Life balance

[Houserenoqueen]

Lying in bed feeling miserable about work tomorrow. Would love to know what you would do in my shoes.

We have two small children. We had planned childcare for 2 days, GPs for 2 days (they were happy to do this) and I would go down to 4 days a week. Just before I returned to work from mat leave, grandparents decided it was too much. Nurseries have an 18 month waiting list, so we have a nanny.

Nanny costs us £3k a month, and after paying her plus commuting costs I am earning almost nothing (yes DH and I share her costs but saying this to illustrate the point). I am miserable listening to someone else play with them every day (I am wfh and will be 50% of the time from Sept) and it seems pointless when I am earning nothing. I am spending every evening cleaning up, sorting the washing and catching up on work, and every early morning making their food for the day. Many of the nanny perks are not happening (ie cooking and kids’ washing). Whilst I am PT, my job hasn’t changed so I am squeezing a FT job into 4 days.

I also have major fears that I’m missing watching them grow up. We lost a child before them, and have since had miscarriages so think that adds to the fear.

If I resign we will need to move pretty quickly. We love our house but can’t afford the mortgage without me working.

Is this just how it is? Would you stick it out (if so, why?)? Would you resign and move to the country/ spend more time with kids?

I would definitely choose a much simpler lifestyle.
I only ever worked.part time in the evenings, my husband looked after our two chikdrsn, so no childcare costs. It meant l got to spend a lot more time with them, we went out and about all over and l have lovely memories and wouldn't swap it for the world.
My sons are much older now, l still live a simp!e life, and much happier and less stressed because of it. We don't need half the materialistic things we think we do.

If all your wage goes on the nanny... Why would you be in a worse position financially if you give up work and no longer have a nanny?

Op, I sympathise and I think many parents on here have felt the same.

I stick it out, because we didn't have much choice. Things did get gradually easier - our children got their free hours at nursery, then they started school. As they got older, they became less physically demanding (eg they can entertain themselves).

They big advantage about sticking it out was that I'm more senior now and have more flexibility to work from home, so I can be around for them more.

Going back to you, your proposal to move to thr country sounds like a knee jerk reaction to your current unhappiness. Are you going to be happy in the countryside with a much different pace of life? Away from your support networks? Will you be looking to return to work in the future? If so, where will you work? Is your partner onboard? Will they resent you staying at home in the long term? Will they be able to find work/change jobs?

Not trying to put you off, but you need to think about the longer term and plan your decision around this.

In the meantime, try and make changes to see if that helps. Push back on work so you are working 4 days. Maybe consider a further flexible working request if you can get a better balance. Get your nanny to prepare children's food and washing etc. Use your weekends for fun time with your children.

@happytoday73

If all your wage goes on the nanny... Why would you be in a worse position financially if you give up work and no longer have a nanny?

I also didn't understand this TBH.

But if you're spending 3k on a nanny, you do really need to look at an alternative. Do you have the option of finding a job that fits in around DH's hours so you don't need childcare? What about childminders in the local area?

As a minimum, you need to get a new nanny who will actually cook for your kids. For 3k a month, I would expect her to shit gold TBH.

@happytoday73

If all your wage goes on the nanny... Why would you be in a worse position financially if you give up work and no longer have a nanny?

Because it is a marathon not a sprint

Childcare was more than my wage but a joint cost. I was a newly qualified professional and my wage went up. Now mid 50s and have a great career and will be retiring in the next 2 years. Full pension.

You make your choice. If I had stopped work then we wouldn't have the house we have (about to be mortgage free) and would be working until 67.

You need to decide what you want short and long term. there isn't an easy or right answer.

Personally, I’d reset expectations with the nanny so that basic house tasks are done and you’re getting more quality time with your kids when you aren’t working. I’d try that first and see how it feels, before making drastic moves like quitting your job and moving.

For comparison, we have our nanny 2.5 days per week. She primarily looks after the kids (ages 4 and 2) but when they are playing nicely she puts on a load of laundry or cleans the washrooms or kitchen. She has a break and has lunch when they nap, and sometimes helps me with basic cooking prep if the kids are particularly easy on a given day (though it isn’t an expectation). She vacuums when they’re getting on her nerves, because toddlers love a good vacuuming session… and if it doesn’t improve their moods at least she doesn’t need to hear them whine for a few minutes! 😝

Working 4 days a week and having 3 with your DCs sounds like a lovely balance to me (assuming you’re able to have family dinner and see them at bedtime?).

For me, when it comes to balancing work against childcare costs, I remind myself that I’m working now to keep up my skills and income in later years, when the kids will be in school (…and then moving out!). Potentially losing out on a career for the sake of 5 or 6 years when my kids are little doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, given that I love my job and worked hard to get here. For what it’s worth, my eldest is starting school next week and doesn’t seem to have been scarred by being in nursery or with our nanny a few days a week. And I’m definitely more sane when I get a few hours away from my toddlers, though I love them to bits!

Ultimately though it’s a very personal choice.

If you are feeling miserable, there is your answer. Life is simply to short to be miserable when you don't have to be.
If you are scared of missing out, i think you should be at home with them if you can.

Life is for enjoying where possible, not lying in bed being miserable

A nanny costing 3k a month. Thats a lot. She sounds pretty hopeless for that amount of money. Id try somebody else. People do take the hit of not earning much because of childcare fees. I would plod on. Unless you can leave and easily get another job in a couple of years.

Urg. Thanks for replies. I got out of bed to do the sweeping/mopping/hoovering....

Apart from the nanny we don’t have a support network. We (I) have lots of friends locally but no one that will babysit (they have their own young children)/ helps us out.

Financially I probably haven’t thought it through or articulated it well! DH could cover the mortgage but things would be tight. Since paying for the nanny we don’t spend money on anything material (eg last abroad holiday was in 2017).

I think in the short term we need to reset expectations with our nanny (not quite to the shitting gold level but close) and shell out for a cleaner again, even if it means we are losing money on my salary each month. Spending quality time with our children is most important to me and these things will help. And longer term we need to reassess. DH would be supportive whatever we choose, and is happy for me to stay at home.

I worked part time evenings and weekends for this reason but still wasn't a great balance as it felt like I had 2 jobs and 24/7!!

Can you reduce to 3 days ?
Would you be able to get one child in for extra day at nursery... More likely eldest if different ages...
Would GP do one day? ... Even if only for one child?

If carry on with 4 days could you do full time hours compressed over 4 days?
The nanny needs sorting... Not acceptable you are doing days food for kids before work and thry aren't doing associated tidying/cleaning.

Your Nanny gets 3k a month? I’m in the wrong bloody job!

When do your children start school? .. Can they do wrap around care around this.. It would help

@happytoday73 would love to do 3 days. Would need to find a different job though as mine is definitely not doable in 3. Think my boss would be open to it (large organisation so other opps). Can’t do compressed hours, I’ve asked. The answer was “everyone is expected to work over and above contracted hours anyway”.

They start school in Sep 2024. GPs probably would do one day a week.

@LibbyL92 me too! In all seriousness, 3k is our outing incl pension etc. not take home pay.