuppa with the poor woman.

Yes, go, listen and trust your instincts. However (and it's a big one!), there must be something at the bottom of the rumours so it may turn out that your new friends are right after all. I hope you can see good in her and you aren't forced to take sides. Didn't anyone say why she wasn't invited/didn't come to the wine evening? Sounds like a great place to live, btw.

Thanks all. I think you are right I need to at least go and make my own mind up! I think it was just the formal almost summonse in the card along with what my neighbour mentioned that put me off.

I always believe there are 3 sides to every story, what each side thinks happened and then the truth so don't really want to get involved about past issues.

No idea why they weren't invited to the wine night, there were no issues or anything gossipy mentioned even when the night was getting on a bit.

I think you are doing it right. Just be polite to everyone and don't get drawn into drama or comments about individuals (though that's not always easy). I've recently taken on a new role at work (in a job I've held for over 15 years) and there's drama and tensions galore, with real and perceived grievances on all sides. I'm polite to them all, but don't get involved in the general slaggings-off. I listen, don't pass comment against whichever party is the topic of the hour and have a standard "I wasn't there at the time, so I can't really comment", or "I don't really know enough about the history/situation" type responses which seem to satisfy, even if it frustrates some wishes for prolonged ranting. None of it's helpful in the long term and it doesn't help anyone's present or potential situations.

I have no doubt that I'll slip up soon somehow - but I think you have the same advantage as I do in this sort of situation: you weren't there when this drama (if there is any actual drama) had its beginnings and evolution so you can legitimately be neutral and decline to comment.

I hope it will all be well and that you have very happy times in your new place.