Divorce sadness and other shit

[Weewilliewinkie123]

I’m in the middle of a divorce, due to the way ex is I’m having to go straight to court (hiding money/assets/lying etc) so it’s a lot more bitter and fraught than I anticipated and I tried for a long time to avoid this, but he just couldn’t stop lying and be a normal fucking person leaving me no choice.
There was DV and EA so I know I’m probably a bit skewed in the way I look at things anyway.

I dreamt of divorce for a good year before I did it, I don’t know, I had visions of this freedom and to an extent I have that, but I’m so lonely and sad.

I’m not particularly young either, I’m 46 and I have quite young children, so I’m not as free perhaps as others my age.

Divorce has thrown up lots of friendship issues, I’ve discovered the strong base of friends who pushed for me to do this have suddenly melted away now I’m not fun and I need lots of emotional support, I seem to spend a lot of time alone and I’ve become aware of some nights out that haven’t been mentioned to me and it’s quite hurtful. The nights out having fun and taking my mind off it have failed to materialise. I saw another night out on FB on Saturday. I probably wouldn’t have gone, but I knew nothing of it and the invite might have been nice.
I have friends who I supported through similar (one on particular) but now two years on she has a new partner and is happy and settled and she can’t seem to offer me anything even like the support I offered her. In fact, she hasn’t offered any support at all.
I guess I feel let down by those around me really, because I’m quite a thoughtful and supportive friend.

Although Exh is an arse, he was my arse and there is a big gap where he used to be and there is nothing to fill that gap, I find that I don’t know what to do with myself. I miss texting him and I miss telling him about my day, even though that is rose tinted because often he couldn’t even bother to listen properly, but I miss that other adult around.
Now with Exh every interaction is a minefield, he’s not happy about it all and is spiteful and difficult at every opportunity, so I get palpitations if I see his name on my phone because I know it’s about to get awkward again.

I have lots of health anxiety due to serious illness a few years ago, and now I’m kind of left alone with that, so on top of life and divorce worries I have this insistent voice in my head that maybe I don’t feel shit because of stress, maybe it’s something else, something serious and it’s all becoming exhausting.

The stress of the court action, the kids, work, loneliness, the constant nagging in my head that maybe I’ve gone from a shit situation to a shitter one is constantly there and it’s making me a tearful, I feel like I need a huge angry cry, yet I can’t seem to get that to happen.

It’s wrong that I have to come on here for support isn’t it?
That it turns out my life is actually a lot emptier than I thought for.

You’re not alone. This forum is full of stories like yours, and you’ll find support here.
I’ve been there.
Rant away, we’re listening

What I did do at the time was go to my GP, explained it’s all gone to pot and I can’t sleep.
We agreed on a 6 months on antidepressants, CBT and counselling.
I’m now 5 years down the line, I’m happy. It hasn’t been easy though.
You’ll be fine, you’ll get angry and then realise how much more head space you gained and how much happier you actually are without him.

Although it was the right thing to do, so many people pushed for me to divorce and now I am, now I’m really low and lonely, where are they all?

I had one friend (school mum) who I would have said was my best friend, she has just melted away, I realised a few weeks ago that someone else was suddenly her friend rather than me, so I’m struggling to think of who I can go to, I see her on the nights out and I feel like “cheers for that”. Ive tried to arrange meet ups with the kids etc but I kind of get the brush off, so I know as far as she’s concerned the friendship has changed.

Family are glad I’m divorcing, but get annoyed because I am an over thinker and I need to pre plan every situation with Exh.
In fairness this is because of how he is, you can’t do a simple “what time are you bringing the kids home?” without it becoming a 3 hour long battle over him being a dick and being clever and I need to let steam off somewhere.

It sounds a bit like I’m crying over losing friends, I am, but I feel like ive lost so much in a small space of time and in honesty I feel really, really alone right now.

I'm so sorry that your friends have been so unsupportive, that is really shit.

It sounds so trite but it really does get better. I can honestly say that the period of my divorce (DV and EA also) was absolutely the lowest time of my life but life does move on.

Things I found helpful were counselling, group therapy through the Freedom Project (well worth checking for a local group as it was invaluable meeting others in the same situation and feeling less alone) and AD's. Honestly AD's were a lifeline for me to hold myself together while I sorted my life out.

Also it is completely normal to miss your ex no matter how much you wanted the divorce, I know I did too and was shocked by that. It's a grief of sorts and a massive life change, you have to be so strong which is so so exhausting when you have children to think of too. But you will get there day by day.

@Weewilliewinkie123

I haven’t been through exactly what you’ve been through but I have been divorced with a young child.

The first thing I would say is remind yourself of why you’ve taken this step, I understand you miss having that adult companionship and after years of marriage that feeling will take time to disappear. Allow yourself to feel however you feel but always remember that this doesn’t mean your decision is wrong. You’ve made the right decision.

It’s okay to miss him, to miss talking to him, to miss his presence and company etc.

The second thing is, don’t have any expectations from anyone to be there for you. As harsh and sad as that sounds, it’s the only way to protect yourself from any kind of disappointment such as the one you’re currently feeling with your friends.

Unfortunately this is your battle and although you may think many will stand by you, many won’t. It’s the harsh reality of life. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out either, don’t just expect people to magically know how you feel. Pick up the phone and ring them if you really want to talk to someone. What about family? Any around willing to talk?

Focus on the kids. They are the best thing in your world and one day they will grow up and be more independent allowing you to have the free time you crave. Life does and will get better. You just need to ride these waves coming your way and allow yourself to feel each emotion, don’t be annoyed for feeling whatever you feel.

I understand the anxiety when you see his name on your phone now. One tip I will give you is to be civil even when he is being an unreasonable arse, he will test you in many ways but don’t play into it, you keep your chin up and you be nice and civil about everything.

DV and EA can really take it’s toll on a person, I’m proud of you for getting out and owning your life. It belongs to you and you weren’t put on this earth to be someone else’s punchbag x