Lifetime of low self-confidence

[Spaceformetoo]

I have had a lifetime of low self-confidence and feel I have reached crisis point. I’m starting to feel really low about it, not sure if it’s an age-thing (late 40’s) or just everything getting too much at the moment.

How can I improve my confidence at this time of life? Is it too late really to hope for better?

I was a shy only child and when I reached about 10 I started gaining weight. My parents slaughtered me over this with relentless criticism, looking me up and down with a sneer on their faces, taunting me about food etc. This continued into adulthood and for various reasons I no longer have contact with them for years now.

This has caused massive confidence issues over the years where I have fluctuated from a size 18-20 down to an 8-10 (then I was called anorexic etc), to my current size 16-18. I was also heavily criticised for my hairstyles and make-up, and told I was never well-dressed enough and looked scruffy. As a consequence I took to wearing black, little make up, and hoped and prayed that no one would ever look at me seeing as I was so hideous according to my parents. Even on my wedding day my DM looked me up and down and walked off without saying a word.

This has cast a shadow over so many things in my life and the lack of confidence that I’ve had has affected so many areas of my life. I’m full of regrets for allowing this to impact me so much and have had enough. No point looking at counselling as with Covid it seems like MH services will be at breaking point (can’t afford private).

I’ve been a SAHM now for 6 years and have started job-hunting with no luck. Applied for three jobs and got an interview for one but didn’t get it but I was surprised how hard this hit my confidence so I wonder if this has triggered me feeling really down all of a sudden (although I had excellent feedback). I’ve enquired about volunteering to try and boost my confidence and brush up on my skills but can’t get anything locally.

Any advice please? Thanks

Hugs. Sounds like you had a tough upbringing.

Re the job hunting, you have to look at the positives. Getting an interview from three applications is very good! A lot of people apply for tens of jobs before being invited for interview. Did you get any feedback from the interview that you can work with? I received some sage advice regarding job hunting - it’s a number game.

Do you do any exercise? I took up running. It’s more about what my body can do, rather than what it looks like plus you can measure improvement easily.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

@Lonoxo the feedback was completely positive, nothing to ‘work on,’ so to speak. I was in the final two but the other person was offered the role due to having had specific experience in it. I do swim but have lost confidence to go i to the gym/classes as I’ve got so overweight.

Your parents sound absolutely awful. It’s probably just as well you don’t have contact with them if they still behave this way towards you.

I’m not sure what to suggest other than perhaps CBT to help re-set your mindset and there maybe some self-help books that are useful. You are valued and loved- remember that, your parents seem to be messed up and took it out on you

Well that’s even better if you were in the final two. You were just unlucky. It wasn’t a reflection on you, just circumstances.