I'm jealous

[Boyz2]

Me and ex split up around a month ago. We have 2 children together . We have never lived together though. We are still on talking terms no bad feelings towards each other.

BUT. I'm jealous he's taken the children over night bought them new stuff. Toys and things treated them etc he's always buying them stuff. Treating them to days out practically every weekend since we split . He has a good income. He lives with his parents. Everything is done for him. I have other children and my income is not that good . So I can't afford to do what he does . I know buying kids stuff does not make you a good parent. But to kids it does . And I don't want them to love me less as their mum because I can't do what he can.

How comes you have 2 kids and never lived together?

They won't love you any less.

But can you channel the jealous energy into improving your income?

But surely if you've never lived together he's treated his kids to days out and toys for his house etc before? When you were together I mean?

@ChubbyMsSunshine

But surely if you've never lived together he's treated his kids to days out and toys for his house etc before? When you were together I mean?

Hes never had them over night . He used to stay over alot. Yes he would treat them now and then and go out now and then . But now the treats and days out are to an extreme. An small example could be they ask for ice cream mine would be a 4 packet for 99p from Iceland and his would be a posh one from a proper I've cream place with sprinkles etc for 3/4 pounds each he can always do better than me .

So you already have children, went and has two more with a man you never lived with and are whinging because you can’t afford to buy them the same kind of thing that he buys?

Good grief!

Shouldn’t you be grateful that he is spending time and money in his children rather than having petty jealousy towards him?

He sounds like he is doing the best he can not to be a dead beat dad.

^ on

Is he paying you maintenance? Are the other DC dads paying towards them? Are you working?

Unless he’s got other kids stashed away, he’s enjoying spending money on the two you had together and that’s nice for him and for them. How old are?

You’ve got more kids and that means there’s less to go around. It’s okay to feel jealous but try not to let it come out as resentment, it’s no one’s fault things are this way.

Are your other children jealous? How do they deal with this?

Sounds like he's being a good dad to me. Giving them his time and treating them. The most important thing is that he's giving his dc his time by having them overnight

Is he paying maintenance?
Aside from that, there’s not much you can do about it. Perhaps he can purchase essentials, like clothing too rather than treats.

Some questions I won't answer as I don't want it to get into a bashing thread. Yes he does pay maintenance. And I know its more to do with me and its my issue but its just how I feel.

Hes lovely with them and he loves them to bits. But he's never done any actual parenting. He's never cooked them a meal. He's never seen to them when they have been unwell. He won't read any of the paper work to do with ds special needs . If I show him school reports he's not interested. They were meant to see him last weekend but he had to work so did not. I'm not sure how I feel about the work part though. I dont tell the children he's seeing them till the night before so that way it's less likely he could say he's got to work.

I do know this is more to do with me than him. That's why I'm owning it. So I just need to get over it really.

He’s happy with the fun dad thing then but none of the grunt work. That sucks for you but it sounds like all that’s on offer.

He didn’t want to live with them when you were together and if he’s never cooked them a meal I doubt overnights will ever be likely.

Posh ice creams don’t mean much compared with proper meals, being bathed and tucked in at night, help with homework and showing up every day. They know it’s you who does all those things. He sounds like an uncle rather than a dad. Don’t let jealousy make you feel insecure. They only have one mum and you’re the one they trust and rely on. So they get expensive treats from him? That’s lovely. They get to enjoy them and you don’t have to pay for them. Win win.

Although the kids might be excited about their time with their dad because of the treats you will be he one they have the real connection with.

As they get older children can see through most situations and see who is the reliable and consistent parent (unless there’s a parental alienation Type issue). In time they’ll see it’s you that makes their lunches and dinners; sorts their school clothes and kisses them when they’re sad. His treats only work to keep young kids happily temporarily. I bet if they were sick or distressed they’d want you.

Given your break up was recent I’d wait a while and see how things pan out in a few months. The treats might lessen with more time.

Also can you encourage him to do some more actual parenting. Why can’t he do school drop off etc.

@AnneLovesGilbert

He’s happy with the fun dad thing then but none of the grunt work. That sucks for you but it sounds like all that’s on offer.

