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Original poster

How to help my 5 year old go to sleep 'alone'

19 replies

FartleBarfle · 21/08/2021 20:04

My daughter was one of these babies that never slept from the moment she was born (she wasn't our first). For the first year it was like 45 mins max at a time, every night. When I went back to work I remember I got between 4-5 hours sleep a night for the second year. We were exhausted. We tried everything to help her sleep but no approach or book seemed to work except having us physically near her. In the end she had a double bed by 2 and we took turns sleeping next to her each night. We all slept better for a couple of years but then we really worked on getting her more independent and trying to help her sleep through the night.

For her 4th birthday we decorated her whole room Frozen themed and got her a new single bed and basically tried to reset her. It really did work and we gradually withdrew in the evenings, first sitting outside the bedroom for up to an hour waiting for her to fall asleep, and now we can leave her and she falls asleep on her own.

We have lots of aids, she has dolls that 'look after her' and we play the Frozen soundtrack or a story so she doesn't feel lonely, but every night she pulls our heartstrings begging us not to leave her as she hates to be alone. I feel so guilty leaving her but I feel that we can't go down the road where we are spending hours trying to get her down again and no one sleeping.

She has started waking up in the night again recently and just being upset because she feels lonely and wants a cuddle. It's not a big deal to go down and comfort her, but I worry that she is feeling anxious and lonely while our other child is a perfect sleeper, and loves going to sleep.

I just wondered if anyone else has had a similar struggle and can help reassure me that we are doing the right thing, or advise what I could do better. I don't her to feel anxiety about being on her own, I want her to enjoy going to bed like her brother does, but I don't know why she just doesn't seem to be wired like that.

OP posts:

Scienceisnotopinion · 21/08/2021 20:13

Why not sit with her then gradually stay less and less time. Shes only little

Squashpocket · 21/08/2021 20:18

Yes, exactly the same (although mine is a DS). Hes got better recently at 5 years, but still regularly makes appearances in our bed during the night. He has an audiobook at bedtime and we got him and his little brother bunk beds, which I think he likes for the company.

I don't think there is an answer. I just sit with him and let him in our bed. I'm hoping he'll remember when he's grown up and think mum and dad were all right 😂

Original poster

FartleBarfle · 21/08/2021 20:23

@Scienceisnotopinion

We did do this for several years and had gradually reduced it (I mentioned in my OP). It's been six months since we didn't have to stay outside her room for up to an hour. I guess I feel like all the progress we made with this is coming undone and it's made me feel a bit frustrated. 😫

OP posts:

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Original poster

FartleBarfle · 21/08/2021 20:25

@Squashpocket

I'm glad I'm not alone. Sometimes you feel like it's something you're doing wrong. I think I might just invest in a super king bed and accept it could carry in for a few more years!

OP posts:

User135792468 · 21/08/2021 20:30

There will come a time you will miss her needing you to come in for a cuddle. My ds is similar and is 3, there is nothing nicer than a warm squishy snuggle under the duvet with him. It makes me very sad that I never got that with my eldest who is 8. He was the perfect sleeper and never “needed” me in that way.

flipflopslap · 21/08/2021 20:32

@Squashpocket

I don't think there is an answer. I just sit with him and let him in our bed. I'm hoping he'll remember when he's grown up and think mum and dad were all right 😂

Same story here. It feel long at the moment but I think we'll look back and feel glad we gave him the time and comfort.

Original poster

FartleBarfle · 21/08/2021 20:32

@User135792468 you are right, I felt exactly the same in the early years so didn't try too hard to change her, which is what worries me that I have added to her anxiety about being alone. Xx

OP posts:

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 21/08/2021 20:34

Which rooms are next to hers? Can you busy yourself there for 20 mins until she goes to sleep? I used to fold towels and ironing when ds went to bed...

marplemead · 21/08/2021 20:41

If it's any consolation, my DD is almost 5 and we bed share with her because she doesn't like sleeping on her own. She's always been a difficult sleeper, and used to wake every 30mins when she was a baby. We were broken by it and gave up trying to get her to sleep alone. Instead,
we invested in a super king and take it in turns to sit next to her while she falls asleep. We usually use this time to do life admin on our phones or watch something with headphones in. And then we rejoin her when we go to bed. It's not what we planned, but we do enjoy sleeping together and it's really such a short time in the grand scheme of things.
I hope you find a solution that works for you

Lady1576 · 21/08/2021 20:43

A mum I know has a yoga mat and blanket next to her bed so if her 7 year old wants to come and sleep in their room, she can do so without disturbing them. Could that be an idea for you? I used to go into my parents room before they came upstairs and just sleep in their bed when they were still downstairs. I remember this was reassuring to me, but I’d rarely do it, because it was a bigger step than just calling out. The feeling of being carried back to my own bed ‘asleep’ was so nice. Maybe the yoga mat plus blanket is not as attractive as you sleeping with her, but gives her an option if she really is anxious. Good luck mum. I reckon I’ll probably be in the same situation as you in a few years…. I’ve got one of ‘them’ too

Original poster

FartleBarfle · 21/08/2021 21:11

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I do feel reassured by your responses.

