I feel like I'm really disappointing my family now I drink less and go to bed early

[drivinmecrazy]

As the title says I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
I used to be the life and soul of our family but over the past year I've knocked a lot of the drinking on the head and late nights are not so appealing.
Primarily due to the stroke I had last year that made me reevaluate a lot of things.
Problem now is I go to bed early, have a broken nights sleep due to a frozen shoulder, and am up at the crack of dawn.
Much of my humour and patience is waning by half past eight, especially with DD1 (20) on her summer break from uni and DD2 (15) who finished year 11 in early June. So I'm just about all out of joyfulness and frankly cannot wait til September when 'normal' life resumes.
DH & DDs always look to me to make conversation or create the mood and frankly I'm just a bit fed up with it all.
I'm up any time between 4am and 5am so I've just had enough by 8.
At times I just wish they all would get out of the house and leave me a only silence!!
DH leaves for work at 5.30am and comes home anytime between 3 & 6pm. My days are spent with my otherwise independent children looking at me like over grown toddlers expecting me to entertain them.
Not sure what I want from this post or even if it's any more than ramblings, but I just feel emotionally empty, particularly after the 18 months we've all had 😒

Your post really resonates with me despite being in a very different situation. This past eighteen months have been hard and it’s unsurprising to find anyone, let alone who has had to recover from a serious health event, just doesn’t have any reserves to pull from. You sound utterly drained.

Thing is, you may feel like your family have an expectation of you, it doesn’t matter. You do what you need to do for you and they’ll just have to get used to it, none of them will crumble if you’re not propping them up.

What you do need is to find where your best place in your current circumstances is. What do you look forward to? What do you want to do more than anything that’s achievable? For me, I would like an air. B&B apartment by the sea for a week - just me. Any weather at all would suit me! I need to feel comfortable just hearing my own thoughts for a while.

Is there anything like that you could plan for?

Would alcohol usually play a larger role in your family’s life? Your new way of living definitely sounds healthier (though sorry about the rubbish sleep). In what way do they look for you for entertaining? If you have any examples might help to give advice

Thank you for the replies.
I think in the sense of them all looking to me, conversation will often 'dry' or not happen if I weren't the one to start it. Likewise it's always been me to suggest going here or doing that, even when all I want to do is shut everything out and for someone else to take the helm for once.
To throw into the mix my mother is facing some serious health issues in Spain. I've recently taken DD2 out to deal with her and feel my mum is the same. In fact one evening my mother looked at me and said 'do you have nothing to say, nothing to talk about ?' When every evening for a bloody month I was driving every conversation and making every suggestion of what to do.
It feels like I want the world to stop so I can get off!!
I think the drinking used ti mask a lot of it from my perspective and I was able to give the impression that everything had a bright, humorous side.
Now I guess I'm feeling unmasked and maybe what they see they don't like?
It feels as if my role in my family has been to be peace maker, facilitator and general entertainer (going back decades!) and now I just TBH just want them all to fuck off!!!
(Not really because I love them all dearly, just wish they'd give me a break)

Have you told your DH how you’re feeling? Perhaps you could create a list of things you think could help you, to see if some changes could make things better, like time in the house to yourself.
It might also be worth seeing a GP, as your emotional and mental state could be effects of the stroke and they may be able to refer you to a specialist. It’s good that you’re reaching out on here for help, because it shows you’re recognising there’s a problem and you want to overcome it.
Health-wise, dependent on your mobility since the stroke, exercise could help replace some of the feel-good feelings you previously got from alcohol. It really sounds like advice from medical experts could help you, though. If your GP can’t, perhaps Stroke Helpline could advise. I hope you find a solution and start feeling more like yourself again soon x

Give yourself a break. They can all entertain themselves. Cherish those peaceful early nights!