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Original poster

WWYD? Help me cope.

13 replies

DaysLikeToday · 30/08/2021 16:50

Hi.

(I am sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category) - I have been a lurker on this site for quite a while, I’ve seen how supportive everyone here is.

I have recently split up with my husband, terrible break up! SERIAL CHEAT and MANIPULATOR.

We have two sons together aged 6 & 17, my 17 year old has become a real problem!

He has started being very disrespectful towards me, making very nasty comments.

You need to go and get help
This is why my dad left you
I hate you, you’re the reason why I am f*ked up
You always used to embarrass me when I was young.

Now he has started telling me that he is a big man “I’m a big man - I can do whatever I like”

I really don’t know how to tackle this, I have been crying for most of the day. DS17 has gone out, he will not answer his phone… he has been doing the same thing a lot recently, as well as financially abusing me, taking UBER LUX around London, yesterday he called texted me asking me to transfer him £300 to pay his food bill in a very expensive restaurant, we give him a monthly allowance, but apparently he has already spent it.

I am also very worried about his mental health, his girlfriend came by the house this afternoon in tears, he is also being very nasty towards her as well, she also told me that he is doing things and going to places which he would never do or go to before.

I really don’t know what to do, DS6 has asked why he doesn’t love us anymore, he kicked him of his bed this morning which I am still not happy about, when I asked him why he did it.

“I don’t f*cking want him in my bedroom, be responsible for your child”

I am sorry about the spelling/grammar mistakes, not long after I started typing I fell into tears.

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 30/08/2021 16:59

This sounds very difficult - obviously he's a teenager and upset about his dad leaving and not handling it well.

The only thing I can think of to suggest is that I would have turned my phone off at the point he texted to demand £300 and I'd have left him to sort out his bill himself. I certainly wouldn't have obediently transferred that amount of money.

Can he go stay with his dad for a bit? If not, then you need to sit down and tell him that you understand he is finding life shit, but there are house rules he needs to respect - such as speaking to people politely. And if not then he needs to move out as you will be prioritising the 6 year old's welfare. Tell him straight, You think you are a big man? You are not going to damage a 6 year old's mental health with your carry on.

Unforgettablefire · 30/08/2021 17:03

Your son sounds like he’s very hurt and it’s coming out in anger, maybe blaming you for the break up with his dad? Does he know the back story? Is it possible your husband has been filling his head with stuff or is he the same with his dad?
As far as his mental health goes he needs help but sounds too angry to let anyone in, I hope I’m wrong.
Is there a relative he’s close to? I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐

Suzi888 · 30/08/2021 17:06

Time for tough love, if he’s a ‘big man’ he can take himself of to the council and get rehoused OR he can show some respect whilst living under your roof! You are the adult, your house, your cash, your rules.
Can he stay with his dad?

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Relationship problems

Maverickess · 30/08/2021 17:18

You need to go and get help
This is why my dad left you
I hate you, you’re the reason why I am fked up*
You always used to embarrass me when I was young.

The last 2 are pretty standard for teens, the first two sound like the influence of the ex. Either from your time together (did ex say these types of things?) Or from when he's got contact with dad now.
I'd make it clear that you understand he's struggling at the moment, but you're not going to be treated in this way - and back it up. The conditions of him remaining in the family home are that he treats you and his younger brother with respect and civility, and failure to do so means he has to leave.
No more extra money, and in fact no more money at all unless it's for essentials like college travel etc. Cut off any access to anything financial like the Uber account (I'm assuming he uses them on your account?) And he gets his allowance and that's it.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and him. Offer help, but certainly not financial or by letting him dictate how things happen at home. I think you've got to make it clear you're not turning your back on him, but you're also not going to let him behave towards you and your younger son how he pleases.

honeygriff · 30/08/2021 17:18

I've had a lot of trouble with my teens after my abusive relationship. The things that have helped was me doing a recovery tool kit course to help with the aftermath of a traumatic relationships. This showed me my boundaries were weak. I've learned how to be firm, say no and not tolerate disrespect. I'd start with cutting out privileges like money, phone & WiFi. Frankly this is hideous in the beginning but if you can navigate it safely it gets better. However you and your younger child do need to be safe. I had great support from my local women's aid. I hope you find some help.

