Would you stay or move in my shoes?

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

As briefly as possible, my dp and I have moved house a lot since having our children. We had 3 house moves in 3 years due to his work, and then moved again last year just to be in a nicer area with the intention of that being our last move ever. Our children are 4 and 2 and the oldest is starting school this September. I always was very firm that I wouldn't consider changing their school, that once they were settled then that was that.

The dilemma is that where we live still isn't really where I want to live. I come from a part of the UK with a very strong sense of "identity" and definitely define myself as being "of that place". My whole family still live there and it's where I always imagined raising my children. My dp always said he didn't want to live there as he wanted to live in or near a city and its quite a rural place, but very recently he's changed his mind and said he'll move there if I want. He says the pandemic has changed his priorities. His work have also gone fully remote since then so we aren't bound to a commutor zone any more.

Putting aside how unbelievably annoying it is that he didn't have this change of heart before our last move, I now don't know what to do. This would be our 5th house move in 5 years, but more importantly it would mean changing my oldests school. That's so much disruption. I don't think the 2 year old would care, but my ds will have to leave all his friends and make new ones. On the other hand, they'd be growing up in a much nicer part of the country, near their extended family, they love it there when we visit, and they are still young enough that if we moved now they would grow up with a sense of being "from there". They both have names specific to that area and its important to me that that place is part of their sense of identity.

So what would you do in my shoes? Stay where you are and not disrupt things for the children, or move to your dream location near your family?

I would move but do it soon so it’s not so disruptive for your child with school and also don’t move again!

I would worry that your DP's job won't continue being fully remote and that he might have a change of heart more generally.

I would also think about the practicalities of rural life - it sounds miserable to me to be reliant on a car for everything, have limited childcare options and to have to ferry your teenagers everywhere - but I am biased as a city person.

What about your job/employment prospects?

Definitely move asap, young children are usually fine with changing schools. It'll only get harder as they get older

I'm working part time atm with the plan of going full time once my youngest qualifies for funded hours at nursery. My job is and always has been fully remote, nothing to do with the pandemic.

Yes his job stopping being remote again is a worry. There are jobs he could do at the same salary available where we'd be moving, but it'd be better for him not to have to change jobs.

The ruralness doesn't bother me personally. If we moved it would absolutely be the last time though, so I agree my dp would need to be sure he wasn't going to have another change of heart.

The rural location might not bother you now, but what about in 10-15 years time when you're constantly ferrying the kids around because the last bus home is at 5pm?

If you want this to be your forever home, you need to think very long term. I'm presuming you left as a young adult for a reason?

The extended family is a winner for me. Get the house on the market asap! My son the same age as your oldest makes a new best friend every time we go to the park and yet is shy with his good school friends he hasn't seen for a few weeks. At that age they will settle easily.

I left at 18 to go to university, then moved back after graduating, then moved away again to go back to university, then met dp and had the children. It was always my plan to move back after finishing uni again. Having said that I do take your point, my poor mum did a lot of ferrying me around because of poor public transport when I was a teen.

My main concern tbh is the schools issue. If my ds wasn't starting school this year I don't think it would be a dilemma, but I really worry about making a selfish choice that will negatively effect him.

Thanks WilsonandNoodles that reassuring

I think the extended family thing is worth really thinking about. Again I am biased as I prefer having some distance but I do know people who have moved to be near grandparents and extended family and found it didn't work out, that they didn't want to help or be around as much as expected or they just didn't get on as well as they thought.

And it's obviously about your DP as well, how he would find being around your family a lot too.

Of course you may genuinely get on like a house on fire but I think it's worth discussing and really thinking about

Are you really sure you want to move there? Or are you just unsettled so grasping for something familiar?

What would it be like to live there now as an adult with children. Are the things that are important to you and your kids that you enjoy doing available there? Can you and DH both continue with hobbies, how will he make his own friends and network when working from home so he doesnt end up isolated in this new location?

Will extended families and old friends who have busy and full lives have time for you in reality. Of course they will love the idea.

Does the local school have wrap around care? Not all rurals schools do. Would they even have a place for DS.

I'd give it a year or so and move. Changing your childs school isnt child abuse x

Moving house anytime during primary is fine for kids. They will settle in to a new place in a month or so.

I'd give it a full year in your present location and then think again. The remote work situation might well change in the next year. If it doesn't, you will have a better of what you like/dislike about your current house & will be in a better position to move. No need to do anything in a rush.

All good points, thanks you everyone for taking the time to comment.

How happy my dp would be living there is definitely a big consideration. He's generally quite a laid back person, he can be quite introverted, he likes the arts and culture of being nearer a big city rather than wanting nightlife of any kind. The area we'd be moving to has arts and culture too but not in the same way. In reality though he's happiest at home, I think he likes the idea of going out and doing "city things" more than the reality as when it comes down to it it's usually me initiating and planning things. We don't actually live right in the city, our area is quite green and very nice, I'm not unhappy here at all it just isn't "home".

His family live about an hour in the other direction from mine so we would be moving much further away from them. He is close to his family but in reality we see them less often than my family even though they live closer. His parents are older than mine though, in their 70s and 80s, and his mum especially is in poor health, so that's a concern as well.

My family would 100% want to be involved in our lives if we moved down, I'm very close to them. They come to visit us a lot and we them but it's about a 4 hour drive so we often stay for a week at a time. It'd be so nice to just be able to see them for the day or pop over for tea without it being a massive holiday each time.