Just caught my DD(16) coming back in, having sneaked out to meet her friends

[LarryVeest]

I'm very angry and worried that she broken my trust. If something has happened to her, I'd have had no way of knowing until the morning. She's also got school tomorrow.

What do you think the consequences should be? I've(temporarily?) confiscated her phone (I was going to snoop, but it's locked and i can't get in).

I think you need to send her to school calmly in the morning and then have an adult conversation with her after she returns. There is a reason she’s sneaked off without telling you. Either because she knows you’ll say no (reasonable as it was a school night) or something else was so alluring she felt she couldn’t miss out. Or of course something nefarious - none of which you’ll find out by shouting/grounding etc. You need to get her to open up to you in case she’s in trouble of some sort. I know it probably seems counterintuitive but treating her like an adult and explaining why you were so worried/it’s not on that she’s caused you disrupted sleep may get better results.as with most things in life, You catch more flies with honey.

At 16 I wouldn't have expected my DD to have to sneak out. I didn't have strict " stay at home" rules at that point in her life. I expected her to make sensible decisions and to keep me in the loop about what she was doing / where she was going. On a school night she knew that there were limitations but it was up to her what she did.

Maybe you need to review your rules since she isn't following them anyway.

It's a really normal thing to do at that age. Although that's no comfort to you when you're worried sick. And I totally get that. Makes your stomach drop when you think oh god, anything could've happened and I've have had no idea.
IME punishment by that age is self defeating as the little buggers are then hugely (unjustly) resentful and you can bet your bottom dollar she'll push the boundaries further.
For a first time offence, I used to find that in a way the best "punishment " for something like this was to sit my kid down and spell out exactly how they'd made me feel. Scared, worried out of my mind, deeply disappointed in their lack of maturity. Angry. Unable to trust them.
I'd tell them to imagine and truly think about what could happen if they were in trouble and I didn't have a clue where to look for them.
How would they feel? How do they think they'd make me feel?
And lastly, this is the time to bash out what the absolutely unbreakable rules are going forward.
These will probably not be as strict as you'd prefer as that'll cause ructions.
But that doesn't mean they can't be very firm.
You have to accept she wants to go out and probably stay out late.
But in return, total honesty from her. Exactly where she will be, who with, when she will be home and also that she must 100% msg you if plans change and she goes elsewhere.
Those were my non-negotiables personally.
I would stress to her that you're giving her freedom and independence but that comes with the price of her being utterly trustworthy and that's she's going to have to work hard to restore your faith in her. Or she can expect all hell to break loose. I found it was a sort of compromise and it was effective.

I totally remember doing it at that age! I just never got caught!!
You just need to sit down with her and have an adult conversation as to why it is risky, the scenarios that could happen and for example if something did happen to her you wouldn’t know till the am.
Give her back her phone, put the house alarm on when you go to bed and change the code. Not going to happen again!

Give her phone back for a start and stop treating her like a little child ! Also get over any thought of snooping on her private life .

Teenagers behave deceitfully when THEIR needs are not met. Those needs are ; understanding that they are no longer children. That they willl want to take risks, that they know most of what there is to know.
Your job is to facilitate all the above in the safest way possible and that is achieved by creating an open, non judgemental, loving , respectful relationship.
The last of my 8 teenagers has just turned 17. I have loved every minute. We had one episode of shoplifting with my second eldest at 14 but my disappointment in her was enough for it never happened again.
They are now mostly in their 20s and still drop me a text if they are doing/going somewhere alone.
It's basically the only rule . Tell me where you are going . When you plan to be back and if plans change.

I once snuck out at 16 and got caught. I was final year of school and my friends from my local supermarket job were first year students at uni. I lived at home and they lived in a shared flat. They sent me a message asking if I wanted to hang out, it was about half ten and my parents had gone to bed, so I just quietly let myself out.