He didn’t want to live with them when you were together and if he’s never cooked them a meal I doubt overnights will ever be likely.

Posh ice creams don’t mean much compared with proper meals, being bathed and tucked in at night, help with homework and showing up every day. They know it’s you who does all those things. He sounds like an uncle rather than a dad. Don’t let jealousy make you feel insecure. They only have one mum and you’re the one they trust and rely on. So they get expensive treats from him? That’s lovely. They get to enjoy them and you don’t have to pay for them. Win win.

Thank you I think I'm possibly just over thinking. Its the first night they have ever been away from me so I think that played a part as well. He said hes only having them over night once a month at the moment. I don't know if that will change . His mum will do all the cooking so they will get fed.

As they get older they'll see through that.

Dsc lives with dm. She works ft. Not a fantastic income. However dsc is always with us or GPs, childminder. When it's DMs time, GPs cook evry meal at theirs and pay for school dinners. So dsc's dm has no food bill etc. No school runs, extra curricular activities etc as GPS do it. ( dh would but she's awkward doesn't allow it) . So she likes to take dsc out every weekend they're there. Which is lovely. gifts to return home to after evry stay here, by either dm or mainly GPS.
However dsc is now 9 and recently has said mummy buys stuff so I look forward to going home.
Dsc has also said sometimes I like to just do nothing at weekends. Which dm Doesn't
Again that's DMs choice.
We go to parks etc, cheaper days, we have 3 other dcs so days out are more costly than just one. Dsc has been with us half the hols and everytime days this day was amazing. Ie a day it rained hard we went to the woods puddle jumping etc. When dsc told dm on the phone the dm said well if its raining they should have done bowling or cinema. Dsc words were this was waaaay more fun than just sitting there in a cinema.

So it shows no matter what cash is thrown. Memories can be made no matter what.

Dsc always says mummy never takes me to school I like it when it's daddy's turn and not have to be nanny.

Flip side. My eldest although he knows dad does the fun stuff abroad hols and what not. He will always say how he knows I'm the one who does parents eve, did the school runs, did the extra curricular activities, that was before I drove when he was smaller and it was hard.

All I'm saying is money isn't everything.

Let him play Disney dad.

When your children are poorly or sad or need help with their schoolwork they'll know who to come to.

There's a lot more to parenting - he'll realise that eventually.

@Whatinthelord

Although the kids might be excited about their time with their dad because of the treats you will be he one they have the real connection with.

As they get older children can see through most situations and see who is the reliable and consistent parent (unless there’s a parental alienation Type issue). In time they’ll see it’s you that makes their lunches and dinners; sorts their school clothes and kisses them when they’re sad. His treats only work to keep young kids happily temporarily. I bet if they were sick or distressed they’d want you.

Given your break up was recent I’d wait a while and see how things pan out in a few months. The treats might lessen with more time.

Also can you encourage him to do some more actual parenting. Why can’t he do school drop off etc.

Thank you. He is not able to do school runs . He lives a couple hours drive away . And the times clash with his work. Your right though he's always talking over them does not actually listen to them so even the general communication is not good .

@girlmom21

Let him play Disney dad.

When your children are poorly or sad or need help with their schoolwork they'll know who to come to.

There's a lot more to parenting - he'll realise that eventually.

Disney dad

You know what really pisses Me off. That if he's ill he can't have the kids. But if i am ill I would still have to have them. I mean I know he cant really have them when he's ill That would be silly and not fair on them still pisses me of though

Does he have them for longer stretches in the holidays.
Really he sounds like a spare part and pretty useless.

My cousins ex was similar. Then their kids gradually stopped seeing their dad when they got to around 11-14.... when they realised that he wasn’t reliable and when they felt just as frustrated by his lack of parenting as their mum did.

@Disrespected

As they get older they'll see through that.

