How can I help my friend?

[SkyeBoater]

Name changed as this is outing. I would really appreciate some help with this situation because I don’t know what to do.

A very good friend of mine has been ill for some time (years) with depression and anorexia. She lives alone and I have not seen her since before the first Covid lockdown. At that point, she was taking antidepressants and having talking therapy each week - I know this went online during lockdown, and I presume she is still doing these things although I don’t know for sure. But I think she is very socially isolated. She is not in contact with her family and I do not think she sees any other friends either. She occasionally responds to my texts but usually only every couple of weeks or so and then only very briefly. Covid was a difficult time for her as for so many and I think it must have had an adverse effect on her mental health which was already fragile.

So - I think I am the only friend she is in contact with. She tells me she is “ok”, replying to a text maybe once every couple of weeks but no more. I text fairly regularly, and sometimes call her though she never answers. She has come off social media & WhatsApp. We live about 90 minutes away and I have always respected her boundaries and only visited her if invited. I’ve tried to set up meetings or visits but it never happens.

I don’t know how to help her but I am really worried. I think that her eating disorder has probably got worse and perhaps she doesn’t want to see me because of that. I know that in the past she has had times when she has been very desperate - and when things have been bad, she has retreated into herself in just this manner. I am scared she may be seriously ill and have no one to look after her.

How do I help? I thought I could try just turning up at her flat, but I don’t think she would let me in. I am so worried for her and I want to help and support her, but I understand that I may need to respect the fact that she just doesn’t want to see me at the moment.

If anyone has any advice for me or has dealt with a similar situation I would be grateful to hear about it. Maybe I sound like a horrible interfering idiot. I just want to help and support my friend but I don’t know how.

Does she have any family and is she in contact with them?

Thanks so much for replying. She has a sister with whom she is not really in contact - I’ve asked the sister and they have not spoken in months. She hasn’t seen her mum in nearly two years. I’ve told her sister I am worried but her mum has her own health worries (we are in our 40s, her mum is nearly 80) and I know my friend won’t want to see her in any case. No other family.

I would write her a letter, perhaps accompanied by some flowers and tell her that although you have t seen her for ages, she is often in your thoughts and if ever she needs to chat or wants help with anything then you are there for her in whatever way she chooses.

Turning up out of the blue could make her feel very anxious so I would not advise that.

There is a lot of speculation in your post. You simply do not know how she is only that her replies are short and that she is not forthcoming about her physical and emotional health.

Do not mention these things, just the fact you have not seen her in a very long time and that your care about her and miss her.

Thank you, that is a really good idea. I have sent her cards from time to time saying I am here for her if she needs me. I should say - I see now it’s not clear from my post - that she is a very dear friend whom I’ve known since childhood, and I consider her like a sister. I really miss her. But I’m trying to focus on putting her needs first and if she needs me to back off I’ll do that - I just don’t know what’s best. Flowers and a letter are an excellent idea, thank you.

You sound like a really kind friend. You could possibly be a bit more open and say something along the lines of: the pandemic has been hard on everyone, and you’re rather worried about her. Say you don’t want to intrude but you want to be a good friend. Perhaps in a nice card.

Here’s some links to general advice on supporting in case you haven’t already seen them:

www.blurtitout.org/resource/supporting-someone-depression/

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/worried-about-a-friend-or-family-member/

Thank you SparklingLime Those links look really helpful, I will have a read and just try to be present for my friend as much as I can.

As someone who had anorexia many moons ago and depression on and off for a long period: there is a risk that messages offering support can seem a bit threatening- in the sense that if you are trying to hide the situation it can feel as though people are trying to interrogate you and make your problems public. I’d suggest keeping in touch without making her feel like it’s about you being supportive of a problem (with her) that you suspect. Maybe say you’ve been feeling isolated / miss seeing your friend over the last year and would like to catch up?

That’s helpful to hear - I do sometimes feel like I am haranguing her a bit as well. It’s hard because I am trying to be honest - and I am worried about her - but I can see how that could feel threatening. I’ll try to focus on how I’d like to see her or just chat in order to catch up. Thank you.