Does everyone lie like this? Does it matter?

[Whaeeelt]

Been with DP over a year. We see each other every few days.

I’ve noticed that sometimes he will say something and it doesn’t add up where work is concerned. He’s in a professional job which is difficult and he works very hard, I’d say 90% of his time is focused on it!! But sometimes he will say things like he’s got a massive day on tomorrow, early start etc, needs to be up and out by 7am. Then the next time he talks about the same day, I will notice he actually went in at 10am. He doesn’t realise I’ve picked up on it as it’s incidental to a wider conversation. It’s hard to explain but there’s loads of instances like this! You know when you just know someone and you can tell something doesn’t add up.

I don’t think anything weird is going on like he’s seeing anyone or is being secretive. But these things crop up a lot including…

Not mentioning he’d met up with a friend for a drink after work (this was because he had cancelled our plans the day before as he thought he would be working late, then he had an unexpected early finish). I guess it’s sweet he hid this in a way..but I also find it odd you wouldn’t just say. I suspect he felt awkward as we rarely go out in the week because it’s all so work focused for us both but particularly him.

He will often exaggerate what time he needs to get up in the morning when I’m staying over. Nearly every time he says he needs to be out by 7am (implying he has a meeting) and then we will still be in bed at 8.

These things probably sound silly but I just find it odd! That said, I realised I hadn’t told DP I was taking holiday this afternoon as it just didn’t occur to me. Maybe I’m reading into it?

Obviously you aren't making enough noise about his Important Job op!

He wants sympathy or wants you out of the way sometimes.

Call him out on it the next time it happens. Just ask “oh I thought you had an early start” etc.

He’s lying - it’s not normal to lie like this.

DH often says "I meed to be in early tomorrow" but then doesn't get up but he is self-employed and a night owl so he knows what he's doing and things change last
minute all the time. I have very flexible work hours too so we both come and go quite randomly. We are both also prone to making social arrangements or deciding to go to eg the gym and forgetting to tell each other till the last minute (no childcare issues as we have teenagers). But its fine because we are both like it. It's not lying, more changing plans and forgetting to mention it / not occurring. If I say "I thought you needed to go in early today" he'll explain and so will I, there's no secrecy, I guess we just don't feel the need to run everything past each other.

A lot of this might be fairly natural - he has good intentions to leave at 7am, but can't be bothered to get out of bed in the morning. He confuses 2 days and thinks he has a busy day on Tuesday but it's actually Wednesday, for example.

I used to lie about a lot of routine things because my parents used to cross examine me about what I was doing when I was a child (and smack me if they disapproved or I deviated from what I'd said). So I started inventing a bland life with not much happening as a self preservation mechanism. And I would never say if things changed because it would cause too many problems. It was a very hard habit to get out of, and I still catch myself doing it now. So he may have experienced something like that in his past? Or possibly a controlling partner?

Sounds like he's bumping his ego a little bit through silly lies when work is concerned. A little odd but not sure I'd worry about it. I'd perhaps mention it each time it happens so he's aware you're noticing the inconsistencies.

Not OK. Not ‘sweet’ to cancel plans with you due to ‘work’ then meet a friend instead.

Sign that he’s unable or unwilling to be honest about his thoughts and feelings.

Sounds like he’s fretting that weekday dates/ late nights/you staying will make him tired or later than he wants to be for work. But expressing this as statements of intent to get up/leave at X time.

Also sounds like he thinks his job is Very Important.

I would keep an eye on it at the very least. If your relationship develops further with marriage and children this habit of his could become a bigger and bigger deal. I would be asking what changed when he doesnt follow through on an early start etc to let him know you noticed and see his reaction. To me it would be unsettling.

Sounds to me like he’s not as busy as he likes to make out but wants to maintain the impression he is. Do you have dc? If not I’d seriously consider my future with him-he will
forever be making excuses (lying) about why he can’t do childcare and/or housework etc.

My 1st thought was does this difficult, professional job even exist?

We rarely go out in the week as its all so work focused for us both, particularly him

Hmmm is it? He's continually lying and exaggerating how hard he works, how difficult and important his job is. Why? Probably because he wants to have the biggest most important job out of the two of you. You sound like you are working hard with your own career and he feels the need to trump that with his wild claims about long hours.

Does he enquire about your working day on just bleat on about how hard he has it? before having a lie in and rolling into work at 10

It's all hinting at that horrible mixture of insecurity and massive ego you find in some men.

My ex was a pathological liar and it included the most insignificant and pointless things, starting with things like you're experiencing. He didn't even seem to realise he was doing it most of the time and was utterly convincing. I have a feeling it stemmed from being sent to boarding school at eight, and needing to completely fit in as a self protection mechanism, and then as a way to 'get ahead'. It was awful. I couldn't trust him at all and he would also gaslight me if I picked him up on it. When we finally split up after many years, I discovered a massive web of lies and deceit; it was so much deeper and worse than the silly little pointless lies I'd thought it was. He's with someone else now, and they have children, but I did a little Google a few years after we split up and he was still engaging in some of the things he'd lied about (I knew his likely usernames and where to look). Unfortunately I had no way to contact her to warn her. I imagine he's still at it. I don't think people can change this kind of deeply ingrained behaviour.

Sign that he’s unable or unwilling to be honest about his thoughts and feelings.

this ^

I do this, it's not lying it's changing your mind last minute and thinking actually I'll work later rather than get in there early. It's not even changing your mind actually, for me its pure procrastination and I hate myself for it!

He wants you to be eternally grateful that he can fit you in....

I’d call him out on it. Someone I used to work with (who was notoriously disorganised and forgetful) gave his wife the impression his job required his presence between 8 am and 7 pm daily, and that he needed to go in at least one day at the weekend. When she met me — I did exactly the same job, working from home two days a week, strictly 9 to 5 other days) — I was a bit puzzled at all her questions about work, until I figured it out. He’d been using work as an alibi for getting out of family life and children-related gruntwork, going in way earlier than needed and chainsmoking out the back of the office, pootling around on the Internet till late, inventing excuses to go in on Saturdays.

She (worked FT for NHS) had no reason not to believe him until she figured out I did the same job in about two thirds of his average weekly hours. They’re now divorced and, curiously, he comes home early and never goes in at weekends now that he won’t be bothered with taking the children to football.

I agree, call him out.
If he starts blathering on for the millionth time about having to get out of the door by 7am when you stay over, I'd laugh and point out that never happens in all the time you've known him and it's getting a bit boring to hear now.

My dp will do the ‘I need to leave at 6.30 tomorrow’ thing.

That is certainly his intention but he will often nope out of that when he wakes up exhausted and go in at the time he actually needs to be there.

I often say I will be up at 6 for work. Full of good Intentions to be out the door at 7.30.
Rarely happens that early.
It’s not a lie as I do Intend on it but the motivation just wanes unfortunately and I don’t get up as early to get stuff done.
Could it be this?

You seem to be tracking what time a guy you are dating is working? If I were him I would run for the hills.

Not everyone does it, no. It isn't the same as procrastination, he is changing reality ever so slightly to put his own sheen on it. I would be uncomfortable with it and would want to flag it and see how he responded to the flag. Whatever his motivation is, it would feel controlling to me and that would change how I felt about it. I also didn't find your example of changing plans 'sweet', but maybe that's just me.

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

He wants you to be eternally grateful that he can fit you in....

And also this. He sounds like he can't talk about himself without stressing his own self importance.

It’s lies though, so I’d be wary.

You ask if everyone lies like this. Do you lie like this?

If not, there's your answer.