The next morning, my parents just cheerfully asked where I had gone the night before and if I’d had a good time. I was shocked as I’d expected to o be in serious trouble. They told me they trusted me to make safe decisions (they saw from the window one of the boys had walked me home) but could I just send them a text telling them where I was going the next time. They treated me like a responsible adult and I appreciated it. I had a few nights in my final year of school where I drank more than I should have and suffered the next day, but never went completely overboard.

When I was 16 my friends and I used to go to a nightclub at the weekend. Mum and the other parents knew about it and made sure we were all lectured on being safe, not picking up our drinks if we put them down, if one of us didn't get in then none of us did (never happened the bouncers were pretty lax) not going off with random men although we were usually in a group with boys we fancied from school anyway, and always looking after one another. It would never occur to me to sneak out because she raised me to be sensible and showed she trusted my decisions.

I wouldn't go off on one with her, just give her her phone back and talk to her about being safe and letting you know where she is in case of emergency. Perhaps that will be enough for her not to rebel because there is nothing to rebel against?

Finknottle - I'm exasperated at the accusation of treating her like a little child! This is the first time I've wanted to check her phone since she was about 13, and it's borne out of worry about what she's been up to.

Re: her needs not being met, I asked her why she did it, and she said "because I don't let her go out later". This is somewhat true, because her best friend is a year younger, and her mum has a curfew of 10pm. That's not my decision though! I'm okay with DD being out until 11.30ish on a school night, and later at the weekend, depending a) on her being somewhere relatively safe (eg not a sketchy park) and b ) letting me know where she is and when she'll be back. It's that too strict? I'm not sure now!

I've noted the general advice about not going in heavy. DH wants to cut her pocket money, but I'm not sure.

I also want to phone her friend's mum to let her know what's been going on, but DD begged me not to.

Just had a good chat with her. She's done it once before, apparently and she did it for the thrill of breaking the rules. We had a chat about the existing rules, and whether we're being too strict, and she said that they're not, and that she thinks DH and I are fair.

I double and triple checked that there's nothing worrying her / no trouble brewing, and she was adamant that this was just a mini rebellion for the sake of it.

Still not sure if I should message the other mum. I don't really know her, but I'd definitely want to be told if the shoe was on the other foot.

My son did this but he was 13 and got caught by police being a pain in the arse.

I took his phone unlocked it and read about other naughty things he did.

He was grounded for 2 weeks.

At 16 though I wouldn't ground him. I moved out when I was 17, it's not far off.

@LarryVeest I’d leave telling the other mum. Your DD has asked you not to contact her and if you are to build trust and an open relationship it won’t help. You are satisfied that there is nothing nefarious so I can’t see what it would achieve? Plus many teens lie so maybe the other girl had no idea your DD was breaking the rules?

@netaporter really? I'm so surprised to hear this view! I don't really know the other parents, but I can't imagine for one second that they'd be okay with their 16 year old DD going out at 1.30am on a school night and walking 1.5 miles through a city by herself to hang out in a park (which has had a fair few muggings and sexual assaults).

I know that I'd want to know, so I could have the conversation that I had with my own DD this morning. And I would feel absolutely terrible if something happened to their DD on another escapade, and i hadn't said anything!

Fwiw, I'm going to try to get DD's friend to tell her parents of her own accord.

OMG so dangerous. I am not sure where you are but with the stabbings, rapes and unexplained deaths happening to people late at night around where I live. It would be a such shock for me. I really hope she stops doing it.

@LarryVeest that sounds like a plan esp if you don’t know the other mum - it’s unlikely to go well IMO as you’ve no idea if that parent shares your views. Teens take risks and the risks escalate if they don’t feel secure taking openly with someone they trust not to break confidences. Fwiw my own DD’s friend started telling anyone who’d listen that she was smoking, taking drugs etc. Turns out months later she’d made the whole thing up to sound cool. They are 15. I could’ve phoned another mum and told her a complete pack of lies.