Am I expecting too much?

[angielou791417]

I have friends I have been friends with for 15 years, one has been closer than the other but both have been people I class as close friends. We met when our children were babies so have had a close involvement I'm eachothers child's lives and seen them grow up.
Our daughters see eachother on and off and at school but they see eachother as families socially which is not an issue.
The thing I'm struggling with is this past year my daughter has been self harming and also took an overdose. I'm not 100% sure but I find it difficult to think their daughters havnt told their parents or the parents havnt noticed the scars on my daughters arms and leg.
None of these friends have mentioned it to me, which I kept thinking was out of some kind of respect as I havnt mentioned it, but it's been so long now and these girls have hardly bothered to contact my daughter, and she has seen pictures of then together all over social media. I'm hurt their parents havnt encouraged them to reach out and encourage her to join them or reach out to me.
I'f it was one of their daughters I would have made a big effort to include them in plans and spoken to my friends and supported them.
I guess I feel a bit abandoned for me and daughter am I over reacting or expecting much?

Friendship groups often change as you get older. Just because they where friends as babies doesn’t mean they have to stay friends.

The parents probably didn’t say anything to you as you didn’t talk to them about it.

It’s tough but focus your energy in supporting your daughter rather than worrying about trying to force a friendship

I can see why you would expect or at least hope for more. A trip out all together initiated by one of the other mums, or asking you if your DD is OK. Unfortunately many people avoid distressing emotional issues. I can see why you feel disappointed though.

It’s possibly too much to expect from young teens though. How old are they?

Hi they are 15, I know it's a bit much to expect the kids to think of supporting my daughter but I guess I thought the parents would, I would be so upset and wanting to help if it was one of their daughters but maybe I'm expecting others to do what I'd do and that's not fair,?

Are they generally friends at school now?

How often do the girls all see each other?

Did you not ever want to talk it though with them, OP?

The girls may not have noticed at all.

If my child had told me something deeply personal about a friends child then I wouldn't mention it until my friend did. I would assume they either didn't want me to know, or didn't want my support for whatever reason.

If you need friends to be there for you don't rely on teenagers gossiping and reach out.

I really hope your dd gets the support she needs, and that you do ask for support for yourself

They won't have told their parents. And as a parent I wouldn't encourage them to contact. These things are very personal and although you know what your DD is dealing with, you don't know what theirs are. Many grown ups would find a friend self-harming extremely difficult to deal with, never mind a teenager.

There is some social contagion with self-harm and substances so any encouraging of my DD would go with a healthy dose of concern.

I wouldn't encourage my child to reach out to someone self harming.
Simply because I've witnessed it as a teen myself with a few friends, saw the contagion side of it and struggled to know how to help those that were doing it. Its a shitty position to be in, especially for a child so maybe that's why the parents of the other girls haven't encouraged them to reach out.

I hope both you and DD are getting good support.

Do you know for sure these girls know about the self harm and overdose? Are they still friends or in the same friendship group? Even if they do know, there is absolutely no guarantee they will have told their parents. Last year we found out a friend's DH had been seriously ill in ICU for 3 months. It turned out our DS knew as he is good friends with their son. But he had asked him not to tell anyone, which he assumed also meant us, so he didn't say anything.

And you cannot assume your friends have noticed any scars. If you have not raised it with them then they may feel it is something you wish to keep private and don't want to discuss.

Hi thanks everyone for the comments it has really made me think. I never considered the fact the parents may be concerned about the contagious nature of this and I 100% agree it is a factor in lots of cases or self harm, although these particular friends are a bit more of the " what a load of nonsense " these things are group of people, it's definitely given me a point I never considered before.
I supose I'm just so caught up in the horror and worry of our situation I didn't see it from another's perspective. I do have other friends I'm taking to and my daughter is getting help I guess I just needed to chat it out, thank you it's been very helpful xx

Take care of yourself!

OP, so sorry you and dd are having such a tough time.

Whatever reasons the other girls or parents have, justified or not, they are not thinking about your dd or you but themselves. You are not expecting too much but you also shouldn't waste mental energy on them.

You are a great support to your dd. I would be upset for her too.