@marplemead your little ones story sounds so much like mine. I can't believe I might leave this thread genuinely investing in a super king bed 😂

@Lady1576 thanks for the tips, I might try something like that as we have a chaise next to our bed we could offer that wouldn't be as comfortable as her actual bed!

OP posts:

Bellagonna · 21/08/2021 21:18

My DC have access to my audible account through akexa devices so they can control what they listen to which really helps. I often hear my 5yo wake at 3am and demand alexa for a book to be put on. It helps soothe and lull back to sleep but also allows a bit of control and independence.

We WFH and have to work in the evenings and that has also made it quite easy to draw a line. so by 8pm I can, after a few cuddles, say " sorry mummy has to work now", don my glasses and look boring. Sometimes I let DC sit and watch me work for 5 mins. Soon they realise how dull it is. I'm sure most of the night wakings are FOMO

User135792468 · 21/08/2021 21:25

[quote FartleBarfle]@User135792468 you are right, I felt exactly the same in the early years so didn't try too hard to change her, which is what worries me that I have added to her anxiety about being alone. Xx[/quote]
I really wouldn’t worry about that. How many teenagers or adults do you know who need to sleep with their mum? It can be a bit annoying as it’s nice to be able to switch off from being a parent but just try to remember it’s a phase.

Sceptre86 · 22/08/2021 08:45

If she is still under a health visitor could you speak to them for advice? My 4 year old is currently doing this and I think it is because I'm due any day soon so he needs that extra reassurance. He gets a cuddle and then is promptly taken back to his own bedroom everytime. It does pull on my heart strings when he says he just wants mummy cuddles but there isn't room enough in the bed for him and I can't climb onto his mid sleeper bed.

I don't think sitting with her until she falls asleep is the answer and you have already tried that so I wouldn't go backwards.

wendz86 · 22/08/2021 08:53

My daughter is 6 and when she was 5 I had to do similar . I used to hold her hand but stopped that first and just sat next to her. Then every couple of nights I moved further away until I was out her room . Now I leave her and pop back to see her every few mins but she’s usually asleep pretty quick.

Lemonsyellow · 22/08/2021 08:56

How old is your other child? Can your DC share a room? My DC loved sharing a room.

Saff2015 · 22/08/2021 09:51

Mine is the exact same, almost 6. She has never slept a full night since the day she was born. It was getting absolutely exhausting. I was in her room trying to get her to sleep for hours every night. We had to do something and found a series of steps helped her.

She has a galaxy night light which I swap the colours to purples or reds so she has light but it’s not blue or white light like most of the night lights are. I find the blues or white lights wake her up more.

She also has a Yoto player which I 100% recommend, she usually listens to Enid blyton stories but it also has a night time radio which is full of instrumental music and ballads and white noise sounds. She can put this on herself so if she does wake up in the night she puts it on herself and goes back to sleep.

We never read a story right before bed and I also never go to sleep with her in her bed, as when she comes out of REM sleep and I’m not there, or something has changed in her bed, she wakes up automatically.

Lastly we put her to bed slightly later than we were trying to before, and right before we go on a “night time walk” or a scooter around the block walking the dog. Usually about 8:30.
Any earlier and she won’t even try to be asleep before then anyway so we would have just been battling her for an hour or so. The fresh air always seems to make her a bit more tired and we are usually out for around 30 minutes.

I think it’s just about finding what works for you. So bedtime is now; story, walk or scooter around 8, back in and night light goes on with Yoto at 8:30. I switch the Yoto off remotely on my phone around 9 and if she wakes up in the night she turns it back on herself. She wakes for the day around 8am now. So far so good for us. It’s been a few months of sleeping through bar the odd day here and there.

Usuallyhappycamper · 22/08/2021 09:59

I think you either need to accept that she comes in with you, or go full super nanny and put her back at bed time every single time so gets the message. I say this having only just got a 6 year old away from sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my room and climbing in the bed in the early hours most nights. I am an absolute sucker for "I'm scared mummy", so no way I was doing anything else really. He is now sharing a room with his brother and has a new bed and hasn't been waking in the night. He was also a terrible sleeper as a baby, so I feel your pain.

Original poster

FartleBarfle · 22/08/2021 13:44

Her brother has a bunk bed, I am going to make her up a bed in his, and try get her to sleep in that tonight to see if it helps. We have tried before to get them to share but it hasn't worked consistently. I'll start talking to them about it today and see if they like the idea and maybe do another reset with it. Thanks for the suggestion @Lemonsyellow.

OP posts:

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