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Original poster

How to tell DC about a close friends bereavement

15 replies

Midlifemission · 27/08/2021 15:47

I need to tell my DC about a friend who has very recently lost one of her adult children to suicide.
We are meeting her this evening and obviously the topic will come up so I know I should make them aware.
DC2 is a worrier and I have swept it under the carpet until now to avoid adding to his list of worries.
Can anyone help me with a good way to word this - I don't want to over or under play it.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 27/08/2021 15:50

How old are the children? The best advice is to factual.

bonfireheart · 27/08/2021 16:02

Depends on how old they are, how well they knew the deceased

Original poster
Midlifemission · 27/08/2021 16:03

Thanks @WeAreTheHeroes
They are 10 and 8
DC1 won't bat an eyelid but DC2 is very sensitive and we lost DBil at a young age a few years ago - it really stayed with him.

You are right about being factual. I am probably overthinking but sat in the car trying to find some words .. keep wimping out !

OP posts:
Original poster
Midlifemission · 27/08/2021 16:05

Thanks @bonfireheart
They have never met him but our friend is DC2 godmother and he adores her.
He said to DH the other day ' you always sound sad when you speak to auntie xx'

OP posts:
caramelcracker · 27/08/2021 16:07

I think you should tell him in an age appropriate way, where he can ask questions in private (rather than in front of your friend). I think it would be more difficult if this was brought up and he didn't know, or pieced together bits of a story from overhearing.

There is good advice here about how to manage this situation:

www.winstonswish.org/explain-suicide-to-children/

PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2021 16:07

I'd say that something very bad happened in the family recently and you're worried about your friend because x has died. Then pause to see if your childen ask anything. You could also say that it was a very sudden death and that's why you're particularly worried about your friend. I wouldn't necessarily go into any more than that, and I say that as someone whose husband took his own life when ds was 14.

fuzzymoomin · 27/08/2021 16:08

Did the DC know there adult child who has died, or do they just know the friend who is coming?
If they didn't know the deceased, just keep it brief and factual "when we see Jane tonight you will notice she is sad, this is because her son/daughter died recently, let's be extra-kind to her today".

FoxgloveSummers · 27/08/2021 16:19

I think I'd just tell them "you were asking about Dad sounding sad talking to Auntie X, well she's had some really horrible news recently, her son Y has died and she's obviously really upset. Tonight she's coming over and we won't be able to take her mind off it completely but we're all going to be extra kind." If they asked me what happened I think I'd say e.g. he was very unwell and unhappy and he decided he didn't want to live any more.

I'd also remind them if they have questions to ask you when Auntie X isn't there, as it would upset her to have to answer them.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/08/2021 16:23

I have an anxious child, and I believe that what the research shows helps them the most is always to be honest with them, in age appropriate language. Trying to shield them from things a) doesn't work b) leaves them with the impression that you don't think they can cope with the world.

Use some of the language posted from the link upthread and tell them asap. Good luck.

saraclara · 27/08/2021 16:25

"when we see Jane tonight you will notice she is sad, this is because her son/daughter died recently, let's be extra-kind to her today"

That

I'd also remind them if they have questions to ask you when Auntie X isn't there, as it would upset her to have to answer them.

..and that.

At this point I wouldn't mention how the DC died. It's too close to the friend's visit for your kids to be able to not feel awkward and uncomfortable. And for that not to be obvious to your friend..

Original poster
Midlifemission · 27/08/2021 16:48

Thanks so much everyone I have just done it! I just needed a bit of moral support as I couldn't ask DH as within earshot !
Just used a combination of your suggestions very short and sweet for now.
Phew I feel relieved and now can focus on just being there for our friends I haven't seen them yet as DH went to the funeral while I stayed at home woth kids .
Thank you !

OP posts:
Original poster
Midlifemission · 27/08/2021 17:31

@PermanentTemporary

I'd say that something very bad happened in the family recently and you're worried about your friend because x has died. Then pause to see if your childen ask anything. You could also say that it was a very sudden death and that's why you're particularly worried about your friend. I wouldn't necessarily go into any more than that, and I say that as someone whose husband took his own life when ds was 14.
@PermanentTemporary I am so sorry for your loss - put my fretting into perspective.
OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2021 23:35

God no,.all losses are really difficult. In some ways a loss that is really close at least has no behavioural issues to worry about as it were, we just felt what we felt and did what we needed to. Tbh I would do the same if you can, do what your feelings tell you to do.

Original poster
Midlifemission · 30/08/2021 21:22

@PermanentTemporary
Yes I think following your gut is wise .
We had a lovely time with our friends just to give them an enormous hug felt good .
So so sad my heart breaks for them.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 30/08/2021 21:32

I'm sure they felt your warmth and empathy and it will really have helped Flowers

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