Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What would you do, mother in law …

27 replies

Parkermumma07 · 29/08/2021 15:37

I’m wanting some advice on what to do in terms of issues with my mother in law.
Me and DH have been married for 10 years together for 20 and have two children 9 and 5 years.
MIL has always been a bit of an issue in that she falls out with friends / family all the time. I can’t really keep up with who she’s talking too and who she’s not.
We’ve always know that her and FIL relationship has issues but we tend to keep out of it really I think it’s one of those things in the family that’s not really talked about!
Last night my FIL turned up at our house in tears saying he just couldn’t take anymore. He told us that for months things have been getting worse in that MIL picks arguments with him on a daily basis. This is over very minor things but they often escalate into her becoming violent towards him, she’s never caused him any injuries mainly because she is only 5 foot tall but that does not excuse in my opinion her using violence ( FIL has never been violent towards her he’s the most placid calm man I’ve ever met). After he came last night my DH decided that enough was enough and FIL could stay with us over night and he would try and help them sort things in the morning.
This morning they went to talk about things and see if they could work something out, MIL was still angry carried on from the night before whilst there she assaulted DH her son by hitting him to his arms and throwing a bar stool at him he wasn’t hurt but that’s not really the point she threw crockery and smashed plates and shouted the most awful vile things at both my DH and FIL, she told my DH that she never wants to see our kids again and that no one takes her side ( the conversation was about moving forward not side taking)
How would you deal with this situation, I do think she may have some MH issues but she will not address this she just screams if the subject is brought up and refuses to engage in a conversation about it.
When I’ve tried to talk to her about it and maybe seeing a doctor she called me a prostitute and accused me of sleeping with her husband ( FIL) just the thought of seeing her is making me feel sick.
I really don’t want her to see my children again but is this being mean and spiteful. She has never hurt my children or done this in front of them however she does make lots of passive aggressive comments towards FIL in front of them.

Any advice of people who have had similar situations would be much appreciated

OP posts:
squashyhat · 29/08/2021 15:40

You cannot fix her and you cannot fix her relationship with her son or husband. If she assaults either of them again encourage them to call the police.

squashyhat · 29/08/2021 15:41

And take her at her word for not wanting to see your children.

SukonthaM · 29/08/2021 15:44

I’d go no contact with her, she’s absolutely vile. And I’d be assisting your fil in leaving her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Berthatydfil · 29/08/2021 15:45

Could this be the start of a dementia type illness?

RandomMess · 29/08/2021 15:47

How old is MIL?

Sparklfairy · 29/08/2021 15:47

@Berthatydfil

Could this be the start of a dementia type illness?
Sorry but if this was a DIL instead you wouldn't be suggesting that. Some people are just abusive.

OP you can't fix her. All you can do is support your FIL. No one should live like this.

Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 29/08/2021 15:50

I don’t think it’s to do with dementia she has been like this her whole life. I do believe there is some MH issues but she won’t accept any help with this.
No contact is my preferred way of dealing with this but didn’t know if that was cruel stopping her from seeing her grandchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 29/08/2021 15:50

She is 65

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 29/08/2021 15:50

It's not mean or spiteful to keep your children away from someone you know to be violent and verbally abusive.

Just because she hasn't been violent in front of your children doesn't mean she won't be. It doesn't mean she won't be violent to them either.

OverweightPidgeon · 29/08/2021 15:50

I was just going to ask the same @Berthatydfil . But if she has a history of this (always falling out with people) then I would cut contact but support your husband in whatever he chooses to do. How awful for you all x

RandomMess · 29/08/2021 15:52

Sounds like it's who she is then so I would step well away and protect yourself and DC. Ask Dh to do the same and do your best to support FIL with what he wants to do.

Thanks
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 15:53

It's not mean or spiteful to keep your children away from someone you know to be violent and verbally abusive.

This this this.

Berthatydfil · 29/08/2021 15:54

If you think that it isn’t any form of medical issue than you would be justified in keeping away from her. And I couldn’t trust her around the children either so just support your fil.

Chloemol · 29/08/2021 15:55

You cannot do anything to help , only she can

However you could have fil to stay for a while and support him in leaving if that’s what he wants to do. And I would certainly not be allowing her to see your kids until she has sought the help she obviously needs

Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 29/08/2021 15:56

You are all right it’s not ok is it,
like others have said just because she hasn’t done this before in front of them dosent mean she won’t and I don’t really need to be taking that risk. Her daughter is already very limited contact with her and I can see why

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 29/08/2021 15:57

Well I think based on what you described l, I'd be cutting her off completely and supporting your FIL with whatever he wants to do going forward after that last display of temper and violence. Have you got space for him to stay with you for now?

Kite22 · 29/08/2021 16:00

I'd let your FiL know about Mankind

Ultimately, I think it is up to your dh to take the lead in what he decides to do, but I think offering your FiL as much support as possible at this time would be high up on my list.
It is much more difficult for men to let people know they have been domestically abused. He will need a lot of support right now, hopefully to leave and put the boundaries in place that he has been struggling with possibly for years.

Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 29/08/2021 16:02

Mankind is an excellent suggestion thank you

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 29/08/2021 16:11

MH issues aren't an excuse for violence. Lots of people suffer with poor MH & manage not to be violent.

And I certainly wouldn't be letting her see the DCs. If she says she doesn't want to see them, take her at her word. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. She's telling you she's violent, manipulative & abusive, she's not above assaulting her husband & son, why do you assume your kids would be safe? Why are you willing to let her keep dripping poison into the ears of your DCs, about their lovely gentle DGF, how long before she starts talking shit to them about you?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 16:14

No contact is my preferred way of dealing with this but didn’t know if that was cruel stopping her from seeing her grandchildren

It's shocking you would even consider allowing your children to be anywhere near this violent, unhinged lunatic. Of course you go NC.

The only thing you should do is help your poor FIL get out of this nightmare.

MzHz · 29/08/2021 16:15

Support your fil. Take him in and keep mil away from you all

She needs help, and your fil needs a breather

Mariell · 29/08/2021 16:32

She is angry and violent which could escalate at any time. At 65 she should have either got help by now or get her emotions and temper in check.

Sadly, she’s probably just a bad tempered misery guts who has got away with their behaviour for decades as no one has properly challenged her.

Your father in law has realised that he doesn’t want to spend his ‘elderly’ years in her company and has had enough.

It’s unlikely that she will ever change nor will she seek any treatment and will die alone and still angry at everyone and in denial about her awful behaviour.

Be cordial to her but get him all the help and support he needs.

Fenellapitstop · 29/08/2021 16:39

You could report this to the police now, both your dh and fil have been assaulted by her

StopGo · 29/08/2021 16:42

If I was you I'd be telling FIL (& DH) that he is a victim of domestic abuse and supporting him in reporting this to police.

Hen2018 · 29/08/2021 16:45

Phone the police.

Help FIL find somewhere to live.

Cut all ties now.