Ancestry DNA testing

[catandcandle]

I am thinking of doing one, but don't want it to cause me or anyone else any upset, in my situation does anyone see any problem?

My situation is: I do not know who my biological father is/was, and my mother and stepfather (who adopted me when I was 3) never told me that he is not in fact my father. They don't know that I know and I don't want them to know. They themselves would definitely never have done DNA testing so will not be on any of the sites.

I have a name for a man who my mother told the social worker at the time of my adoption was my father, but I have no idea if she told the truth, she is a chronic liar (she also said that the man had "left the country", which sounds like a load of rubbish to me). I did track down that man (several years ago now) and wrote him a letter, but he never replied and I left it alone after that.

Do people think it is a good idea for me to do the testing? What are the potential pitfalls? I am curious about my genetic heritage.

What a shame no one's replied to you, I was really interested in what replies you'd get.

I was thinking of getting DH a kit but had wondered the same things as you. He was adopted. He's traced his biological mother and knows his biological father's name. Her children know about DH. They're all younger than him. He's never met them and only met his bio mother once.

His mother said she'd had a one night stand and had told his father she was pregnant. He told her she should have an abortion and she never saw him again. DH has never been interested in meeting him.

DH is interested in knowing where his ancestors came from. He knows that his mother's parents were Austrian but would like to know a bit more, just doesn't want to have to meet anyone to find out!

He's going to have to choose whether or not to do it himself. He's interested but probably won't get round to doing it. If I bought him a kit, I think he'd be pleased and do it but I don't want to push that choice for someone else.

DH has done one and it’s really interesting to see his heritage and ancestry. There has also been relatives he didn’t know about flagged up.

I did consider getting one for DBro but decided it could open up a whole can of worms

I’ve just sent mine off in case it helps my probably 4th cousin (we don’t know where we link up yet but know we do from 23andme) - he was adopted and knows a fair bit about birth mother but nothing about birth father.

From what I have read I think you have to be prepared that it might not get you closer as depends who has tested and that you May have to do a fair bit of detective work still.

I'd go for it but be aware it can be extremely frustrating! My mother had hers done and had reasonably close matches with five people with a very unusual surname. Not one of them has replied to emails

I would want to do this, too, OP.
Try to be braced for any possible outcome, though.
Including gaining no info at all.

Do it, it’s your right to know the truth. But be aware that she might not have told you for a reason.

Yes, go for it since you want to know.
You're under absolutely no obligation to tell your family anything, of course.

I did mine, as the origin of my paternal greatgrandfather was always a family mystery but somebody contacted me thinking that they were a distant cousin - and the DNA test confirmed that they were right, we now know where my GGF came from (and that he changed his name).

DH did his, partly to double-check that he was full brother to BIL (questioned throughout his childhood) - delighted to report that they are full brothers. Then had the fun of tracing his family tree back, and his GGF also changed his name, it must have been common back then and easier to do than now. Also found out DH's family came from Devon, nice surprise, they had no idea.

Do it. You deserve to know your truth. You can use initials or a different name if you wish when you register so that way nobody can easily identify you when the results come in. Dh was adopted. While he knew who his parents were he still did the test and connected with family who didn't know about him. At the time his social worker told him that he exists and he's nobody's secret to keep! I thought that was fantastic to hear and it gave him the courage to contact his relatives on ancestry. You deserve to know your origin and if your parents won't tell you then find it for yourself. But do take into account that your biological father may not want to know.

When you get results and see close matches, if they have done their family trees you need to screenshot all the info for yourself in order to work out who's who. That way if they don't want to connect and try to make their tree private, you'll already have their information.

Do you want to talk thru some options, OP?

What if you biological father turned out to be a very bad person -- how would you make peace with that?

(Alternatively you could turn out to be Freddie Mercury's secret lovechild, but you know, the fantastically wonderful is as as likely to be truth as the unpleasant)

So my friend who was conceived CIA speed donors in the 70's, did an Ancestry DNA. And found loads of her birth family members, including her dad. Sadly this does not have a happy ending as the 'relationship' with the dad didn't work out as his wife made him choose which is apparently quite a common occurrence when people find birth families. But whilst she has become close to her grandparents, the heartache of being 'dumped' by her dad makes her wish she never bothered.

So bear in mind: you might find a huge network of your family. They may not want to k ow you. Be prepared for this and don't take it personally

*sperm donor note CIA speed donor 😂😂

Well I’m just going to say, we bought one for MIL as she had said previously that she was interested in finding out more about her heritage.
When we gave it to her she told us she’d already done one but she did ours too. They came back with 2 quite different results

Go for it, but be prepared for anything. You may wish to seek some support in real life or on some of the very helpful Facebook groups. There are support groups good people seeking bio family and groups providing help and advice.

