Please help..husband gay?? Get a divorce?

[Catcha]

Hi all, I'm new to mumsnet, need some advice here. Got a 3 year old and 4 month old. A husband who is not from UK originally.

Been with husband for 10 years now, I found out by a bit of investigating that 6 months after getting married, he'd been using trans porn, gay porn and had messaged men on Craigslist asking for sex.
He contacted a guy the day before our wedding.
He denied the whole thing, then admitted it, then said he has never acted on it and only messaged a guy once.
I told his sister who wasn't shocked, apparently husband has slept with her gay friend before.

I felt very betrayed but gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. We put it all behind us as we had lots of sex and were generally happy.

Fast forward 10 years and hubby has been slack on deleting history. Back to trans porn, visiting gay/trans escort sites and I even found he downloaded grindr. He downloaded it while he visited his home country just after baby was born.

Husband doesn't know I know this. I'm feeling deceived. Already had massive trust issues after the first instance. I don't know if he acted on anything but its not the point is it, the intent was there.

I don't want to be the woman who wastes her life with a beard as they say.
We never have sex anymore, and I'm repulsed now anyway. He is a miserable person and so lazy, I literally do everything.
So I'm seriously considering a divorce. I'm sure husband will leave back to home country and leave his kids. I'm so devastated for my little boy, his dad is his super hero. Do I stay for my son?
My children are my everything, I don't want to damage them

Why did he marry you and have kids with a women if his gay?

Divorce him. He can still be a great dad, lots of single dads are.

There is a private group on FB called I think SPA where people in this very situation offer each other support and advice.

Maybe u can find them for inspiration.

Yes, leave, move on. Your son is young, he will adjust, his dad will still be his hero. Be a super mum and parent as well as you can separately. But get on with your life now. Good luck and in time I am sure you will find happiness.

No, you don't stay for your son. This sounds like a totally miserable situation for you. You do not have to live like this. He sounds like a lazy waste of space, certainly not any kind of super dad. You and your kids will be fine without him

If you divorce him, how he responds, and whether he leaves the country is down to him

You have him a chance to be a father twice over despite all the evidence showing that he prefers sez with men to women.

That must really hurt but sadly it’s better to have one lot of hurt now than to prolong the distress by staying with him and he then dumping you down the line.

The fact that he is lazy and miserable isn’t great either.

I hope you can be pro active in finishing with him, then he can be who he really wants to be and your children can be raised without conflict.

Leave him. It will be his choice if he stays as a parent and maybe he will. Maybe he's lazy because he's unhappy. I'm not saying it's your job to fix that by any means. You can only fix things for yourself and you do deserve more out of life. The deceit alone would have me showing the door

Get rid this won’t change, he can still be a dad if he wants, you deserve so much better.

I think the main thing here is he is cheating, lying, putting your health at risk and hurting you with his behaviour. Is that what you want your children to grow up seeing?

He could be bi with a preference for men not gay, so your whole relationship hasn’t necessarily been a lie, but I don’t think he’s a good person and you deserve better.

Oh love I was in your position. I divorced him. It was the deceit that did it for me.

get rid. hes lying and cheating

also get an STI check - sorry

I know this must be a hard situation, but I would 100% be kicking him out and serving him papers. It's on him if he chooses to leave his son and move, but if he does then he really didn't deserve to be in it in the first place.
You deserve to be happy and find trust and love with someone else!

So I'm seriously considering a divorce.

You should be actively pursuing a divorce with the help of a solicitor by now. Your husband is a liar, a cheat, and he's gay. Your marriage is a complete and utter sham. It needs to end.