HollowTalk · 30/08/2021 17:21

What was your son's reaction when he heard you were splitting up? Did you make the decision and tell him? Did he see anything of his dad's bad behaviour?

Does your son see his dad now or keep in contact? Is your ex slagging you off to him?

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 30/08/2021 17:21

He bucks up or goes and lives with his dad.
If he phoned for extra money, you tell him to phone his dad.
You do not back down.
You do not allow a child to treat you this way.
If he's a big man then he can deal with it!

Duchess379 · 30/08/2021 17:24

What a delightful 17yr old! Just to reiterate what has already been said. Tell him his options are to go live with his dad or show some respect in your house. And I certainly wouldn't be indulging his expensive eating habits. What's next, texting asking you to forward £40k for the new BMW he's bought??

TheQueenOfTheNight · 30/08/2021 17:24

Maybe your son has seen your ex treating you disrespectfully, maybe your ex treats lots of people disrespectfully. It's going to be difficult to set boundaries but try for the sake of your younger son. So these are the house rules, we don't speak to each other like that, money is earned, we share the housework... Try to stay calm when reminding him of the rules and be clear that they're not negotiable.
I hope he doesn't need to leave but a stay elsewhere for a while may not be the worst outcome.
Take care

Original poster

DaysLikeToday · 30/08/2021 18:16

There is a backstory to this, I’m going to be transparent as possible.

DH was a serial cheat but I never had any evidence, only the first time he did it when DS17 was 5 years of age.

He not answering his phone, and coming home during the night with no explanation was having a bad effect on my mental health.

I had, had enough… we were arguing (or shall I say arguing with myself, because DH would never argue with me, he would just smirk and shake his head)

I attacked him, which led him to need medical attention, this was during the middle of the night downstairs in the kitchen, DS17 tried to interfere I struck him as well.

I apologise to him every single day, I feel physically sick with guilt. But he has used what happened to his advantage, I paid for a first class 5 star holiday for he and his girlfriend and also bought him a very expensive watch. I have always spoilt both boys due to my own insecurities of them NOT loving me. DS17 from young was never the “I want/can I have child” DS6 is exactly the same.

DH has always had a problem with how I have raised and dressed both boys, and we broken up many of times but always gotten back together. He always said they DS17 would grow to hate me when he gets older, and now it is coming true.

DS17 has not long come home, I’m glad because I would only be sat with anxiety, I asked him if he was ok only for him to say “Yes I’m fine, why are you asking me this” with a look of disgust on his face.

He keeps saying that he wants to move out, because he doesn’t want to be near me. I have told DH what has been going on, but he says it’s not his problem.

OP posts:

TheQueenOfTheNight · 30/08/2021 18:26

Sorry if this is upsetting, but it seems that you are letting your 17yo treat you really badly, and he's had years of watching his dad do the same. It needs to stop. Have you looked into getting some counselling? Your younger son needs a different story. He needs to see you having respect for yourself and demanding it from others.

Original poster

DaysLikeToday · 30/08/2021 18:51

@TheQueenOfTheNight

The boys never witnessed dad treat me badly, I have had lots of therapy sessions but they just don’t seem to work.

It has got to the stage where I don’t want to live anymore, everyday is a struggle, I am so unhappy.

OP posts:

honeygriff · 30/08/2021 20:23

Maybe you need a DV specialist more than a therapist. I was told that DV needs a more targeted approach as therapy can just keep re triggering you. This is a new start for you. It's scary but it's a chance to start to be truly happy. There's no real happiness in an unequal relationship. Just a good day stepping over the eggshells.

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