If you could click your fingers and become single, would you?

[MoiraNotRuby]

Someone asked this on mn a long time ago and I thought 'well yes obviously, wouldn't we all?' - I read the thread and was shocked how many people were genuinely saying of course not, DH/DW/DP makes me so happy. My relationship was such hard work for no benefit and it really dawned on me. If you would click your fingers and end your relationship the easy way that might mean maybe its time to consider ending it albeit the hard way.

This and a million other things have led to me ending my marriage and I am now actually looking forward to an enjoyable life, not a miserable slog of always putting someone else above me and the dc.

So I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who posted on that discussion, and hope someone else reading this realises you don't have to live a miserable life.

No I wouldn’t, companionship is important to me and my marriage and kids give me a purpose, a routine, a structural lifestyle that I’d be lost without if I’m honest. I’m one of those people who can be quite chaotic on my own. My marriage and children keep me grounded and sane.

I know that must have been so hard for you, but this thread has made me happy in a way. I’m so glad for you that your life and future is looking so much brighter. All the best

Good for you op
Life is far too short to be miserable.
Enjoy your new life doing as you wish

Well, it’s great that you ended a bad relationship, but did you genuinely think everyone who was in a relationship was actually deeply miserable and only staying because of the hassle/stigma/financial penalties of separating?

Absolutely not as I have much better MH with a lovely DH than I would on my own.

But absolutely it's pointless if it's otherwise.

Good question! I'm sure many people would as an awful lot of couples separate the hard way every year. Some people probably just can't face the pain and poverty.

Congratulations op! You sound very happy .

Not a chance would I. We had our 22nd Anniversary on Saturday and I was thinking about some of the things we have been through together and whilst some of them were very sad, we are a great team (cheesy I know!!) and we got through it.

I wouldn't change any of it.

It's a good question. I think for a lot of couples even abuse aside it's just not financially practical to split. Especially if they have children.

Well I feel similarly to you so congratulations on leaving and getting your life back, it sounds great.
If I could just be single just like that I probably would if I was financially secure but I couldn’t afford this house on my own and love this house more than I dislike dh sometimes
Can we have a finger click that pays the mortgage too please?

Well done for doing that. It's such an eye opener when you realise not everyone feels the same as you about something like that.

I never knew until a recent thread that it was unusual to not see the point in living. If I could click my fingers and cease to exist without hurting anyone/leaving kids behind I would in a heartbeat and I thought that was normal. Reading that thread has put me on a path to improve the way I feel about living, so I can see where you're coming from.

I really wouldn't, my life is so much happier with my DH.
Maybe a very short term click so I can go back to being 21 again and be worry and pain-free for a weekend or two.
In the whole though no thank you.

Good for you, OP!

Reading your thread title I thought, well, I’m single and if I could click my fingers and be married/living with a man, I would choose not to!

@helentomelon

I have always felt that way about living, and it was only when I mentioned it to my counsellor a couple of years ago that I discovered this wasn’t a typical way of thinking about existence.

No I bloody wouldn't have chosen. I'm not single by choice, I lost my.husband 7 weeks ago, met in our 40s 4 years ago and he was my life, I loved him dearly and we were a team.

I'd give anything to click my fingers and have him back.

Mind you if you had asked me the same question 5 years ago my answer would have been different..I was with twatbag ex then

Yes ! I struggle *feeling responsible for and being around others 24/7 .

• I know I'm not responsible but it's a struggle not to feel that I am .

Blackheartsgirl, I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you are surrounded by caring people.

Thanks for the lovely replies. Yes PallasStrand I did think everyone else was compromising and making do. The older I get the more of a shit deal marriage seemed to be, for heterosexual women, I just kind of thought it was the patriarchy in general. But in my life it is specifically my Stbx and I don't have to put up with it! Admittedly a mortgage paying click of fingers would be great too, financially things are not wonderful but what price mental healthiness...

I wouldn't, but good for you in working out what's right for you.

Yes OP , in a previous existence that is exactly what I would've done given the chance. Happily I've come out the other side now. Im single and LOVE it. I am finally my own person, not defined by the man i am with or having to compromise on how to live my life in order to placate someone else. Bliss. And so very interesting getting to know myself after all these years. Enjoy your freedom.

Five years ago today ex dh was arrested for abuse. So, yes before that I would have done. But like PP, I’m out the other side, single, safe, sane (ish) and happy.

@PallasStrand

Well, it’s great that you ended a bad relationship, but did you genuinely think everyone who was in a relationship was actually deeply miserable and only staying because of the hassle/stigma/financial penalties of separating?

I realised I had internalised that belief not even consciously when I assumed friends from work were unhappy with their husbands because they had been married a long time and was actively surprised when they both said they were really happy and still in love. It was a 'wtf' moment for me.

I remember when I was a much younger woman with a young family, I got talking to someone who was married and child-free. I remember being absolutely astonished that someone would opt to be married when she didn't have to be (i.e. no children). It reinforced to me how unhappy I was being married to my then-husband. So yes, if I could have clicked my fingers then, I would have loved to have been single but with my children obviously.

I hear you, OP

Congratulations, OP. Welcome to the rest of your life

I've been where you were. My first marriage became very hard work after the first few years and I just assumed most couples of our age had equal if not identical difficulties despite seeing lots of evidence that this wasn't the case because I so wanted the marriage to be salvageable. I accepted that it must be my fault and tried harder and harder for years while wondering if I should have stayed single. Then the light dawned. A vicious divorce and almost 20 years later, I'm in a much better marriage, have no desire to be single, and look at my XH from a distance (one of our adult children has maintained a relationship with him) and am relieved I bit the bullet.

No.

Because as I found out with my ex husband, he was even worse and more nasty and vindictive as an ex than as a husband. I was better off on ‘his side’ than being someone he hated for leaving him. It’s been years of hell from him, which I mainly rise above, but it’s been hard on our child.

So while my now dh has his faults and I do dream of sometimes being on my own, I wouldn’t want to be single unless he completely disappeared off the face of the earth.