It is luck of the draw as to how many matches you get and how close you are. If your father is part of an endogamous community, it can be challenging. Some matches don’t respond when you message them.

I would advise learning about dna and how to go through your matches. There is a lot to learn, but it’s fascinating.

I’d test with Ancestry. Largest database and you can’t upload from other companies to Ancestry, but can upload from Ancestry to most of the others. I advise doing just that.

Apart from 23andme. If you’re feeling thorough, you may wish to test with 23andme.

If you have half siblings, I’d ask them to test and it will help in dividing matches into maternal vs paternal.

Best wishes.

Oh that’s interesting Thechoosentwo - have you contacted then to discuss it with them.
What was different about the two?
Was it to do with origin as I’ve heard these can be a bit vague?

@Whydidimarryhim no, we left it to MIL! I’m not sure if she took it any further to be honest, they were both bought from the same website.
She said that the countries were all different with a crossover of about 4 iirc. Not sure how or what the results look like though, I’ve not done one myself. So I don’t know if you get a percentage match from various regions or what. Still, I thought it was really interesting that she’d had quite substantially different results from essentially repeating the same test! Made my cynical side prick up

I did it and got results a few weeks ago. (My DH did it at the same time.) I was surprised to learn my ancestry and have 840+ relatives on the same site.

Wasn't there a report about the effectiveness of these, someone who tested using various companies, for results returned to all be different.

I would worry about a can of worms - you can't undo the knowledge once it is out there. I feel that for some people something that starts as quite light, sometimes just a gift idea, can become quite serious with little support.

In your case what if your mum had been sexually assaulted and had become pregnant from it?
I am sorry to say it might be an option (you did ask for pitfalls)
In cases like that the female relative might not want to disclose this or even know who the person who committed the assault is.

I echo both the concerns about the accuracy of testing, and about the possibility of unpleasant news. My MIL discovered quite late on that the reason her adoptive parents had been cagey about her genetic heritage was not that they were chronic liars or in some way unwilling to come clean, but because her mother had been raped by her own father.

You could join Facebook groups DNA Detectives or Long lost families uk (if you are uk) they can help decide what to do and offer help.

i have a few relatives that have come into the family through these tests, and i also know a few others that have made contact with extended biological family of theirs. in some of the cases the father still turned out to be a waste of time, but their cousins or grandparents were delighted to have contact. In other cases the father was delighted as well as the extended family. In all cases it has helped with certain feelings.
This is your right to know your heritage. Its not about anyone else

I would say it's worth a try. The issues around accuracy people are talking about are when the site estimates your geographic ancestry. This should always be taken with a little bit of a pinch of salt. However, family matching is perfectly accurate and any person you're matched to will be a relative of yours in some way (although working what the realtionship is not always easy).

To get the most out of the Ancestry test you really need to research your family tree on the site as well. If you're matched with someone else who has a tree on there then Ancestry will try to find your common ancestors which will make it easier to tell how you're related. In your case this would help you to identify which relatives are on your mother's side of the family.

Hi everyone, thanks very much for the replies. I am going into this interested in my origins in general, not really hoping to track down specific family members/my father. But I suppose if the test shows that I have origins which don't fit with the background of the man I suppose to be my father (the one who did not reply when I wrote to him) that would be interesting and get me thinking.

I have long since come to terms with the fact that my mother did not tell me the truth, for whatever of her own reasons, and that to let her know that I know she lied to me would cause such distress and family fallout that I do not want to do it and never have (I am not young by the way, I am nearly 60, so the events surrounding my birth happened in the early 1960s). I have also fully accepted that the man who I think to be my father chose not to reply when I wrote to him, for whatever reason. I did promise in the letter that if he chose not to reply I would not seek to contact him again, so even if he/his family members do turn up as matches, I will honour that promise.

I am not sure if I would seek to connect with any other matches, I guess that would depend on the specifics.

I have ordered a test now and also one for DH. He knows very little about his maternal background, his grandmother died very young in a car crash and he knows nothing about her forebears, and his mother, who was brought up from early childhood by a stepmother, is also long dead now. One thing that would be interesting is, as he just pointed out to me, that we could be related, branches of both our families come from the same part of the world and we know both those families to have participated in a specific historic event in that country (over 150 years ago), so they were certainly in the same place at the same time...

you might be surprised though, as in my (quite large extended) family, we have welcomed new cousins through ancestry and 23&me and its been really positive.
My friends daughter has reconnected with her grandad and some cousins who has been really supportive, even though the father was still a dick.
All it does is give you more knowledge and helps you find the truth. It doesnt mean it will all be happy families, but thats not what its all about