Dsc lives with dm. She works ft. Not a fantastic income. However dsc is always with us or GPs, childminder. When it's DMs time, GPs cook evry meal at theirs and pay for school dinners. So dsc's dm has no food bill etc. No school runs, extra curricular activities etc as GPS do it. ( dh would but she's awkward doesn't allow it) . So she likes to take dsc out every weekend they're there. Which is lovely. gifts to return home to after evry stay here, by either dm or mainly GPS.
However dsc is now 9 and recently has said mummy buys stuff so I look forward to going home.
Dsc has also said sometimes I like to just do nothing at weekends. Which dm Doesn't
Again that's DMs choice.
We go to parks etc, cheaper days, we have 3 other dcs so days out are more costly than just one. Dsc has been with us half the hols and everytime days this day was amazing. Ie a day it rained hard we went to the woods puddle jumping etc. When dsc told dm on the phone the dm said well if its raining they should have done bowling or cinema. Dsc words were this was waaaay more fun than just sitting there in a cinema.

So it shows no matter what cash is thrown. Memories can be made no matter what.

Dsc always says mummy never takes me to school I like it when it's daddy's turn and not have to be nanny.

Flip side. My eldest although he knows dad does the fun stuff abroad hols and what not. He will always say how he knows I'm the one who does parents eve, did the school runs, did the extra curricular activities, that was before I drove when he was smaller and it was hard.

All I'm saying is money isn't everything.

Yes your right. He never says no to them when they want something which I don't think its healthy really but I guess that's his problem. And yes logically I know your right.

For me this is the uncomfortable truth. Exdh is a Disney dad ...but ....he's not a bad man. He loves his DC and he means well. But he has as much ability at long term resident parenting as a potato. If I was still married to him that's a different matter but I'm not.

Exdh has minimal outgoings and lives with his DM so yes he can afford far more than I can. He can't tell you the name of their school or their shoe size and at the beginning I got frustrated but the absolute truth is that if DC are happy and the money is not be used as a manipulation then you have to get over it . You don't mention it you don't do passive aggressive comments.

Because ultimately the dc are benefiting from it which comes above our own feelings as understandable as they may be . Exdh is fair with maintenance and where he can be with his time (also in my case he doesn't live close enough to do school runs , day to day etc ).

Over time all the money in the world doesn't trump their mothers love. It just doesn't. What does....is when the mother starts making comments and getting upset over this in front of them. My Dsis did this and it really caused some damage actually . I'm not saying you are but walk carefully.

The only response I give my DC when they are showing off new stuff from Daddy is that it's cool and I'm pleased for them

Nothing in all honesty replaces the meaning of that day to day. The school runs, the fact that you know what they prefer in their lunches, the knowledge of which pair of shoes they like best. That has far more meaning.

@Nietzschethehiker

For me this is the uncomfortable truth. Exdh is a Disney dad ...but ....he's not a bad man. He loves his DC and he means well. But he has as much ability at long term resident parenting as a potato. If I was still married to him that's a different matter but I'm not.

Exdh has minimal outgoings and lives with his DM so yes he can afford far more than I can. He can't tell you the name of their school or their shoe size and at the beginning I got frustrated but the absolute truth is that if DC are happy and the money is not be used as a manipulation then you have to get over it . You don't mention it you don't do passive aggressive comments.

Because ultimately the dc are benefiting from it which comes above our own feelings as understandable as they may be . Exdh is fair with maintenance and where he can be with his time (also in my case he doesn't live close enough to do school runs , day to day etc ).

Over time all the money in the world doesn't trump their mothers love. It just doesn't. What does....is when the mother starts making comments and getting upset over this in front of them. My Dsis did this and it really caused some damage actually . I'm not saying you are but walk carefully.

The only response I give my DC when they are showing off new stuff from Daddy is that it's cool and I'm pleased for them

Nothing in all honesty replaces the meaning of that day to day. The school runs, the fact that you know what they prefer in their lunches, the knowledge of which pair of shoes they like best. That has far more meaning.

Omg that is so 100% true . Thank you so much for putting it so clear like it's all very spot on. I never say amything to the kids never ever . I have only actually voiced it here because I know I was not really being logic. Thank you so much for understanding to.

’You know what really pisses Me off. That if he's ill he can't have the kids. But if i am ill I would still have to have them.’

YOU chose to have more children and with a man that wasn’t even living with you!

@Galassia

’You know what really pisses Me off. That if he's ill he can't have the kids. But if i am ill I would still have to have them.’

YOU chose to have more children and with a man that wasn’t even living with you!

Yeah I done it all on my own you don't know the full situation